Summer is Over, Eat the Grass, Loser

OK, the Oracle From the Basement will spin the frozen turkey for the first time this year...hmmm, took it out of the freezer and got kinda busy, it's been in the 96 degree sun for a few hours and the cat took a few bites out of it...I thought it wasn't summer, eh? All righty then, I'll spin this old remote with the leaking batteries in it.....

Floppers- 17
Texans- 32

Lambs- 3
Kittens- 42 (wow, this would have been a great game three years ago)

Eagles- 36
Brownies- 0

Deadskins- 12
Ain'ts- 17

Falcons- 21
Cheeps- 10

Gaguars-7
Yikings-6 (egad what an awful game this will be)

Dolts- 13
Bears-44

Seahags- 7
Crudinals- 10

Pansies- 24
Bootineers- 21

Bungles- 14
Ravens-28

Buncos- 28
Steelers- 33

Gentleman, post your predictions!

Doormat Division NFL 2012 Preview

DOORMAT DIVISION 2012 PREVIEW!!!!!!!

The Worst Teams in the NFL 2012, Hands Down.

Greetings , football fans.  It’s almost time.  Time to stand up, and be counted.  Time to do what’s right for this country.  Time to-  can I sit down now?  I’m winded.

Who is ready?  Who has done what it takes in the off-season?  Who has reported to camp so out of shape that they don’t have a shape?  Who has been juicing with an entire microbrewery and setting off firearms in their pants?  What team has the cajones to make losing a team-wide effort, from the owner right down to the equipment manager? 

Tee it up!   Fish your lucky rock out from under the TV after you broke the screen with it in week 10 last year! 

OK let’s cut the crap- I’ve got some beer going stale on the patio and some porn to download to the Commodore 64- and take a look at our top finishers last year, and a couple teams that have the potential to make a spectacular dive-bomb into the BASEMENT.  

[Last Year’s record in parenthesis]

ST. LOUIS RAMS  (2-14)

The Reigning Chuckleheads of Ineptitude are back!  Jeff Fisher is the new coach.  So? They have a new GM.  And? They have a new offensive coordinator.  They probably even have a new girl at the front desk.  The Lambs are…trying to get better.  Their Doormat dominance is threatened!  Or is it?

Sam Bradford, just about the worst QB in the league the last couple of seasons- that still has a starting job- may actually get more than .5 seconds to throw this season.  If he waits that long.  At this point, he probably drops the groceries and hits the carpet if a seven-year-old comes up behind him.   The Lambs led the league in getting sacked, had the worst offense, scored only 9 passing TDs, and allowed, consistently, huge gainers right up the middle on defense.   Add in the atrocious DBs, and that’s quite a potent combination.   

They did draft a couple flashy DBs, but they’re still rookies, so don’t get me excited.

They are going to lean on…wait for it…Stephen Jackson.   In this league in this modern age, that’s just the white flag.  And that's the flag of victory if you are going for the worst record in the league!  

You don’t play ball control with a running game.  You do it with incredible special teams.   Wait’ll NEXT year.  Or the next.

Predicted finish:  2-14   and, honest, I don’t know who they are going to beat.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS  (2-12)

Andrew Luck! Andrew Luck! Andrew Luck!  Anybody else?  In fact, YES.  The Dolts took just about the whole team out to the dumpster this off-season, and have pledged to actually field Special Teams.   Luck’s favorite target at Stanford, Coby Fleener, is hanging around, so….

People, the Dolts were terrible last year.  Their defense was beyond stale. However, the Dolts play quite a few pretty darn crummy teams this year, so they have a shot to rack up some tainted wins against teams that gave up in Week 2.   Let’s remember that in Cam Newton’s first year, the Panthers improved from Doormat Champ (2-14) to 6-10.  Luck is going to keep them in games no doubt about it,  and the franchise appears to not be making the right kind of moves to establish a culture of losing, so it looks like…

Predicted finish:  5-11

MINNESOTA VIKINGS  (3-13)

Challenging to the end last season, in so many ways, the Yikings bring lots of potential to take the Moldy Carpet this year.  Immediately imperiling their chances are the first two games:  the Jaguars and the Dolts.   That’s gonna be tough to get by, but having Adrian Peterson not appearing until snap 1 next week, recovering from ACL surgery, is gonna help.

Remember, this is the team that blew more leads than any other team in the league last year.   They don’t adjust, and they get tired, and they had only two plays- hit the deck, and run for your life.   Losing that many leads again would take a miracle, but I think the Yikes are going to get behind early more often- it’s a stronger strategy.

The Yikes did not solve their linebacker problems and there is little sign the O-line has stepped up.  QB Christian Ponder is going to be better, but why not keep blitzing him like crazy last year, if the Yikes can’t stop them?  It’s going to be a LOOOOOONG season in the Twin Cities.  Their offense is coming from new kicker Blair Walsh, who, in the preseason, was booting 55-yard field goals like they were chip shots.   This could help ruin their chances.

Apparently, the management has stopped thinking they are GOING TO THE SUPER BOWL RIGHT NOW and are making actual attempts at building a franchise, so this may be the season to go for the Moldy Carpet, because these opportunities don’t come every year…except for the Lambs.

Predicted finish:  4-12

CLEVELAND BROWNS   (4-12)

You know, I’ve been told the sun still comes up in Cleveland.  But you wouldn’t know it if you took your cue from the sports universe of Cleveland.  It’s been a nuclear winter for a while now. 

Last year, new Brownies coach Pat Shurmur, thanks to the lockout, never met his team until about 5 minutes before kickoff in the first game.  The result?  Another solid season of losing, and doing it with no style at all.   none.   This off-season, they’ve ratcheted it up a couple notches-  the Brownies mean business folks.

They’ve changed ownership, BUT NOT THE COACH,  have a rookie at QB, RB and offensive RT.  At least with the break-downs being on the right side of the line, new QB Brandon Weeden will SEE the freight trains about to run him over, and he can dive for the turf quickly. 

The Browns did not turn the ball over much last year, but that’s going to be the new wrinkle in their offense- the killer turnover, and the defense, which wasn’t atrocious, still shows no sign of being able to stop the run. 

Their first 5 games are against the Eagles and then 4 playoff teams, including the Giants. 

Pow! WOW!   Pour a bowl of Chomps and tilt the recliner waaaaaaaay back, Cleveland.  Like, say, to Detroit.

Predicted finish:  1-15 and Odds-on favorite for the Moldy Carpet.

TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS  (4-12)

Well, somebody has to get better around here.  It’s not these guys.  College coach from Rutgers takes over the growing Bootineer culture of losing.  Just what they need- some good ol’ college pep for a team that flat-out QUIT last year, dive-bombing the final 10 games of the season. 

Uh-oh- Preston Parker is still on the roster- the fumblinest man in football.   Look for Josh Freeman and Parker to resume their unmatched match made in Doormat Heaven.   The linebackers look just as suspect as last season, and…they needed to take this whole roster to the laundry chute.

I was reading an anaylst’s blog about how the Bucs are trying to get back to the ‘glory days.’  You mean, 1976?!?   Don’t put that kind of pressure on them.  Please, no orange pants.  Think about it- that's what they have to wear for 'throwback' games.  

The Bucs have to play Atlanta twice, New Orleans twice and the Panthers twice.  That’s 6 losses already.  This team is prime target #1 for teams that are turning it around and want to prove it.  Redskins game on Sept 30^th will be exhibit A.  I see K.C. in Oct.,  Minnesota in Nov., and the Lambs in Dec. as the only games that are going to spoil their quest for the bottom of the NFC and another perfect season.  If they can get their quit on before that, these guys could do it.

Predicted Finish:  3-13

WASHINGTON REDSKINS   (5-11)

With RGB III and anybody else with a name that sounds like an old Xbox cable, these guys will improve under the Shanaplan, which will be a shame because I just love to watch Shanahan’s various looks of incredulity as his boys blow another game.  OK, he’s only got one expression, but it’s priceless.  

Predicted finish:   7-9

The Buffalo Bills,  Miami Dolphins and the NY Jets

We have a unique situation here, with three teams all capable of totally imploding, yet they are all in the same division, have to play each other twice and they all get the Lambs, Crudinals and Seattle.    It’s not as amazing as the NFC West a couple seasons ago when 7-9 was good enough for the crown, but it’s gonna be a real dogfight to see who can get to the basement and stay there.   LAST year, the Bills looked great for 7 weeks, and then Ryan Fitzpatrick went on an unprecedented interception rampage.  The Fins found a way to lose so often it was uncanny,  and the Jets and Coach Ryan just can’t keep up the Super Bowl talk anymore.  Nobody’s listening, and that includes the players. 

Right around week 10 these teams records will be 3-7, 4-6 and 6-4.  You pick.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS  (5-11)

Blaine Gabbart is still the QB.  Things can’t be that much better.  Plus, the Gaguars have the hardest schedule next to the Brownies.  If they haven’t gone down to Louisiana to get a mojo hand I think this team could give the Brownies a serious run for the Carpet.

Predicted Finish:   6-10

KANAS CITY CHIEFS   (7-9)

There’s nowhere to go but sideways.  Cheep!

Predicted Finish   8-8

OAKLAND RAIDERS  (8-8)

Any team with Carson Palmer makes the Cincinnati Bengals happy- as long as it’s not them.   The Raydurzzzz  led the league in penalties last year, and still will find a way to miss the playoffs one more time.   

Predicted Finish:   7-9

SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (7-9)

Seahags management finally found out their uniform designer was colorblind, and for the first time in franchise history you can see the team when they are on the field. That's two more wins right there.

Imagine how much worse it would have been if they’d played outside in the rain and mist in those green on green on bluish green on blue on grayish green blue things all these years.   

Prestidigitated Finish:  10-6

PHOENIX U. CARDINALS   (8-8)

The Cruds get the Lambs twice,  the Nils, Jets, Dolphins,  and Minnesota, so it’s going to be just as hard as last year to contend for the Moldy Carpet.   They can't catch a break.  But they’ll still be 0-3 after starting with the Seahags,  Patriots and Eagles, so never count this team out.  

Premeditated finish:    7-9

Man, I just can't WAIT for Sunday.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand That's the View from the Basement!!!

Dolts Hold on To Lose Doormat Bowl III

Lambs top Dolts in Doormat Bowl III in Russia

In a bedevilling exercise in futility, the St. Louis Lambs survived the Bonehead Forest to defeat the Indianapolis Dolts, 24-17 in Doormat Bowl III on February 24, 2012 in Krustkarsk, Russia. The temperature at kickoff was -6 degrees Farenheit, but the over 125,000 roaring fans, fortified with Vodka, cheered their way through a game highlighted by the Indianapolis defense rushing for more yards than its offense.

"This was a great day for us," said Lambs running back Jerious Norwood. "Thanks to the fans, you'd never known we was the worst two teams in the NFL." Norwood ran for 23 yards on 10 carries with one TD.

"We very much enjoyed American football," said one Russian fan. "But it was not so high scoring as we believed. You get a lot of points to score, but if you think about it, only 7 scores in the game and Lambs win 4-3, like soccer. But we love all the hitting!"

Indianapolis took the opening kickoff deep in it's own end zone and ran it out to the one-half yard line. Two dropped passes later, the Rams finally intercepted the third errant throw from Chris Painter and scampered into the end zone. Lambs, 7-0.

On it's next posession, Indianapolis started on the 23-yard-line. Addai ran two up the middle for a combined loss of 8 yards. On third and very long, Painter rifled one to Austin Collie who got loose in the backfield and ran the ball to the St. Louis 23. On the very next play, Painter was sacked by line backer James Laurinaitis. The ball popped loose and defensive end Brandon Lloyd scooped up the ball and lumbered all the way for score. lambs, 14-0.

On the Dolts next drive they replaced Painter with Orlovsky, who competed three consecutive passes to get the ball to the Lambs' 48. But the offense sputtered on the ground and they punted. At this point the game turned into more of a tennis match, as each team took three downs and punted, until late in the second quarter.

On 3rd and 17, Sam Bradford rolled right and fired a bullet to Jerious Norwood. The ball glanced off his fingers, skipped off his helmet, and fell into the hands of safety Melvin Bullit. Bullit streaked for the sideline, but tight end Hoomanawanui knocked the ball loose. It squirted out as Hoomanaqanuiu dove on it and a massive pile of scrambling Dolts and Lambs ensued. Officials estimate the ball exchanged possession 9 times in the next 25 seconds, and it was carried a total of 123 yards, but ultimately the Dolts linebacker A. J. Edds got control of the ball and staggered to the Lambs' 18-yard-line before Bradford dragged him to the icy field, Bradford sustained a concussion in the process and left the game.

On the very next play the Dolts coughed up the ball on an end run and the Lambs recovered on the 23. St.Louis could not move the ball and punted on 4th and 10. The Dolts blocked the punt, recovered it on the 30, and ran it into the end zone with 10 seconds left in the half. Lambs 14, Dolts 7.

The third quarter was a punt fest, but the Lambs did manage a field goal to extend the lead to 17-7. But, in the fourth quarter, the Dolts' fortunes changed. The Lambs started blizting on every play, fueled by the desire to put the game away early, and Orvlosky suddenly found his rhythm. With a name like Orvlovsky, the Russian fans connected with him, and their roaring chants of his name may have inspired him, and he threaded pass after pass through the charging Lambs. Orvlosvsky marched the Dolts downfield for a touchdown, and then engineered a clock-killing drive, just the thing you want to do when you are behind, that ended in a Dolts field goal with just two minutes to go in the game. Tied, 17-all.


After 16 grueling regular season games, it came down to just two minutes to decide which team could find a way to lose and earn the coveted Mouldy Carpet.

The Dolts on-side kick was unsuccessful and the Lambs took the ball on their own 40. Three up-the-middle runs later it was 4th and 12 and the punting team came on the field with 35 seconds to go. in the frozen twilight, the temperature dipping below -18 degrees Farenheit, punter John Hekker took the hike and drilled at 56-yard, towering kick deep into the end zone.

"I never saw a punt like that," coach Steve Spagnuolo said later, "Maybe it was that cold, Russian air, maybe it was John drinking Vodka during the game, but the hang time was so long every Lamb on the field was standing there when Joe Lefeged dropped the ball."

For reasons Lefeged still can't explain, he did not call for a fair catch and he attempted to surprise everyone by taking the kick and squirting through the ring of Lambs. It didn't work. The ball zipped through his arms, bounced on the ground, and the Lambs recovered it for a touchdown. One extra point later it was 24-17 Lambs with just 20 seconds to go. The Dolts attempted another onside kick, but failed because St. Louis was actually kicking off, taking Indianapolis totally by surprise. The Dolts started on their own 20 and ran out the clock to finally lose Doormat Bowl III and earn Mouldy Carpet.

Doormat Report: The NFC Championship

Alex Smith gets ready to throw it right at Mr. Joseph's head.

New York Giants 20, San Francisco 49ers 17 (OT)

Well, here we are. Our last resurrected doormat team, the last team to lose at least 10 games last year, but make the playoffs this year, has been eliminated. It was a record-setting number (5 teams!!). It’s been uplifting (the Barcalounger made it to the upright position), educating , and surreal (making guacamole in January in the Basement…uncharted territory). At least the avocadoes were on sale. Usually we have to make it out of mashed potatoes and green dye. Tastes about the same, once you’ve had 3 quarts of PBR.

Bye bye to the Houston Texans (6-10 last year, 10-6 this year), Cincinnati Bungles (4-12 last year, 9-7 this year) Denver Buncos (4-12/ 8-8), the Detroit Lions (6-10/10-6) and, finally, the San Francisco 49ers (6-10/ 13-3), this year’s official Amazing Turnaround team.

They almost made it, folks, doing it with a defense that actually knows how to tackle and just grinds you into a pulp. They also did it by not turning the ball over anymore, phenomenal special teams play, and a resurrected QB who stopped running like a chicken with his head cut off and throwing the ball into the dirt and making crucial game killing turnovers.

Until yesterday. Alex Smith, the man who caused a collective groan throughout Northern California when it was announced he was going to be the starting QB this year for the Niners, did an encore performance of Bad Alex yesterday. We hadn’t seen much of Bad Alex this year. He still didn’t turn the ball over, but the rest of his performance was Doormat Special all the way. Giving up on the play early, not throwing it when the timing pattern calls for it, and the receiver actually IS open at the moment intended, throwing the ball low, or just plain skipping it to his receiver, rolling out and throwing way off the mark, and the classic Alex, throwing a flat, level, dart that has a slim chance of getting past the line, or if it does, zero chance of getting past the DB or linebacker covering the man over the middle. How a guy can be in the league 7 years and not learn how to lead a receiver on a short route, and loft the ball over the reach of the defender speaks volumes about that man’s determination and mind-set. It’s very interesting, especially when you are barely 6 feet tall and need every inch you can get.

Nobody goes 1-13 on third downs and goes to the Super Bowl. Except they almost did.

Can’t they get Joe Montana to give him just a COUPLE pointers on loft? Steve Young??

Doormat kudos goes to Kyle Williams, the rookie who had to fill in for Ted Ginn Jr., the best return man in the NFL this year, and a weapon on offense with the reverse play. How did Williams do? He botched a punt that gave the Giants the ball deep in 49er territory and resulted in the 4^th quarter Giants touchdown, and then fumbled the punt in overtime that led to the winning field goal, a total of 10 points that basically handed the game to the Giants. Also, don’t forget: the only reverse of the game in the first quarter was fumbled by Williams, though he did retrieve it. Williams had some great games for the Niners this year, but he is now the goat for the entire off-season, and we are putting up a poster of him on the wall behind the TV (right next to the Raven’s K Billy Cundiff) in honor of his complete Doormat meltdown, single-handedly giving the game away. It’s going to be a LONG winter for Mr. Williams. Somebody keep an eye on that young man.

Side note: Let's not forget that the Ravens used to be the Cleveland Browns, people, and that shanked FG by Cundiff was Blank Helmet Football all the way or I'll eat my Doormat membership card.

And, finally, Doormat Gold honors to Jim Harbaugh, who did a fantastic job with this 49er team this year, but in OT yesterday forgot the most critical axiom- everybody’s tired, and if you’ve got some running backs, RUN THE BALL right over the other team until they prove they can stop it. Don’t have Mr. Throw it Away run the offense.

OK, we’ve grilled the Niners, whose defense played incredible yesterday, but the weak link did them in. That’s how it goes in the big games. Don’t put a rookie in a pressure situation in the big game. He’s going to blow it at some point. You can take that to the bank.

But, you know what? We’ll TAKE from 6-10 to 13-3 (14-4) right now and right up until training camp next year….when they have a new quarterback. Good God, people, we were TERRIBLE last year and for the last 10 years. We made it to the NFC Championship!! The Doormat Division is extreeeeeeeeeeemely proud of the 49ers, and yesterday's loss doesn't diminish that in the slightest. It feels good to have lost a big game, because, by cracky, we were THERE.

aaaAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

Lambs, Dolts Prepare for Doormat Bowl

Krustkarsk, Russia--All the attention may be on the ex-doormat San Francisco 49ers as they prepare for the NFC Championship game, but here in Krustkarsk the buzz is all about teams that are still in the basement sipping beers on the Barcalounger.

The Doormat Bowl is just a few weeks away, and the temperature rose to -6 degrees in Krustkarsk this morning, and the Lambs and Dolts were able to get in some practice after heater trucks thawed out the turf in the Raisa Gorbachyova Soccer Stadium. At the airport, which is closed due to neglect, teens drank Vodka and drag raced trucks in the pleasant winter weather.

Raisa Soccer Stadium

"We are so bursting with proud to be hosting a real American professional football game here in Russia," said Vladimir Putskiya, mayor of Krustkarsk.

Krustkarsk in January

Putskiya said they have sold over 120,000 tickets for the Doormat Bowl. "We have only the 80,000 seats so it should be a noisy crowd," he said. Last year's Doormat Bowl was at Grant High School in Portland, Oregon. The mostly soccer-fan crowd of 2,400 spent the better part of the game playing hacky sack. So the Lambs and Dolts were happy to be playing in a bigger venue with a larger crowd that will actually watch the game.

Training Facility for Indianapolis in Krustkarsk, Russia

"It's been great," said Sam Bradford, QB, St. Louis. "The people here have really opened up their arms to us, and they think we are tough." Bradford, who threw for 2,870 yards this season, more than half the yards of Drew Brees, said the cold weather should not affect his passing game. "I seldom complete anything over 5 yards down field, so the cold weather shouldn't be a problem," he said.

The Lambs averaged 12.1 points per game in 2011, the lowest scoring average in the NFL, so the Indianapolis Dolts, who averaged 15.2 points, will have to get creative to find a way to stay out of the end zone or the uprights enough for the Lambs to win.

"It's all going to come down to defense," said A.J. Ebbs, LB, Indianapolis. "And ours is much worse."

Not exactly. The Dolts gave up 26.9 points per game as opposed to the Lambs' 25.4. However, the Dolts did give up over 100 yards more in rushing in 2011, and this game, in the sub-zero weather, will be lost on the ground. "Our linebackers over commit on a regular basis," Ebbs said. "And on that rock-hard cold turf, running backs will get a lot of speed and beat us to the corners regularly. We figure to give up at least 300 yards on the ground in this game. The Lambs will never overcome that."

Look for more updates from Krustkarsk at the Doormat Bowl approaches.

And Then There Were Four

Well, guess what? Only one fancy pants team with a lousy defense is left in the quest for the Reverse Moldy Carpet trophy, which I have been told is called the Super Bowl Trophy. Something like that. It's hard to see the writing when you are down in the basement and the trophy is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay way up there on that shelf in the nice room with all the shiny stuff. We're not allowed in there.

This weekend's games was the classic reminder that hard tough defense, error-free offense and turnovers carry the day in the playoffs. The Niners set that tone at their 3 yard line with The Hit of the weekend, Donte Whitner knocking out Pierre Thomas, and knocking out the ball, stopping the Saints cold on their first drive. The wisdom was the Niners couldn't score more than 27. Alex Smith and Vernon Davis clearly had another plan. Not bad for having been in the 10 Club just last year.

Doormat Legacy: Niners still kept it under 20 first downs, punted 8 times, poor 3rd down conversion (wow are they terrible there, 3rd and 7 is like 3rd and a MILE), and Alex Smith still does not have a 300-yard game in his career (299 on Saturday). So some solid Doormat tendencies still hanging around. But ZERO turnovers.

The Giants, what can you say? After losing to the 49ers on Nov 13th and then losing three more in a row, the Giants win 5 of the last 6 and look like their old selves in the playoffs. Kicking, scratching, biting, and flinging the bomb. Watch out. Eli Manning and the Hail Mary. Wow.

The Patriots look like the offensive machine we have come to expect every year for the last 10+, and they got to play the absolute worst team in the playoffs, the Buncos, who thank goodness finished 9-9, and preserve some sort of Doormat Cred. Their defense looked great against the Bunks, but perhaps that was just because someone finally did a little research about how you defense the option, and why nobody runs it in the NFL (fast and smart linebackers, anyone?).

And, finally, the Baltimore Ravens, the team with the killer defense, and a stench-defying offense! Tom Brady better hope he doesn't end up on a gurney by halftime. The Ravens got a Doormat Gold 11 first downs, 227 total yards, 9 punts, and WON the stinking game yesterday, because the Texans gifted them two touchdowns and basically coughed the ball up whenever they were in danger of mounting a threat. Rookie quarterbacks and the playoffs really don't mix once you hit the second round.

OKAY, on to the matchups!

If you've spent any time watching football for the last 30 years, you know that a Niners-Giants matchup in the playoffs is something to put on extra padding for. Some of the most brutal contests are these two in the playoffs. Joe Montana got hit so hard once by Giant DE Leonard Marshall, breaking his hand and cracking some ribs, that he said "I thought I was gonna die." The worst beating the 49ers ever had in the playoffs was the 49-3 shellacking at the hands of the Giants back in 1989. The 49er faithful haven't forgotten, and neither have the Giants fans forgotten the galling 39-38 loss back in 2003. The playoff record between these two is 4-3 49ers. Wanna read up on a crusher? 1991, 15-13 Giants win in the NFC Championship (see Montana quote above).

OKAY, the game: The 49ers get a home game, but it's against a team that is going to give them a far tougher fight than the Packers were going to. The Giants defense is ranked lower (25th) than the Patriots (15), but ignore that.

What not to ignore is that Green Bay dropped a lot of wide-open passes yesterday. The Giants secondary is so-so, unless they come up with INTs. Alex Smith doesn't throw interceptions...he throws it away (hence the crummy 3rd down conv. percentage). So, Niners aren't going to go nuts, but they will have some chances in the air. Giants defend the run decently, and Frank Gore, though he got in a big run and made some big catches late in the game Saturday, is running on tired legs (he does a lot of pass blocking). Watch for some trick plays with Ted Ginn Jr., if he is healthy, and making Gore an outlet option a tad more. Giants will triple team Vernon Davis, and so Michael Crabtree is going to have to go up and get a few. Best chance for INTs is to get your hands up and deflect Smith's passes, as he is a tad short and throws flat on short passes.

Giants have zero running game, worst in the league, and it should get nowhere on Sunday, putting Eli Manning in the 49er pass rush target sights. Serious trouble for NY. Anytime Manning puts on a helmet and hits the field, I give them a chance. He comes up big in the big games.

The weather forecast is for rain and a swamp of a field, as only a below sea-level field just a parking lot from the water can produce. I really think both teams are going to have an extremely hard time scoring at all, and it's going to come down to a long field goal as time expires. 49er kicker David Akers set the record for most field goals ever this year and hit on 7 of 9 from over 50 yards, which is kind of obscene.

Giants K Lawrence Tynes is no slouch, but hit on only 1 of 3 from over 50.

Pick: 49ers by 1

The team that gets no respect (supposedly) against the team that always looks like they are just going to march into the Super Bowl and win, but, in fact, don't. But 3 out of 4 times in 10 years ain't bad. I mean, the Cleveland Browns haven't done that. Just sayin'. Have another bowl of Chomps (special Super Bowl flavor- "Bitter").

The GAME: Do the Ravens have a weakness on defense? If anyone is going to find it, Tom Brady will. Once again, the Pats are another playoff team with not much of a running game, and against the Ravens, that's trouble.

The Ravens have a running game, definitely, and the Pats are not tough on the run. If the Ravens can get an early lead, they could grind it out and pull out a win. If Brady can find some time to throw, and they make a good game plan, and snag a couple of early turnovers, Ravens go home. The Ravens have already played the toughest AFC defense in the playoffs (Texans), so they will move the ball. The Pats are surprisingly good at stopping teams from scoring, when they have to.

The Ravens have played exactly ONE team, all year, with any kind of a high powered offense, the Chargers. And they lost 34-14. They barely beat the Browns 20-14. Joe Flacco is not Joe Namath, fu manchu mustache or not.

Pick: Pats by 14.

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!

The Long Ball

Football's most hallowed play, the BOMB, is our #1 topic this week.

The Steelers, the top ranked defense in the NFL 2011, had given up exactly 2 passes of 40+ yards all season (league low). Until they met the Broncos. Though the game winning play was not a bomb (but it sure went for 82 yards), it counts as 40+. After that last long one, the Steelers completed their embarrassment- 4 passes for over 40 yards completed. The Broncos averaged 31.6 yards on each completed pass- all 10 of them. That's nuts.

Since we have a bunch of rocket launchers for playoff teams this year, just who is set up for getting burned? The Packers, Patriots, Saints and Giants are the 4 worst pass defenses in the league.

Giving up the Big One 40+ Yards

New Orleans - 14 (led league)

Broncos- 13

San Francisco- 12

Packers- 10

Patriots- 9

Ravens- 8

Giants- 7

Texans -6

Giving up the Pretty Big One- 20+ Yards

Patriots- 79

Packers- 71

Giants- 60

Saints- 49

49ers- 48

Broncos- 46

Ravens- 46

Texans- 45

OFFENSE: completions of 40+ made

Giants- 18

Packers- 16

Patriots- 14

Saints- 11

Texans- 11 (but no Matt Schaub, right?)

Broncos- 8

Ravens- 7

49ers- 6

It's BOMBS AWAY in this league.

Looks like a wild game in New England on Saturday. Saints-49ers should be exciting, with Brees getting the big one multiple times (unless Aldon Smith goes sack happy), Green Bay- Giants should be a festival of frozen spheroids hurtling in the air, and Baltimore-Houston should be about 6-3 and the most boring playoff game of 2011. Maybe the last 10 years.

As Walkfish pointed out yesterday, no team with a lower than 8th ranking in defense has ever won the Super Bowl (2006 Colts). If we use that as the yardstick...

Best to worst D in the playoffs, and their season rank

Texans (2)

Ravens (3)

49ers (4)

Broncos (20)

Saints (24)

Giants (27)

Patriots (31)

Packers (32)

Lots of teams with suspect D have reached the Super Bowl, but they don't win it. Looks bad for the Pack, Pats, Giants, Saints and Broncos. 49ers have trouble scoring, and the object of the game is to score more than the other team. Texans need small miracle, with their 14th string QB, to get by the Ravens, so....just going by the stats...

Super Bowl

Ravens- Saints

(Packers have no running game at all, I'm sorry)

Ravens win.

However, this may be the year that stat (nobody below 8th D ever won) gets blown up.

Tee Up the Ball!!

DOORMAT VICTORY!

Denver Broncos 29, Pittsburgh Steelers 23

They may have ended up 8-8, but we still consider them part of the family. And, like last year's Doormat Playoff representative, the Seahags, the Denver Bunco-Donky-Bunks do it again!!

The heavily favored Steelers have to travel to the division winner of the worst division in the NFL (that's not REALLY true, but the records are the worst), and get knocked off by a team that people keep insisting is really terrible.

I'm not going to go all Tebowing on you guys, because these are the guys that ruined my chance at the Moldy Carpet Fantasy League trophy, but that was one of the more unusual paths to victory I've seen in a while.

Give coach John Fox credit for coming up with a crafty game plan- the Pittsburgh defense was totally deked about 10 times. When you have receivers AVERAGING 50 yards per reception, somebody is getting faked out of their jockstrap. An entire defense is out of position. I've never seen a team more convinced, like the Steelers were, that the Broncos weren't really going to pass the ball. I have never seen a team overload the line that much, or more eager to commit to a run than today's Steeler defense. Guys- it's just a QB that runs an option. Play a little more conventional defense. Oops!

Sure, the Steelers were banged up. So? What a gameplan- run it, unless you throw the bomb. Those short over the middle passes going for huge gains though....Steeler meltdown.

see you next week for a rumpus in New England.

-Wacko

Doormat Cheerleaders

Do cheerleaders and Doormat teams correlate? Well, maybe. The Brownies don't have any! I guess they are just that bad that not one person was willing to don the Chomps brown bikini and pom-pom for Cleveland.

But Detroit has another take. No official team cheerleaders, but there is a club, "Detroit Pride." (Get it, pride of Lions?).

Here is a sample of the Detroit Pride:

I guess that works since the Lions don't play outdoors. Nice chassis from the Motor City. Is she imported from Detroit too?

And the Lambies?

Here is a sample:

Well, I think the Oracle from the Basement has to give the Pride the edge right now.

And the Dolts?

Here is a sample:

Nice, wholesome lady from Indiana.

The Oracle still gives the edge to Detroit. But, hey, the Oracle is biased.

A full report of Doormats and Cheerleaders will follow the exciting Doormat Bowl between Indianapolis and St. Louis on Feb. 6.

From Doormat to Contender

Every year, all teams are hopeful. I think if the Carolina Panthers had had this cheerleader give them a pep talk before each game, or maybe just strike this pose, they would have run through a wall for her.

And now let's go from DOORMAT TO CONTENDER. 1. After 300 years of losing, the first step to becoming a contender is to beat all those teams you used to hang out with. You let them know you’ve moved to a new neighborhood. Next you actually rise up and clock teams that have winning records, and put that seed of doubt in their minds about the playoffs, should they see you again.

Which of our new playoff teams have done this?

Detroit Lions (10-6)

First appearance in playoffs since 1999

Beat Doormats? Yes. Vikings (2), Bucs, Panthers, Cheaps

Beat Winners? NO.

Other victories: 8-8 Club- Bears, Raiders, Chargers, Broncos, Cowboys. All 8-8.

LOSSES: Saints, Packers (2), 49ers, Falcons, Bears. Basically, every playoff team and the Bears would have been one if Jay Cutler stays healthy (but would have counts for nothing in the NFL..or anywhere else).

Sayonara, Lions.

Denver Donky Bunco Bunks (8-8)

Sorry I just can’t help it.

First appearance in playoffs since 2005 (these guys are the 8-8 kings)

Beat Doormats? Yes. Cheaps, Chargers, Dolphins, Vikings.

Beat Winners? Yes. Bengals (it counts!)

Other Victories: 8-8 club: Jets, Chargers, Bears, Raiders.

Losses: Bills, Cheaps, Lions, Chargers, Packers, Titans, Raiders. That’s losing to a wide variety of teams.

Doesn’t look good. Need Miracle.

Cincinnati Bengals (9-7)

Last Playoff appearance: 2009 (won AFC North)

Beat Doormats? YES. Browns (2), Colts, Jaguars, Seahawks, Lambs, Bills.

Beat Winners? YES. Titans

Other Victories: 8-8 club- Cardinals

LOSSES: Broncos, 49ers, Ravens (2), Steelers (2), Texans

They lost by 1 point to the Texans. 1. They have a solid chance to win this time.

San Francisco 49ers (13-3)

Last playoff appearance: 2002

Beat Doormats? YES. Seahawks (2), Bucs, Browns, Redskins, Lambs (2)

Beat Winners? YES. Giants, Lions, Steelers, Bengals (ok, admittedly, these are 2 ex-doormats, but that’s crucial to establishing who belongs in the new neighborhood.)

Other Victories: 8-8 club: Eagles, Cardinals

Losses: Cowboys, Ravens, Cardinals

These guys belong in the new neighborhood. Still going to have rough time against Saints, if Saints beat Lions. If Lions win, then it is Giants-Falcons winner.