NFL DOORMAT WEEK 9 PREVIEW

Could it really be Week 9 already?  We're almost out of the 35 pound bag of chips from Costco, so I guess so.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS (WEEK EIGHT)
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-6               133       223      -90       

Atlanta            2-6               192       221      -29

St. Louis         2-5               136       210      -74 

Minnesota       3-5               139      173       -34

Chicago          3-5               180      222       -42  

Washington    3-5                171      200      -29

AFC                              

Oakland          0-7                105      181     - 76

Jacksonville    1-7                118      218      -100

NY Jets           1-6                144      228      -84

Tennessee       2-6                137      202      -65

Texans            4-4                185      166      +19

I've been letting Walkfish do the predictions, but this week we need some set-up:

WASHINGTON (3-5) at MINNESOTA (3-5)
The Yikes absorbed a win at the hands of the Bucs last week, and this week another Skidrow denizen hoves into view at TCF Bank stadium in Minneapolis.  In another battle of 3rd string QBs (though at this point 3rd string means 'starter' in Viking lore), somebody will have the dreaded two-game winning streak, unless they can eke out a tie.  There is a slight chance RGB III-P-O may play OR add another initial to his name.

The Deadskins will continue the all-out blitz technique, Terry Bridgewater will not know what hit him, and the Yikes will get back on the losing end of things.  I'm going out on a limb, because the 'Skins got the big upset last week, and Doormats almost always lose BIG the week after an upset.
EDGE TO LOSE:  VIKINGS

OAKLAND (0-7)  at SEATTLE (4-3)
The Seahawks may not be last year's team, but neither are the Silver and Blacked Out.  Raiders in a walk.  Literally.  Don't get too excited, though, 13 straight losses is only half-way to the all-time record.
EDGE TO LOSE:  RAIDERS

TAMPA BAY (1-6) at CLEVELAND (4-3)
Yes, that's right children, it's mid-season and the Blank Helmets have a winning record.  Of course, playing Doormat leaders in the NFC and now the AFC isn't helping.  As bad as the Brownies are still capable of playing, they are no match for the depth of planning that the Bucs will bring to this one.
The Bucs will punt the Browns blind.
EDGE TO LOSE:  BUCS

NY JETS (1-7) at KANSAS CITY (4-3)
The Nyets took it to another level last week, and probably won't be able to be that bad, but they still have more of a lot less than the Chiefs have, who have too much of what the Jets do not have, which is football players.  Jets within one game of the Raiders, on a seven-game losing jag.  This is no time to slip up.
EDGE TO LOSE:  JETS

JACKSONVILLE (1-7) at CINCINNATI (4-2-1)
The Gags keep fielding some decent play at the line of scrimmage, with the line play on both sides of the ball improving every week. Go beyond those lines and it's Doormat supreme. The Gags hit the -100 point differential last week, the first team to do it. The Bungles can play down to anybody, so this goes blowout only if the Jags take the bull by the horns of the dilemma and go in there and blow the whole thing themselves. They did last week.
EDGE to LOSE:  JAGUARS

ST. LOUIS (2-5) at SAN FRANCISCO (4-3)
Who will show up for this game?  The thrill-seeking upset-minded Davids, or the machine-like precision loser Lambs?  Hard to say when these old rivals meet, even though many San Franciscans now know that the Lambs are no longer in Los Angeles.  But the talking heads keep telling us this is a rivalry, so it's hard to know how to take this game.  The Lambs will take it- right on the chin.
EDGE to LOSE:   RAMS

THE NFC SOUTH vs ANYBODY
Not a single team in the NFC South has a winning record.  The Division 'leaders,'  New Orleans (3-4) and Carolina (3-4-1), face off tonight in yet another Thursday Night Doormat Applicant Game.  Keep an eye on this division- it's only mid-season, but I see potential for a division winner with a losing record.

Tennessee, Atlanta and Chicago all have the week off.  The Falcons will need the extra week to prepare for the Buccaneers if they want to have any hope of losing that one and getting into first in the Doormat NFC.

-wacko

World Series Was Great Now Let's Watch Some Bad Football NFL Predictions Week 9

As Halloween approaches, the ghost of Al Davis visits his son, rattling the chains of his tragic devotion to blacked out games, and predicts that little Davis will be visited on Halloween by three ghosts: Super Bowl Past, Super Bowl Present, and Super Bowl Future. More to come...

But in the meantime, the magic turkey, now a little thawed as I spent most of the evening watching the best World Series pitching performance ever, spins on the basement floor, pointing to the Oracle's predictions for NFL Doormats Week 9:

St. Louis: 10
San Francisco: 17

Jacksonville: 3
Cincinnati: 27

Tampa Bay: 14
Cleveland: 16

NY Jest: 28
Kansas City: 18

San Diego: 10
Miami: 17

Washington: (RG Rises from the Dead for Halloween) 10
Minnesota: 21

Oakland: 0
Seattle: 53

Gentlemen, eat some Halloween Candy, down some Orange Cocktails, crack a few Schaefers, and make your predictions!

Doormat Quarterbacks: Blanda But Satisfying

Fitting for the week of Halloween, a dead quarterback--Colt McCoy--rose from the Doormat Memorial Gardens, Crematorium, and Cemetery and staggered into the stadium where- like two-ply toilet tissue fluttering in the trees--the voices of long-dead native Americans groaned as the Redskins took the field against an overconfident Dallas Cowboys. It was Cowboys and Injuns for over 60 minutes of horrific defense, tortured offense, and gruesome quarterbacking. Like any good horror film, everyone made the worst possible decision at every opportunity. "No, don't throw the ball now, not now! Ahhhhhhh!"

In the end, the Redskins got their revenge.

It was Doormat glory, and speaking of glory and bad quarterbacking, here are some interesting facts from the Doormat Hall of Blame:

George Blanda holds a record that might never be beaten, even in this modern era of quarterbacks throwing 30-40-50 passes a game. The all-time leader for most interceptions in one season goes to George, who tossed 42 interceptions while guiding the Houston Oilers to a-- wait a minute, could it be true?--an 11-3 season. Wow. Though Houston was one of the worst teams of all time in 1964-65, they nearly won the AFC in 1962, dropping the final playoff game to the Dallas Texans. Hm, the Toxins? Another Halloween tidbit there. So they are a "reanimated" team as well. The Oilers set a record for fumbles and turnovers that year. How did they do it? Because they had a winner-George.

Winner or loser, we have to recognize a true great, George Blanda. Probably the only short relief quarterback in NFL history, and one of the best and worst of all time.

So how does he stack up to Peyton Manning?

                                    Manning     Blanda
Total Yrds Passing      8704           4007
Completions                5706            1911
Percentage                     65.6%       47.7%
Interceptions                 222             277
Int. %                              2.6              6.9

But I would pay double to see George play in his prime over Manning.

Look at that form...

Hey, check out the dust, now that's football...

The Year of the 3rd String QB goes Prime Time

REDSKINS 20,  COWBOYS 17 (OT)

In a game marred by flashes of competence, yet another 3rd string quarterback took the field in the Doormat Division tonight, with Redskin QB Colt McCoy prepared to short-arm passes and fling wounded ducks wherever required.  The Cowboys, however, had other ideas.  Refusing to take a commanding lead, they shrug off the Deadskin strategy and deploy multiple fumbles and nurse a meager lead into a deficit by the third quarter, 10-7, including getting Tony Romo out of the game with a bruised back (the Redskins must have lined up in all-out blitz mode on almost every play).

With the score tied at 17-17, the Redskinks engineer a reverse drive from the Cowboy 37 with 3:03 to go, pulling off a penalty and a sack to stay safely out of field goal range.  They punt, pinning the Cowboys at their own 3.  On consecutive plays the Redskins refuse to recover a GIFT fumble at the 3, and then an interception right through a defensive back's hands, narrowly avoiding absurdly close field goal position.  Neither team can secure the loss, so it goes to overtime.

The 'Skins (can we call them the Hides?) win the coin toss, with an oddly unsure referee on mic sounding like he'd never done a coin toss.  Anybody catch that?  At this point, McCoy realizes he's achieved competence in the game, and decides at least ONE Doormat team deserves an upset this week, and we agree- especially when the Cowpies are involved.  Colt rips his team down the field and they rifle a field goal through the uprights and escape Dallas, the classiest armpit in America, with a victory.

Hats off to the Natives!

-wacko

WEEK 8 WRAP UP, PIROUETTE, LEAP AND SWAN DIVE INTO THE TRASH

Hot Turnover party in NYC!  Doormat Glory AGAIN in London!  Winless Raiders mow down another opponent!  Overtime piracy in Tampa! And SOMEBODY won in Kansas City last night.

TURNOVER GODS

JETS 23, BUFFALO 43
The Nyets, no strangers to making history, did their part to tie the record for most turnovers in a game (12, both teams), racking up 6 (4 INTs and 2 fumbles) and ripping this loss away from the Bills in a blaze of tag-team QB blundering not seen since the Raiders threw Carson Palmer out there with no practice right after trading for him 2 years ago.  The Bills, however, had not read our article on turnover records, and failed to record a single turnover.  As bad as Geno Smith may be, and I think he may be more really bad than just bad, Michael Vick stepped in where Geno left off and showed that youngster how a rusty back-up can cough it up with style.  Smith went for 3 interceptions, but Vick mixed it up with 1 INT and four fumbles, losing two (he needs to fumble farther away from teammates).

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK EIGHT
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-6               133       223      -90

Washington    2-5                151      183      -32        

Atlanta            2-6               192       221      -29

St. Louis         2-5               136       210      -74

Minnesota       3-5               139      173       -34

Chicago          3-5               180      222       -42  

AFC                              

Oakland          0-7                105      181     - 76

Jacksonville    1-7                118      218      -100

NY Jets           1-6                144      228      -84

Tennessee       2-6                137      202      -65

Texans            4-4                185      166      +19

DOORMAT PUNT-ATHON OF THE WEEK

BUCS 13,  VIKINGS 19  (OT)

I guess we just had to be patient.  Teams are really starting to get their leg into it now.  Combining for 15 punts, the Bootineers and Yikings stage an ultra-stiff,  concession stands-bathroom break-staring off into space game that only two NFC Doormat foes could muster, but then pulling out Doormat drama right at end.  Doing absolutely nothing for 3 quarters, except practicing hang-time, the Bucs coast into the 4th quarter down 10-0.  Suddenly, the Yikes drop their defenses and lie down like Uncomfortably Awkward Rob Lowe on a psychiatrist's couch and the Bucs find themselves taking the lead 13-10, with just 2:02 remaining.  But, in a rally that the would make the original 1976 team see bright orange and salute, the Bucs drop their 'prevent' defense so far back that victory gets really hard to see, and with no time on the clock, the Yikings kick a 38-yard field goal, forcing overtime.  

The Bucs don't mess around when their backs are against the wall.  Especially at home.  On the first play from scrimmage in OT, Boots receiver Austin Sefarian-Jenkins grabs a pass and then puts it on the rug for the Vikes, they snag it and go in 27 yards for the score, helpless against the NFC Doormat leaders.  The Bucs march on to glory, and Yikes are left to think about what might have been.

RAIDERS 13, BROWNS 23

Taking their cue from fellow Doormat St. Louis, the Raiders stage a fake field goal on 4th and 12 on their first drive of the game.  However, the Raiders have Matt Schaub in there holding the kick, which he never does, and somehow the Browns kinda noticed this.  Let's just call it a scripted interception.

Still, the two teams staged a field goal and punting snooze after this for three quarters.  Finally, the Raiders go into high gear with multiple fumbles and the Browns have to close out the Brownie Bake Sale for the day and take a victory, like or lump it.  Raiders now 0-7 and travel to Seattle next week. There may be no stopping this team.  13 straight losses.

JAGUARS 13, DOLPHINS 27

Two, not one, TWO pick-sixes for Jags rookie QB Brian Bortles- an 81-yard 'bomb' and a quick 22 yard slant.  The Jags dominated the line of scrimmage, a cause for some concern here in Doormat-land. But, they have overcome that trend this season with barrages of turnovers and failed third downs after well-timed penalties.  No team does a better job of looking like they ought to be winning, but yet nailing down losses in convincing fashion.  What more can this franchise do?  

COMEBACK OF THE WEEK

FALCONS 21, LIONS 22

Has London figured out yet that, should they get an expansion team some day, that they are expected to field the WORST team ever?  Every game there is either a Doormat special, or the unveiling of a team going full implosion?  Yesterday they got both. The Lions, one of the greatest Doormat teams of all time, dug a perfect 21-0 hole for themselves, but were dragged out of it by the 180º Failcons, switching from dynamic winner to bumbling loser nearly every halftime.  What IS their halftime secret?? The Lions really don't have a grip on losing like they used to, but the Falcons have it in their talons and are not letting go...all the way across the Atlantic. Down 21-19 with 4 seconds to go, the Lions miss the winning field goal, but failed to hike the ball before the time clock expired!!  Unable to decline the penalty, the Failcons watch the Lions back up five yards and kicker Matt Prater drills it and 88,532 Londoners have no idea what just happened.  Did we miss tea time?  

TITANS 16, TEXANS 30

The Toxins can't catch a break.  Losers of 3 straight, Houston runs into the Titanics and have no chance.  Titanics roll on.

LAMBS 7, CHIEFS 34

Fresh off the big upset of Seattle, the Lambs get back to work and turn in a workmanlike loss.  8 penalties, sacked 7 times, 13 first downs, 200 total yards, allowing 99 yard kickoff return for a TD right after halftime (always an absolutely beautiful Doormat play), and getting mowed down by the Chiefs running game all day.  Alex Smith posts 100.3 QB rating.  Done and done!

BEARS 23,  PATRIOTS 51

The Patriots scored on their first five possesions....and one of Chicago's.  It was either a TD by Gronkowski or a FG by Gostkowski.  Take your pick.  Owski! But, just to get the game over with, for sure, before halftime, the Da Bares threw in a fumble returned for a TD with :55 seconds on the clock.  38-7 going into the locker room, and can we have the post game spread NOW?

Well, we're at the half-way point, sports fans, in our Doormat Season.  Later this week, our Doormat statistical leaders!!

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

What Makes a Doormat Game a Doormat Game

We love to see a doormat classic. But what really makes it a great game? Of course most of it is grist; the situation, the season, the record, the weather, the emotions, the crowd....all these factor are what makes any game a great game or just another game.

But stats can help. For example, turnovers. There is nothing like a lot of turnovers to make a game truly exciting. And who has the record? See below (the most turnovers in a game include turnovers by both teams):

Most Turnovers, Season
63 San Francisco, 1978 (I think I remember this season) 
58 Chi. Bears, 1947; Pittsburgh, 1950; N.Y. Giants, 1983
57 Green Bay, 1950; Houston, 1962, 1963 (Wow, do I remember this team) ; Pittsburgh, 1965 (I remember this team)

Most Turnovers, Game 12 Detroit vs. Chi. Bears, Nov. 22, 1942; Chi. Cardinals vs. Philadelphia, Sept. 24, 1950; Pittsburgh vs. Philadelphia, Dec. 12, 1965

NFL Week 8 Betting Odds Spread Vegas Predictions Doormats and Weather Balloon

Sorry about that title, but I hear Google indexes the title and lots of people are searching for betting odds on football so I included lots of betting tems, NFL, Week, and I like weather balloons so I included those as well.

Anyway, the frozen turkey is spinning on the basement floor--which is a sticky mess after the exploding beer bottle celebration when the Rams beat the Seahawks--and here are the predictions for Week 8 in the NFL.

Doormat Classic Alert!

Vikings: 12
Buccaneers: 9

Bonafide Doormat Tilts

Jets: 28
Bills: 33

Dolphins: 14
Jaguars: 4

Texans- 36
Titans- 33

Other Doormat Games

Rams- 13
Chiefs- 21

Raiders- 7 (on last drive of the game)
Browns- 13

Redskins- 3
Cowboys- 28

Lions: 28
Falcons: 17
(Wouldn't you know it, I drop the Lions and take the Falcons and they play each other)

The Rest of the Mess

Bears- 17
Patriots- 24

Seahawks- 21
Panthers- 7

Ravens- 31
Bengals- 13

Eagles- 28
Cardinals- 10

Colts- 50
Steelers- 12

Chargers- 28
Broncos- 21

The Oracle has spoken! Gentlemen, make your predictions!

NFL PARITY DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 7

NFL PARITY DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK 7, 2014

(Professional Parity Party of Pretty Even Participants)

CAROLINA      3-3-1
SEATTLE        3-3
KANSAS CITY  3-3
CLEVELAND    3-3
PITTSBURGH   3-3
HOUSTON       3-3
MIAMI             3-3
NY GIANTS     3-4
CHICAGO        3-4
CINCINNATI    3-2-1

DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 7 WRAP-UP AND FAKE PUNT!

ONLY ONE UN-VICTORIOUS TEAM LEFT.  DOORMAT MASTERPIECES ABOUND.

JAGUARS 24,  BLANK HELMETS 6
The Jags....WIN??  The Brownies come storming back into the Basement with a complete turkey. After their big "we're not a Doormat anymore" game against Pittsburgh, Cleveland arrives in Jax in a generous mood.  No running game (69 yards).  13 first downs. Losing the ball TWICE in their own red zone, both times setting up the Jags for  'drives' at the 2-yard line. Jags cash in both times for TDs.  It's not like the Gags weren't in losing form- they punted EIGHT times, threw three interceptions, do almost nothing on offense...and WIN THE GAME!  Actually, the Blank Helmets got the Jags 185 yards rushing.  Jags fall from the bottom-feeding depths of the un-victorious and now have to hope the Raiders somehow, some way win a game.  Gags win for first time in 10 months. They can cross 'get one win' off their bucket list now.

RAIDERS 13, CARDINALS 24
It was a victory of sorts.  The Raydurz held the Cards under 30 points!  3 games in a row of holding opponents under 30.  Let's celebrate!  Plus, they are now the last un-victorious team in the entire NFL.  0-6 and heading into...Cleveland, a Doormat quagmire.  But, since the Silver and Blacked Out really don't have a defense (Cards converted 60% of 3rd downs), the Browns will rebound from their afternoon of the Jaguar juggernaut and bury the Raiders.  Raydurz have now lost 12 in a row.  Longest losing streak in the league.

RAMS 28, SEAHAWKS 26
Lambs pull off best fake punt reception I have ever seen....in fact, I don't know if I've ever seen one before that.  Great 'deke' football play. That was hilarious, and anything that brings out the 'Disbelief' look on Pete Carrol's mug is worth a thousand punts.  Go Lambs.

TITANICS 17,  REDSKINS 19
This was definitely one of those "no YOU take it" games. The Titanics make Washington 3rd-string QB Colt McCoy, who started the 2nd half, look like an all-star as they narrowly escape D.C. with the loss, avoiding the dreaded two game winning streak in the Basement.  Fantastic last-minute defensive collapse gets Deadskins in field goal range for a chip shot with no time remaining.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK SEVEN
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-5               120       204      -84

Washington    2-5                151      183      -32        

Minnesota       2-5               120      160       -40

Atlanta            2-5               171      199       -28

St. Louis         2-4               129       176      -47   

AFC                              

Oakland          0-6                92        158     - 66

Jacksonville    1-6                105      191      -86

NY Jets           1-5                121      185      -64

Tennessee       2-5                121      172      -51

Texans            3-4                155      150      +5

VIKINGS 16,  BILLS 17
Minnesota- your 'bounce back from a defeat' assistant!  4 of 5 Yiking defeats have been 'bounce-back' victories for their opponents.  The Yikes are a confidence-building team! Despite 4 expert turnovers by the Bills, and both teams starting their 3rd string QBs, Yikings QB Terry Bridgewater delivers 2 interceptions and the Vikes just refuse to put away the Bills. Leading 13-10, the Vikes engineer a backward drive from the Bills 7-yard line, narrowly making a FG from the 33. 16-10.  Finally the Yikes defense opened up the shipping lanes for the Bills' last drive and Bills QB Kyle Orton- yes KYLE ORTON- takes Buffalo in for the score, as time expired, unmolested by any Norse gods or men in purple.  11 sacks, 15 penalties, 6 turnovers, 11 punts.  What a day.

BENGALS 0, COLTS 27
Just when I though nobody cared about punts anymore, the Bungles- fresh off their tie game where they missed the winning FG as time expired in OT- boot a franchise record-tying 11!!  8 first downs and 135 total yards! Yes! After starting 3-0, the Bungles have gone into a steep descent, and are hanging around on our patio, now, huddled by the grill.  I better go shoo them off, they still have a winning record.  Lose two more, okay?

FALCONS 7, COLTS 29
I see the Failcons are adding lack of offense to their already hard-won abominable D.  The Flacs are terrible.  Things HAVE NOT changed.  9 games to go to run the table, but they have to play Tampa Bay one more time, so going 2-14 might be tough.   3-13 looks entirely possible.

SAINTS 23, LIONS 24
Do the Saints have what it takes to be a 10-Club member (10 losses on the year)?  These last-second defeats are starting to look pretty professional.  12 penalties for 134 yards!  2-4 AIN'T chopped liver.

TEXANS (4-2)  at STEELERS (3-3)
Right now, there are only FOUR AFC teams with losing records. That's not right. Something's GOTTA GIVE.  The Shower Curtain got it going last week with their embarrassment in Cleveland.  If they can maintain their lack of stamina and focus,  we'll have FIVE losers.

JETS 25,  PATRIOTS 27  (last Thursday)
Jets almost slip up and win, but keep within game of the Raiders for AFC bragging rights.


aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!

Week 7 Preloaded Prophecy NFL Predictions and Flush

The Oracle is finally home from the Dehli (New Dehli)--the temple is a ruin, been gone too long--and I have an armload of bologna and sliced American cheese, a loaf of Wonder Bread a jar of French's yellow mustard, and a bag of Ruffles. The perfect Doormat sandwich meal. I also have a case of Bohemian quarts and bottle of Fat Bastard wine. It's going to be a great Doormat Thursday. And speaking of Doormats, here is who is going to wipe who's feet on whom this week...as we down the Bo and spin a freshly purchased frozen turkey:

Doormat Thursday
Jets- 7
Patriots- 39

This should be a great opportunity to see a championship quality team get back on its feet at the expense of team that can't even find its way from the locker room to the field.


Doormat Faceoffs
Titans- 17
Redskins- 14

Vikings- 10
Bills- 28

The Other Doormats

Seahawks- 50
Rams- 10

Browns- 24
Jaguars- 3

Dolphins- 20
Bears- 13

Cardinals- 17
Oakland- 13

Falcons- 24
Ravens- 28

The Rest of the NFL

Texans- 33
Steelers- 17

Giants- 10
Cowboys- 27

Chiefs- 28
Chargers- 31

Panthers- 14
Packers- 21

Saints- 7
Lions- 17

Bengals- 14
Colts- 20

49ers- 21
Broncos- 28

The Oracle has belched fire of bologna and beer. Gentlemen, make your predictions!

WEEK 6 WRAP-UP and NO CIGAR!!

BROWNS EXIT BASEMENT. STOP.  RAIDERS PLAY LIKE FOOTBALL TEAM, SEND FANS INTO DELIRIUM. STOP. GAGS AND TITANICS PLAY EPIC EPIC EPICAC STRUGGLE. STOP.  BUCS PLAY SO BADLY THAT JAWS DROP AS FAR AWAY AS KAMCHATKA. STOP. JETS MAY BE UNSTOPPABLE. STOP. 

and now, a short except of a song I heard last night, which said it all for our Doormat Brethren here in the Basement:

THE REMINDER SONG
by Shaina Taub
Now preachers and teachers and scholarly brains
Have tried to provide some ways to explain why shit can go so badly
Well I've had a helping or two of the blues
I go back for seconds and thirds cause I choose 

to stomach sorrow gladly
For I have a theory that might sound crass
And to that hypothesis I raise a glass

Here's to the chaos
The sacred mundane
Three cheers for agony
A toast to the pain
Hats off to everything that leaves a scar For reminding me who my friends are.

And with that, on to:

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK SIX
 

NFC             W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-5              120       204      -84

St. Louis         1-3               84        119      -35 

Washington    1-5               132      166      -34        

Minnesota       2-4              104      143       -39

Atlanta           2-4               164      170       -6

         

AFC                              

Jacksonville    0-6               81       185      -104

Oakland         0-5                79       134      - 55

Tennessee      2-4                104     153      -49

NY Jets          1-4               96        158      -62

Miami            2-3               120       124      -4

JAGUARS 14, TITANS 16
The much anticipated epic battle between two Basement Bombers!  The Gags got 27 first downs, but overcame that with a couple well placed turnovers and racking up their own QB for six sacks.  Jags make it close with last minute desperation TD but can't get the on-side kick and whew that was close.  Titanics are close but....no cigar.

BROWNIES 31,  STEELERS 10
In a starkly obvious changing-of-the-guard moment, the Cleveland Browns get our unofficial ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS send off from the basement.  Pulverizing the hated Pittsburgh Steelers, and doing it in commanding fashion, at home, was a moment of glory in Cleveland, and the joy in the stands was off the hook.  They have to get past 8 victories to really, truly exit the basement, so hold on.  But Blank Helmet football has a new meaning in the NFL.  They're gonna blank YOU.

BUCCANEERS 17,  RAVENS 48
This game was over so fast, Bucs fans were still loading their toy cannons in the backyard and it was already 28-0 Ravens.  In a blinding display of Johnny Depp Defense, the Bootineers ensure that Florida has the worst teams in AFC and the NFC for another week.  I'm still disappointed in the lack of punting this year, with 6 being a common high number.  Where are the 8 or 9 punt games?  Boots have some work to do.  Especially since next week is Minnesota and they still have Washington on the schedule, they could slip up and win again.

No it's never gonna, never gonna end, no, no, no 
No it's never gonna, never gonna end, no, no, no 
Not the mis'ry nor the company, my friend
So fill each other's cupAnd never give it up

VIKINGS 3,  LIONS 17Rookie QB Terry Bridgewater throws three laser point interceptions and they punt 7 times. And they're playing outside and it's going to get really really really cold.  This is what I'm talking about.  Thank you, Yikings.

RAIDERS 28, CHARGERS 31New coach Tony Sporano injects some brains and will into the previous hapless Raiders, and they come out swingin'.  The offense looked nothing like it has in the previous 4 losses. However, it's plain the Raider defense would gladly give up 50 points if the offense would just go 3 and out.  I watched this one, and they played valiantly in defeat.  It was an old-fashioned AFL wild one. BENGALS 37,  PANTHERS 37Parity Division miracle.  But, now they can't go 8-8, so it's unclear what this achieves for anybody.
Now they gotta go for ANOTHER tie.

JETS 17, BRONCOS 31

Jets are terrible. And that's why they're gonna be on Thursday Night Doormat this week!!

Cause here's to the hopin' 
When odds are a joke 
Three cheers for foolish dreams 
When everything's broke

Hats off to every 'close, but no cigar' 

Here's to the chaos

The sacred mundane
Three cheers for agony
A toast to the pain
Hats off to everything that leaves a scar For reminding me who my friends are.

Keep reminding me who my friends are


-The Reminder Song
by Shaina Taub

AAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!

The Oracle Returns from the Well

What week is it? Week 6? Wha, whoa, hey, wha hoppin? The last thing I remember is a fight at a cricket match and getting clobbered with the insides of a liter of Russian vodka. Ow, my head hurts. Well, no frozen turkeys around here--it's southern India you know--so I will have to spin this empty bottle of vodka and make some week 6 predictions as the Oracle from the Basement. So far this year the Oracle has a perfect record, 0-0 (have not made any predictions), but judging by this hangover and the underwear on the pillow, the Oracle definitely scored as predicted last night: which was not predicted, which is pretty predictable when you think about. Ah, little Grasshopper, do not think, do, and then do it some more until the do-do is all over and it's time to scoobie-doobie-doo. There are two unvictorious teams, and few surprises, in the Doormat Division, and after week 6 there will still be two unvictorious teams. Too bad they are both in the AFC or we could look forward to two 0-16 teams in the Doormat Bowl this year. And so the bottle spins--and so is everything else, belch--and here are the Oracle's prophesies. Gentlemen, make your predictions. 

Indianapolis- 45
Houston- 10

Jacksonville- 3
Tennessee- 9 (this could be a tough one to lose for Jacksonville. This may be their biggest challenge of the season.)

 Baltimore- 20
Tampa Bay- 17

 Denver- 50
NY Jets (or is that Jests?) 3

 Detroit- 21
Minnesota- 24 (Let the Detroit swan dive begin)

New England- 28
Buffalo- 10 (Sorry, Buff, Pats are going to get back on track)

Carolina- 17
Cinncinati- 20

 Cleveland- 23
Pittsbugh- 21

 Green Bay- 36
Miami- 10

San Diego- 40
Oakland- 0

 Chicago- 14
Atlanta- 18

Dallas- 26
Seattle- 21

Washington- 10
Arizona- 17

NY Giants- 7
Philadelphia- 20

San Francisco- 14
St. Louis- 17 (Yes, Lambs will stun the NFL)

WEEK 5 WRAP-UP: COMING FROM AHEAD!

 Snatching Defeat from the Jaws of Victory    

Teams were coming from ahead all over the NFL yesterday.  We went 6-1 with our picks, earning us  barcalounger #1 in the Basement for the week.  

MARQUEE GAME:

TITANS 28, BROWNS 29  

It wasn't easy.  It took everything they had, including a safety. Up by 25 in the 2nd quarter, the Titanics chip away early, and then go full-landslide in the 4th to give the Brownies their biggest comeback of all time, and only 3 points off the all-time comeback (28 pts by 49ers vs. Saints with some kid named Montana at QB).  The Titanics did what all great Doormats do. They celebrated the victory at halftime, and then went all in for the defeat in the 2nd half, killing off their running game, getting a blocked punt for a safety, and punting as soon as humanly possible whenever they had the ball.  Kudos to Titans coach Ken Whisenhunt for what must have been the greatest Doormat half-time speech of all time. Oh, to have been a fly on the wall in that locker room. And pulling off this kind of collapse against the Brownies, a Doormat great, makes it all the sweeter.  

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 5 

NFC             W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-4              103       156      -53

St. Louis         1-3               84        119      -35 

Washington    1-3               95        109      -14        

Minnesota       2-3              101       126      -25

Chicago          2-3              116       131      -15

         

AFC                              

Jacksonville    0-5               67       169      -102

Oakland         0-4                51       103      - 52

Tennessee      1-4                60       110      -50

NY Jets          1-4               76        96        -20

Kansas City   2-3                119     101      +18

Tampa and Jacksonville solidify their leads in the NFC and AFC.  The Vikings and Cheaps are back in the standings, and the Bears scrape into view with their come-from-ahead loss to Carolina.

THE GAMES:

JAGS 9, STEELERS 17

Not even the crumbling bums from Steel town can lose to the Jags.  ESPN headline: "Steelers D comes up big in win over Jags."  Please. The Gags don't need any help keeping themselves out of the end zone, and really, it's kind of insulting to imply that they do.  Everybody's "D" comes up big against the Jags. 0-5 and smokin' hot, the Jag-ooo-ars get past a tough one and now have to gear up, or down, for next week's massive massive MASSIVE tilt against the host Titanics at LP field (which stands for, we assume, Long Playing, as this next game is going to feel like an eternity).  

LAMBS 28, EAGLES 34

The Lambs pulled a classic: a blocked punt for an Eagles TD on the first possession of the game (at 14:37) and a sack-and-fumble into the end zone for another Eagles TD on the first play of the second half!  That's going to deflate even the most ardent fan in any rumpus room on any given Sunday.

Offsetting this glory is 3rd string QB Austin Davis, who posted a 123 passer rating for the game.  What kind of doormat stat is that?? Up 34-7 in the 3rd, the Eagles take the rest of the game off, and Austin nearly wins the game.  Another rookie who doesn't know any better. 

BUCS 31, SAINTS 37

They were this close.  Down 31-20 early in the 4th quarter, Saints fans began heading to the storage closet for their Ain'ts sacks...but no.  Good luck losing to this year's Bucs.  It was a varied attack. First, the defense started a penalty party, ensuring a long Saints drive for a TD.  31-26.  Then the Bucs dug deep: with a first down at their own 20, Bootineers QB Mike Glennon fumbles to the 2, and then 2 penalties squeezes it to the 1/2 yard-line, and then BOOM Glennon gets sacked for the safety!

31-28.  Great thing about safeties is it avoids having to deal with another possession. Boots punt-off to the Saints, who tie the game with a FG. Overtime. Bucs give Saints free first down (penalty) and they fall down for Saints TD.  Whew.

FALCONS 20, GIANTS 30

Falcons haven't won a game on the road yet (0-3), and this come-from-ahead loss keeps it rolling.

JETS 0, CHARGERS 31

When sportswriters call you 'hapless' you know you are in the driver's seat.  The HAPLESS Jets go 1-12 on 3rd down, pile up 11 first downs, 12 penalties, 3 turnovers, 151 total yards, and, thank you, 8 punts.  That's all the worst stats of the day in one game. 

Tonight:

SEAHAWKS at DEADSKINS 

Seahawks kinda mediocre on the road.  Deadskins pretty bad everywhere. 

Just imagine how fun this game is going to be if the Giants finish off the Nats earlier in the day today.

aaaaAAAAAAAnd That's The View from the BASEMENT!!!!