The Bungles Flex Their Doormat Muscles

Dolphins  22,  Bengals 20

Miami, Fl-  Playing in a barely half-full Sun Light stadium on Halloween night, the Miami Dolphins get Out-Doormatted by Andy Dalton and the Cincinnati Bungles.   It was like old times here in the Basement.  We got misty-eyed.  

Dalton single-handedly takes care of the losing, throwing 3 interceptions,  fumbling away the ball, and- when all else failed to lose the game and the Bengals found themselves still tied with the ball at their own 7 in Overtime-  getting sacked in the end zone for a game ending safety.  

Man, if Dalton could string some of those together, the Bungs could be under .500 pretty quick.   Running off 93 plays and losing takes some real mettle.  

Miami QB Ryan Tannehill is no match for Dalton in this one, getting sacked 3 times to Dalton's 5, and not even throwing an interception.   No wonder they're back to .500

They're outta the Basement.   Take your Dolphin pillow with you.

-e

Lowest NFL Game Attendance on Record

What is the lowest attendance ever for an NFL game? Well, who knows. It is not an easy data point to mine. But we doormat fans love these kinds of stats, so pull up your Barcalounger, crack open a cellar temp Ranier, and open a can of peanuts as we take a walk through low attendance history.

Now, on Wiki Answers, someone posted that in 1987, the year of the NFL player strike, the Dolphins played the Cowboys in front of 216 fans. That would be Doormat history as the lowest attendance ever for an NFL game. But hey, that was Wiki Answers. It would be wonderful if that were true. Surely somewhere in that season is a very low attendance. the NFL claims average "paid" attention was over 58,000. But an "average" can be misleading. (http://www.nfl.com/history/chronology/1981-1990.)

The fact is, the two weeks of replacement players resulted in some awful attendance that year. The games had little legitimacy with fans and attendance plummeted to under 10,000 at many games in smaller (i.e. "doormat") markets. Including a low of 4,074 for the lone replacement game played in Philadelphia on Oct. 4 when the Bears trounced the Eagles 35-3 ( "NFL crossed the line on Replacement Sunday." Seattle Post-Intelligencer, September 16, 2017).

However, that was a strike situation. We have searched through numerous databases, and have not found a reliable number for attendance at a modern era (post Super Bowl I) regular season, non "scab" game. We are digging for the answer.

Let's face it, NFL attendance reports are usually a tally of ticket sales, not butts in the seats. So the reported attendance you see in the paper--the paper? what's that?-- does not really tell the story.

One modern possibility is the infamous "Snow Bowl," played in Green Bay by the Packers and Buccaneers in 1985 (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snow_Bowl_%281985%29). It was heavy snow, there was no TV blackout, and only 19,856 were in attendance (according to sources at the game, but this is not an official NFL number), with over 36,000 "no-shows."

Also in modern history, besides the Snow Bowl, the Houston Oilers played Tampa Bay in 1995 (the last season of the Oilers) in the Astrodome to a reported 31,485 sold seats (but people who were there claim not half of those sold seats actually had people in them). Estimates for this game are under 15,000, but no data to confirm that exists. So we will go with the lowest official NFL reported attendance in the modern era of 31, 485 (https://www.pro-football-reference.com/boxscores/199510290oti.htm).

But if we want to get in the Wayback Machine and slip into the Roaring 20s, we find the Columbus Panhandles (who were winless in the NFL that year) opening against the Akron Pros before 3,000 distracted fans at beautiful Elks Field in Akron. Akron took that doormat classic 36-0. (Pro Football Reference, https://www.pro-football-reference.com/boxscores/192210010akr.htm.) This would be the lowest recorded attendance at an NFL game.

By the way, the Panhandles did not win a game that year. Doormat history! The first team to go winless in an NFL season (it was the first NFL season). Not too many years later most of that team, and the owners, were out panhandling for real. Very fitting that Columbus hosted the Panhandles and the doormat tradition continues today with both Ohio teams as perennial face plants. Ohio may be the Doormat State. But there are two great things from Akron: the lowest NFL attendance and Devo.

We are going to keep digging on this important story and get a confirmation of the lowest attended game in modern (since Super Bowl I) history.

NFL Doormat Predictions Week 9

A perfect record in the NFL is not easy. Here we are, week 9, mid season, and Tampa Bay and Jacksonville still have perfect records. Can they maintain this blistering pace? Tampa Bay will have the toughest time as Minnesota seems determined to lose every remaining game this season.

And we Doormat Denizens welcome some newcomers, especially the Houston Toxins and the Atlanta Edsels. They finally came in off the patio and gingerly took a seat on the moldy couch. It took a few minutes, but after some chips and a warm beer, they settled in and now appear to be quite comfortable.

Welcome, boys.

And so the Oracle from the Basement spins the Retsina bottle and here are the predictions for the worst of the NFL in week 9.

Kansas City- 17
Buffalo- 14

Tennessee- 28
St. Louis- 24

Minnesota- 12
Dallas- 28

San Diego- 33
Washington- 13

Atlanta- 14
Carolina- 21

Philadelphia- 7
Oakland- 36

Tampa Bay- 10
Seattle- 21

Baltimore- 13
Cleveland- 14

New England- 36
Pittsburgh- 17

Houston- 21

Indianapolis- 28

 Gentlemen, make your predictions!

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 8 WORST STATS

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 8, 2013

Most Interceptions:  4   Matt Ryan,   Falcons  (Falcons can now lose to anyone they choose)

Turnovers:  4    Lions  (2 int/ 2 fumble),  Falcons (4/0), Broncos (3/1)

Fumbles:     5 (lost 1),  Eagles;  2 for 2,  Lions

Sacked:  7- 48,  Seahawks

Lowest QB Rating:   25.7  Pryor,  RAIDERS

Most passes in losing effort:  61, Falcons

WORST OFFENSE

Points scored:   7   Eagles  (that's 2 weeks in a row, and they should not have scored)

Fewest first downs:   7  Seahawks

Fewest Yards gained:  135  Seattle (and they won)

Fewest pass yards:  91  Seahawks

Fewest Rush Yards:  27 Falcons

Punts:  9  Seahawks  (really?  they won? Oh, they played the Lambs)

Most Galling Loss:   Cowboys   (31-30 to Detroit), though Rams loss to Seahawks pretty special.

Worst Red Zone:  0-4  RAMS.    As Jon Gruden pointed out, they don't have a goal-line run formation.

Time of Possession:  19:06  Vikings (first team to get under 20 minutes this season!!)

WORST DEFENSE

Point allowed:   49,   Jets  

Most Yards allowed:  623,  Cowboys  (holy cow)

Pass Yards allowed:  480  Cowboys

Rush Yards allowed:  221  Jaguars (worst team in the league gets at least one worst stat).

MISCELLANY

Penalties:   7-136  Jaguars (not very many, but value for every one) 11-92  Giants;  6-120 Packers;  10-  55 Falcons

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 8 WRAP-UP AND DUMP IN THE THAMES

Giants climb to 2-6, fall out of Moldy Carpet race.  Jets get blown out huge. Jacksonville hosts the International Embarrassment Series in London- Gaguar style. The Jadeveon Clowney Sweepstakes is shaping up.  The best of the worst in the NFL all lost (except them Giants), leaving competent and nearly competent teams in the astroturf pebbles.  

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Tampa Bay           0-7          100-163

Minnesota            1-6          163-225

NY Giants             2-6          141-223

Washington          2-5          173-229

Atlanta                2-5          166-184

AFC                                                          .

Jacksonville         0-8           86-264

Houston               2-5         122-194

Pittsburgh            2-5         125-153

Buffalo                 2-5         176-213

Cleveland             3-5         148-179

JAGUARS 10,  49ers 42

Just to be clear, the Jags DID field a professional group on the field yesterday.  The English sent back more pictures of the Jaguar cheerleaders than the team yesterday, by a

5-1 margin.

 

Apparently, this outfit has the English's number

To be fair, the Jags did do something interesting when the cheerleaders briefly left the field:

Yes, that's a Spotted Streaker-  Jaxson De Ville, Jaguar mascot.   Not as common as Spotted Dick (an actual food dish in jolly old England), but perhaps more palatable.

What, you want me to write about the game?  Okay, fine-  on the second play of the game, the 49ers ran one of the oldest playground tricks in the book.  The fullback pretended he was going out of the game, but stopped just shy of the sideline.  The Jags, naturally, saw him way too late, and he snags a pass and goes 43 yards.  Frank Gore plunges 19 yards on the next play and the game is over.  

But, what do you expect from the International Embarrassment Series?  The Jags will be back next year.  London will welcome the Jaguar Cheer Squad with open phone booths. 

BEAGLES 7,  GIANTS 15

Sfiff of the Year.  Giants kick 5 field goals, and then hand the Eagles a sympathy touchdown at the end, fumbling at their 2 yard line, and the exhausted Philly defense falls on it in the end zone.  Eagles hold ball for all of 21:56, and make novice QB Matt Barkley run the 'gas the O-line' offense, which he has no aptitude for, so hey!  Manning throws no interceptions, but maintains INT lead, as Carson Palmer falls off his pace.

Nobody has a winning record in the NFC East, and it's week 8.  Keep an eye on this.  A division winner with a losing record is entirely possible with this group.  

COWPIES 30,  LIONS 31

Getting totally deked on the last play of the game by Matt Stafford's fake spike play has to rank way up there with 'most galling' losses for the Cowflakes.  What a season.  What a way to lose.  I'm in awe.

JETS 9, BENGALS 49

Finally the Jets play like we think they should, and lose huge.  The Bengals scored so fast, the Jets ended up with the ball for 8 more minutes than them.  Not that anybody noticed.  We wish they would just string together 10 losses, but they just can't keep it up.  There is always next week.  Geno Smith chucks two more INTs to reach 13, in a solid third place in that category. 

FAILCONS 13, CRUDINALS 27

Atlanta picks the perfect game to establish their claim to a spot in the Basement, with Matt Ryan chucking 4 interceptions right in Carson Palmer's face.  Ha!  Palmer can only come up with 1, and the Cruds climb back to an un-respectable 4-4.  I'd like to point out that I think we're the only sports writers to pick the Falcons to totally fall on their faces this year.

DEADSKINS 21, BRONCOS 45

Getting ahead 21-7, and then getting blown out is pretty special.  The mixture of the Deadskin punting game (7) and  2 INT pick-sixes did it.   38 straight points given up.  Hats off, gentlemen.  A pro is in the basement.

YIKINGS 31,  PACKERS 44

Yikes coach Leslie (Fire Me!) Frazier realizes his best QB was already on team- Christian Ponder- but it's okay because the Yikes defense is just so tired now. I bet they really complained about the ridiculous number of plays the Packers ran.  Geez.  What's with all that running?  

The SHOWER CURTAIN 18,  RAIDERS 21

Raider QB Terrelle Pryor runs 93 yards for a touchdown on the first play of the game, and seals the win.  That's more yards than he got passing (81), but the Reelers had a blocked punt up their sleeve for another Raider TD.  Raiders countered with a fumble at their own 11 for a Reeler's TD, but, sorry, Raiders-  Pittsburgh knows losing better than you.  With a tour through Doormat-land coming up, the Raiders next 5 games could all be wins.  They won't do it, but the pre-season prediction of these guys finishing 8-8 actually looks possible.  Whoa.

BILLS 17,  SAINTS 35

They didn't have a chance.  Saints have to pick up yet another win.  Bills masterfully cough up the ball in all the right places at the right moments.  It's the kind of workmanlike, professional job you'd expect from a tough blue-collar town like Buffalo.  

Dear Readers:

The Doormat Division politely requests that, if you like our Wrap-Ups, to Tweet/retweet them, share them on FB and forward the link to your friends via email.  We need people to know about us, readers-  let us know you got our back.  Thank you.  

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!

BLANK HELMET FOOTBALL REPORT WEEK 8

BLANK HELMET FOOTBALL REPORT

They're down to their 3rd quarterback.   Brandon Weeden is 0-4 and firmly benched.  Brian Hoyer won 3 games (actually Weeden won one, but he didn't start the game), but is now out for the season.
Now what, oh Cleveland Brownies?  Into the breach steps Jason Campbell.  Remember him?  I bet you don't.

The last time the Oakland Raiders were 2 games above .500 was in 2011, at 4-2, and Jason Campbell was the starting QB (because the Jamarcus Russell purple drank flame-out was complete).  Though not flashy, Campbell seemed to have gotten his smarts into his game, and was intelligently running the offense.   Campbell then conveniently broke his collar bone, which caused the Raider front office to go completely bonkers and sign disgruntled 'all-star' QB Carson Palmer away from Cincinnati, and get the Silver and Blacked Out back to playing some atrocious football.    Palmer and Kyle Boller teamed up to throw 5 interceptions in their first game together.  It's been great ever since.

Since then, for Jason it's been the dark obscurity of 3rd string quarterback, where, in this day and age of technology you still have to hold a clipboard, and your locker is down the hall in that unused corrider full of discarded gear from the '70's.   It's even more exciting when you think you're the 2nd string guy, but when the moment comes you find out, NO, here's your clipboard and take off that blank helmet.  You're not worthy.

BUT NOT ANYMORE.   Last season, the San Diego Chargers finally got the message that Norv Turner's 'downfield' passing game is suitable for Division II college football, where you can get away with a seven-step drop and checking down through 18 receivers.  They fired his sorry rump,  and of course the Cleveland Browns immediately called him up!  Let's get that sorry rump over here and ask our QB to hold onto the ball for the absolute maximum and then, with 400 pound goons in your face, throw a perfect strike 35 yards downfield.    So,  Brandon Weeden can't deliver Norv's offense, but Philip Rivers couldn't either.

Jason Campbell, it's your turn.   I'm rooting for this guy, because the Raiders threw him so far under the bus that he ended up in the bike lane with wiry guys in snappy sweaters shaking their iPhone holders (formerly known as fists) at him.   If the Brownie line can hold off the KC line for .3 seconds, Campbell might have just long enough to notice how really really loud the crowd is.

Blank Helmet Football marches into Arrowhead,  with their Doormat Pride held high...and maybe as far away as an arm can hold it.

0-7 for the Seventh Time.

Bucs 13,  Panthers 31

And another invert mirror score 13-31.   Not long ago, this would have been an epic Doormat struggle. Not any more.  The Carolina Panthers have cleared .500 for the first time in five years, and the Tampa Bay Bootineers rush in to take up the space left on our sofa in the Basement.  And, BOY, do they look comfortable.

They even brought us all these super cool plastic magnetic can cozies.   'Fish can put it up on the metal plate in his forehead and use it like a drainage cup, were his head to start leaking.  

0-7 for the seventh time in franchise history.  Losers of 12 of their last 13.   No turnovers, only 5 punts, but 51 passes and no touchdowns until 3 minutes left in the game- a garbage time TD, when the Panthers were already pouring Gatorade on each other.

Is there anybody they can beat? Why would they want to?   In two weeks the Dolphins come to town on a Monday night, a Doormat Marquee headliner.  After that,  the Bills on Dec.8th, and then the Lambs on Dec. 22nd.  The Lambs could be in complete Doormat Monster mode by then, and the Bucs may win a game.  Those three are all that's left between them and a date with History, becoming the only franchise to lose them all TWICE.

C'mon BUCS!!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 7 WORST STATS

Deepest apologies, readers, for not supplying the Week 6 Worst.   Maybe they just weren't bad enough.

NFL WEEK 7 WORST STATS

Points:      3       Eagles

Points allowed:  45   Bears

First Downs:    13   Vikings

Yards:  206       Vikings

Rush:    18        Falcons

Pass:     133      Browns

Punts:   9         Giants, Colts (how do you punt 9 times and score 39 points??)

Turnovers:      3   Vikings,  Broncos, Dolphins, Eagles, Rams

INT:      3      Eagles

penalties:  12-106   Browns; 12-103 Broncos

total penalties:   22-203  Browns-Packers:  20-204 Bucs-Falcons

SACKED:  7-54 Cardinals; 6-43 Jags; 

SEASON WORST NFL STATS WEEK 7

The Jags are starting to take over 

Points Allowed:  31.7  Jags

INTERCEPTIONS:   15  Manning, Giants;   13  Palmer, Crudinals

Lowest Passer Rating:  52.6  Freeman, Vikes;   65.9  Ponder, Vikes

Sacked:  26, Tannehill,  Miami;   25 Smith, Jets

Give-away/Take-Away:   -14 Giants;    -11  Toxins

AVG points:  10.9   Jaguars

Yards PG:   282   Jaguars

Pass YPG:  191.7  Raiders

Rush YPG:     63  Jaguars

Punts:  47 Bills

Fewest Punts forced:  22 Falcons

4th down conversion:  0-6  Broncos

3rd down conversion:  25.4%  Kansas City  

Field Goal PCT:    66.7% made,  Kansas City  (those two stats are telling)

Yards allowed PG:   412.7   Eagles

Pass yards allowed:  320 Broncos

Rush yards allowed:  153  Jags

DOORMAT ALERT: Lambs Show Hand in Move to Acquire Farve

ESPN radio confirmed this morning that the St. Louis Rams, having lost Bradford to a season-ending knee injury, made an unexpected move to guarantee their descent to the bowels of the basement. They called Brett Farve and asked him to not only come out of retirment and quarterback the Rams, but to do it for Monday Night Football against the Seahawks.

Rumor has it that Farve, who is currently enjoying his farm back home in Mississippi, categorically declined the offer, but then left the door open, saying: "I couldn't be ready for Monday. It would take weeks to be ready."

Will he take the offer? It could be one of the best Doormat moves in history. Congratulations to the Rams' front office for this daring move.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 7 WRAP-UP AND DROP KICK INTO FOOTBALL SPACE

Doormat Division Week 7 Standings

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Tampa Bay           0-6          87-132

NY Giants            1-6          103-209
Minnesota            1-5          125-158

Washington          2-4          152-184

Atlanta                2-4          153-157

AFC                                                          .

Jacksonville         0-7           76-222

Houston               2-5         122-194

Raiders                2-4         105-132

Pittsburgh           2-4          107-132

Cleveland            3-4         131-156

GAME OF THE WEEK

VIKINGS 7, GIANTS 23

That's a 'gotcha' smirk in purple if I ever saw one

EAST RUTHERFORD, NEW JERSEY-  MNF hosted the biggest Doormat game of the year last night, turning off televisions all over the globe and saving untold millions in energy bills.  5% of these savings will go into the Leslie Frazier employment fund.

But let’s hope the Vikings coach (Mr. Frazier) gets to finish out the year, because last night was the unveiling of a new genius in the Doormat Division. 

Coming into the week at 1-4 and facing the perfect NY Gnats (0-6), Frazier pulls out all the stops to lose the game.  Unsatisfied with Matt Cassell’s smooth mediocrity,  and keeping Christian Ponder in the dog house (he’s healthy), Frazier does the only thing a team that wants the Moldy Carpet in 2013 should do.  He grabs the flashiest Doormat QB available, Josh Freeman, off the waiver wire like he’s the second coming of Carson Palmer, gives him $2 million dollars to wear some purple, and, with zero prep and about a fingernail’s worth of plays, sends Josh out onto the field in the New Jersey night to captain an already faltering team to Doormat glory.

And the results speak for themselves.  Zero offensive touchdowns,  overthrown balls all night, and 5 first downs early in the 4^th quarter (before ‘desperate garbage’ time) against one of the worst teams in the league.  No more of this weak Matt Cassell missed passes.  With Josh Freeman and complete lack of chemistry with your receivers, you can MISS BIG.  The Gnats punted nine times, really trying to set up the Vikes for something, ANYTHING, but fat chance. 

The Vikings showed the same look on defense on every single play in the game.  That makes it a tough read for Eli Manning, because it CAN’T REALLY BE THE SAME LOOK EVERY TIME, right?  Well, it was.

Faced with this kind of incredibly organized determination, the Gnats cannot make it to 0-7, and are forced to admit, that, at least for one night, the Minnesota Yikings are the worst team in the NFC. 

Yikings Creed:  Carefully Calculated Confusion

LOSING IN THREES

Before last night, Tampa, NY and Jacksonville were winless.  The last time 3 teams made it to week 8 with zero wins was just two years back, in 2011-  the Colts, Dolphins and Rams.  In 1985 (Bucs, Falcs, Bills) and 1997 (Bears, Colts, Falcs) 3 teams made it to week 7.  So, they did not break the record.  Someday 3 teams will make it to Week 9.  Perhaps in our lifetimes, should we be so lucky.

Special thanks to Andrew McKillop of footballgeography.com for sleuthing out those results.  His site is full of amusing and interesting stats. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

There were SIX defensive touchdowns this weekend.  SIX.  3 of them were the opening scores in their respective games. 

JAGUARS 6,  CHARGERS 24

Another footballgeography stat:  the Gaguars have never been the last team standing with no wins during a regular season.  They’ve got to hang on and hope somebody, somewhere can lose to the Bucs.  The Gags are certainly doing their part, skipping the touchdown thing yesterday, chipping in a couple field goals, and conserving energy for the long plane ride to London in next week’s  British Banger Doormat Beat Down game against the 49ers. 

The Jags pull their point average down to 10.8 after last week’s 19-point explosion, keeping hope alive that they can be worse than the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccanneers (8.9 per game).   Live the dream.  Follow your bliss.  But be sure it’s not a concussion first.

BUCCANEERS 23,  FALCONS 31

The Bucs opened this game with a fumble-TD gift to the Falcons, setting the tone.  The Falcons keep it close, but the usual juicy 4^th quarter opportunities are eschewed by the Bootineers, who resort to the kicking game to keep points down and victory at a distance. Tampa keeps their record spotless (0-6), and have a big game against the Tennessee Yo-Yos this Thursday. 

STEELERS 19, RAVENS 16

The Shower Curtain kicks 4 field goals and score one TD.  It’s too much, and the Reelers win another one.  How did they do it?  How about this:  early in the 4^th quarter, the Ravens kick a field goal to pull within 13-9.  Unsatisfied with the Steeler’s lack of an offense, and the eminent return of the ball in few plays via a punt, the Ravens pull an onside kick, giving the Steelers the ball at the Ravens 43.  Sure enough, the Reelers stumble to a first down and scrape the spheroid over the goalposts and lead by a touchdown, 16-9. This way the Ravens can only tie it, and then set the Steelers up for a game-ending field goal to send Pittsburgh reeling to a two game deficit in the Moldy Carpet standings.   Whew!

TEXANS 16,  CHIEFS 17

This game was close, but it wasn’t exciting, except for Alex Smith’s phantom hand-off that turned into a quarterback draw that turned into a TD, as the Texan defense stood mesmerized by a guy standing there, facing the wrong way, with the ball just dangling in space.  Texans barely lose, despite only 14 first downs. 

BROWNS 13,  PACKERS 31

One of our few ‘invert score’ games this year,  the Brownies are back in gear, losing 2 straight, a cosy 3-4, and the bum’s rush defense of KC waiting for them at Arrowhead this Sunday. 

RAMS 15,  PANTHERS 30

Hey.  Let’s not be hasty and go forgetting about the Rams.  Now 3-4, and rolling out 5 points in the first half, the Lambs are showing some of their old flair.  3 turnovers,  15 first downs, and some revolving QBs.  They’ve dispensed with having a running game, and pulled off a pick-six on the first play of the game.  Yow!  Feels like old times!

DOLPHINS 21, BILLS 23

Another game opens with a return for a TD, with the Dolphins making the first move.  Despite scoring only 1 offensive TD, punting 7 times, and doing just about everything to get beat, the Bills win.  The Flops did it when it counted- with QB Ryan Tannehill capping off his 3-turnover day with a marvel of a fumble at his own 34 with only 2:48 left in the game, and the Bills trailing by a point.   The Bills scrape down to the Miami 13 and even they can’t miss that.  Bills WIN!

aaaAAAAAnd That’s The VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

The Oracle Rises and Falls Again

Well, the $20,000 didn't last long. Yasmina (the young Israeli accountant on the right) was a lot hungrier than I thought, but being eaten alive by her wasn't so bad. At least I have some memories--lots of memories.

So now the Oracle from the Basement awakes and, WTF, it's week eight? The Chiefs, winner, er loser, er you get it, of Doormat Bowl 2013 is undefeated, 7-0, and in first place in AFC West? Huh? Well, at least the Pheebles, or I guess it's now the Beagles, are losing with panache. Nice job, there, Chippy!

Anyway, the Oracle, that's me, sobered up and realized I had to get out of Israel and get back to the States for some football. I still had a standby ticket out of Haifa, so I hitched a ride with an Israeli tank squadron. They were a fun-loving group of soldiers and it was a good ride, except for the firefight around the Lebanese border.

It must drive those fundamentalists crazy when they get their butts handed to them by a bunch of girls. Anyway, they dropped me off at the airport and I took a flight back to Greece so I could visit a real oracle, the Oracle of Delphi. It was kinda quiet there, and it was mostly an empty well, but after about three bottles of Retsina--it tastes pretty good after the second bottle--I think I did hear something. "You can't sleep here," it said. Oh, it was a cop. Time to move on.


As I slept it all off on the plane back to the States, I pondered the words of the Oracle of Delphi. "You can't sleep here." What did that mean? What did that indicate about the future? Then it hit me like a wet baseball in spring training. You can't just enjoy your achievements, you have to keep working, you have to keep striving. Just because you were 2-14 this year, it doesn't mean you won't be 14-2 next year. To be a great loser, you have to work at it, every day, every hour, every minute, every time. Never lose your edge. Go further. As Emerson said, "Courageous people have no more courage than the rest of us, they just have it for five minutes longer."

So, I am back, baby, back on the Barcalounger, sipping a flat quart of Bo, eating black corn chips, and spinning a bottle of Retsina--no turkey this time--and here are the predictions for week 8. A lot of Doormats going up against some league leaders.

Carolina- 17
Tampa Bay- 7
(God, this will be a bad game)

San Francisco- 58
Jacksonville- 3
(Blowout of the week)

NY Jets- 21
Cincinnati-17

Cleveland- 3
Kansas City- 10

Buffalo- 14
New Orelans- 42

Washington- 21
Denver- 33

Atlanta- 21
Arizona- 10

Green Bay- 36
Minnesota- 14 (Both TDs in 4th Qtr.)

New York Giants- 14
Philadephia- 17
(Game of the week!)

Seattle- 28
St. Louis- 15

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 7 PREVIEW

VIKINGS  (+2.5) at GIANTS (monday)

The Yikes (1-4) and the Gnats (0-6) are the marquee Doormat game this weekend, aptly scheduled for Monday Night. The Giants are FAVORED.   Unsatisfied with mediocre play from Christian Ponder and Matt Cassell, the Yikings went out and snagged the worst 4000-yard, 27 touchdown-pass quarterback in the league- Josh Freeman.   The job is yours, now, Josh.   Let's hear Mr. Freeman tell it:

"The underlying questions I've been getting from a lot of people: `Do I have a chip on my shoulder?' I'm sure I do," Freeman said. "But I think it's more deeply rooted than just the past six months, 12 months."  

Not only has a deeply rooted chip gotta hurt, it's dang hard to knock off, so I guess the message is Freeman will be carrying around a splinter the size of a redwood tree under his shoulder pads on Monday, and that's going to mess with his accuracy.  But, you just gotta grab a Bull by the horns of a dilemma, I always say.

On the other side of the line,  Eli "Intercepto" Manning is on pace for 40 interceptions for the season, so Freeman has his work cut out for him.  If the Gnats aren't careful, they're going to win a game.   The Gnats have no pass rush and can't intercept a soft-toss bagel in the cashier line at the bakery, so Freeman just might look like a winner to Yiking fans.  For one game.  But, the Gnats KNOW this is it- if they can't win this one, give up and go for the Moldy Carpet.  Says here they decide to win one.

Final Score-  27-24
EDGE TO LOSE-  VIKINGS



CHARGERS (-7.5) at JAGUARS

Some people think this is the Jaguars best shot at a victory.   That's in three  weeks when the Crudinals come to town.  Jags are exhausted from last week's effort.  It's a bye week, except there's a game.  Chargers will blow them out.  Rivers has 3 TD passes in first half.   

Final Score:  38-10
Edge to Lose:  JAGS


BUCCANEERS (+7)  at ATLANTA

Another great Doormat game, even if Atlanta refuses to come into the Basement from the patio. Hovering out there over the grill, the sun going down, the temperature dropping, waiting for that call from the win column.  As bad as Atlanta has been, they just can't blow this one....CAN THEY?? The Bucs just have a stiff for an offense, so they'll keep the game close, but the Falcons will not have to make a comeback in this one.   Bucs keep the winless streak alive. Long way to go to tie the franchise record of 26 straight losses, but you 
must do it one game at a time.

Final Score:  35-13

EDGE to LOSE:  BUCS



CLEVELAND (+10) at GREEN BAY

The Browns got back down to .500 last week, and are this week's biggest underdog. How big's the Brownie on your shoulder, Cleveland?  Well, they just signed former #7 Green Bay pick WR Charles Johnson, only to find out he has a torn ACL, so that should help.  The Brownies just keep it coming, don't they?  But the Pack counters with injuries to just about everybody except Aaron Rodgers, so let's see how too-hard he tries against what is a formidable Browns defense.  Browns QB Brandon Weeden has slightly better mobility than a tombstone on a warm day, so the Packers will be blitzing on just about every play. It's going to be an old-fashioned NFL slugfest. A SLUFGEST, even.  Otto Graham will be watching from the great beyond. 

Final score:  12-10
EDGE TO LOSE:  Browns (but just barely).


HOUSTON (+6) at CHIEFS

Can the Cheaps keep winning, with Alex Smith having a completely mediocre year?  He did it in SF, so why not?  The Texans should blitz, right up the middle, the heck out of Alex and see just how rattled he gets. He's the leagues premier roll-out and throw it away QB.  The Toxins (2-4) have their chance to get into the Moldy Carpet conversation, and what better place than the loudest stadium in the NFL (take that, Seattle)?  Just last year, you could have sworn Arrowhead was one of those over-carpeted French restaurants where everything sounds like a muted whisper and it seems like your food is talking to you (at least the mushrooms are) and your waiter seems to be 100 yards away.  Not anymore.  There's a slobberingly loud Chiefs fan spraying beer spittle over your head after every play and nobody is sitting down.  Into this cacaphony of tail-gate fueled mayhem comes Texan rookie QB Case Keenum, undrafted and active for his first game ever.  Last guy to do that was Jake Delhomme for the Saints.   They're going to eat him alive.

Final Score:   20-3
EDGE TO LOSE: TEXANS


BILLS (+8)  AT DOLPHINS

The Flip-Flops are favored by EIGHT POINTS?  This game should be a Doormat lulu.  Miami as zero pass blocking.  The Nils have 21 sacks, and Miami QB Ryan Tannehill has hit the turf 24 times.  LOOK OUT.  

Final Score:  13-9
EDGE TO LOSE: DOLPHINS


RAVENS (-1.5) at STEELERS

The Shower Curtain got off the snide last week, but they're still 1-5 folks.  Nobody is running away with the AFC North.  It's gonna be a muck-fest.  On astroturf.   The Reelers have one weapon- bombs away from Big Ben.
It's not enough.

Final Score:  44-23
EDGE to Lose:  STEELERS


aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!

Crudinals Finally Getting it in Gear

CARDINALS 22,  SEAHAWKS 34

Last year, the University of Phoenix Crudinals got off to a 4-0 start, inflating the fan base to a giddy biliousness that inverted to a gaseous pffft as the Cruds lost 11 of their last 12 games.   In the offseason, not satisfied with 5-11 for a Doormat effort, the Cruds picked up Doormat QB extraordinaire Carson Palmer, a QB the Oakland Raiders gave up on (and that's really saying something).   The Cruds got off to a rocky start, though, having to face the Lambs,  the Lions, the Bootineers and the Panthers- all experienced Doormat teams.   As Mr. Palmer usually pulls a bit of a bait-and-switch at the start of every season, the Cruds built a 3-2 record.  That's no way to win the Moldy Carpet (or Mouldy Carpette as the more refined refer to it).

Mr. Palmer does what he does best

But Carson has his act going now, and there may be no stopping him, if  U. of Phee wants to get to the bottom of things.   He's thrown 11 interceptions in the last 4 games, and 13 total , only 2 behind interception wizard Eli Manning.  Palmer likes to hold onto the ball for too long, scramble and then throw rockets to whoever is man enough to catch them.

Stepping up bigtime last night, Palmer throws two interceptions in his own territory, both turning into TDs, and gets sacked 7 times (give the O-line some credit here!).    Another team with no rushing game (30 tiny yards last night), Palmer gets 45 chances to blow it, and the odds are just too good on that account.   

Losers of two straight, standing (well, slumping) at 3-4,  look ahead to Jacksonville in 3 weeks to see just how LOW THEY CAN GO.

It's a shame Matt Schaub is injured, because the Cruds-Texans game in two weeks would be a helluva Doormat QB face-off.  Two Time Bomb Game.

4-12 is still possible, and though it won't win the Moldy Carpet, it will at least serve notice to the NFL that this teams means business.

-wacko

                                       

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 6 WRAP-UP

The Run to The Moldy Carpet?

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

NY Giants            0-6          103-209

Tampa Bay          0-5          64-101

Washington         1-4          107-143

Atlanta               1-4          122-134

Minnesota           1-4          125-158

AFC                                                          .

Jacksonville        0-6           70-198

Pittsburgh           1-4           88-116

Buffalo                2-4          136-157

Houston               2-4         106-177

Raiders                2-4         105-132

I’m not sure why we call it the “Run to the Moldy Carpet.”  Maybe it should be “the saunter,” or “the shuffle.”  Or the crunch.  Whatever you call it, we have 3 teams remaining with perfect records.  The Giants, the Bucs and the Jags all sport a big “O” in the win column, and it’s been many years since we had 3 teams at 0-fer in week 6.  Last year at this time we had 5 teams at 1-5, but no perfect record.  Tampa has the historical precedent, and the Giants you could say are hampered by a quality QB (though he leads the league in INTs).  So far, only the Jags look as close to a dead cert as you can get it to go ALL THE WAY to 0-16.  

GAME OF THE WEEK

RAIDERS 7, CHIEFS 24

This wasn’t some cheap loss.  The Oakland Raiders pulled out all the stops, threw the kitchen sink in, put the pedal to the metal, and torched their season in one game. 

Before I go on, I’d like to point out I’m a Raiders fan.  Okay?  Fine.  This is a long, tough rivalry between these two teams, and though the Cheaps came in big favorites, you have to toss that out.  And they almost did.

The game started with a hard nosed hail of punts, 5 in the first quarter alone, as both teams do nothing.  Chiefs fans barely noticed as the crowd noise climbed to jet engine levels, the new BFD at all stadiums now, bringing severe hearing loss up from its level of disrespected handicap to badge of honor.  The Chiefs were blitzing like crazy, but the Raiders were doing the same.  It was even.  End of 1^st quarter 0-0

Oh, let’s just cut to the chase.  The Raiders and Chiefs were both blitzing their brains out, but the Raiders came up with the O-line injuries to turn the tide.  Except for their lone miraculous touchdown, almost every Raider possession ended with a third and forever, and if you think I’m exaggerating, check this out:  on one 4^th quarter possession,  the Raiders started 1^st and 10 at the 50.  First play, holding.  1^st and 20.  Pryor sacked for 12 yards.  2^nd and 32.  PENALTY, delay of game (This is where the crowd noise reached 137 db).  2^nd and 37.  Pryor then sacked for -11 yards.  3^rd and 48. 

THIRD AND 48????   The only play to call there is ‘incomplete pass.’  The PUNT didn’t even get past the 1^st down marker, going a measly 46 yards.  Think about that. 

Raider QB Terrelle Pryor followed up that possession with an interception, and then a pick six, and the Chiefs were safely ahead 24-7.   Marquette King provides the Raiders highlight with a 61 yard punt.  It traveled that far in the air. 

TEN Sacks!  11 penalties!  3 interceptions, EIGHT punts (more punts than points congratulations Raiders!), and enough injuries to the offensive line to require putting in the Gatorade tub as a right guard.  It got called for holding.  Faced with a pass rush that bordered on frantic, the Rayderz have no answer, not even a screen pass, for this blitz of a blitzing blitz.  The irony is the Cheaps were totally game for a Doormat game, getting off 8 punts themselves, but they were absolutely so match for what the Raiders can do when they put their minds to it.   

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

JAGUARS 19,  BRONCOS 35

Broncos come out overconfident at home and the Jags come out pissed off and cover the gaudy 27-point spread.  That’s as close as they're getting to a win this year, so they better take it.   Jags improve to 0-6.

RAMS 38,  TEXANS 13

How bad are the Texans?  Now you know.  Faced with unrelenting booing from his home town, Matt Schaub does the honorable thing and gets injured, giving his fans their one chance to cheer with gusto.  And they did.  Problem is, the Texans don’t have Jim Plunkett standing on the sidelines, ready to come in and propel himself into the Hall of Fame (see Raiders 1980).   They’ve got Mr. Yates who tossed a couple more interceptions to keep the average up and challenge the Giants for most INTs.   The Lambs got only 15 first downs, but when 2 of your TDs are by the defense, who needs to break a sweat?   Lambs paste the Texans and bring a nice, cold serving of Doormat reality to Houston.  As if they didn’t already get that with the Astros.

REDSKINS 16,  COWBOYS 31

Redskins special teams do the job, allowing a TD return and a loooooong 90 yard return to set up another easy score for the Cowboys and Bob’s your Uncle-  another loss.   Tony Romo dodges having to do anything under pressure.

STEELERS 19, JETS 6

For a while it looked like there wasn’t going to be a touchdown in this game, but the Jets decided that it was just them that were kicking only field goals on the day, and let Big Ben throw one of his patented bombs for the lone TD.  Game Over.  Reelers blow their perfect record.

TITANS 13,  SEAHAWKS 20

With Ryan Fitzpatrick back there at QB for the Titans,  you’ve got the the man who throws more interceptions per attempt than any other active NFL QB.  Now THAT’S active.   Until Jake Locker comes back, the Titanics will keep on sinking.

VIKINGS 10,  PANTHERS 35

Matt Cassell reminds the Yiking faithful why he’s not in KC anymore.   Cam Newton has another Yo-Yo game, and the Pansies are the Yo-Yo team of 2013.   

BUCCANEERS 20,  EAGLES 31

Bucs play better for one half, and then give up.   0-5 and looking tough, even if the new QB is an improvement.  He’s still a rookie.

BILLS 24,  BENGALS 27 (OT)

Practice squad QB Thad Lewis plays great for the Bills, but the special teams in OT take care of business, allowing a long runback for an upback and the Bills get kicked back into the basement.

By the way, none of our winless teams play each other this year.   What a shame.

aaaAAAAAAND THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!