NFL Doormat Turkeys Named

After spinning a frozen turkey on the Doormat basement floor for the last few years, it occurred to me that we should give a few away as a gesture of thanks to the NFL for providing us with the best in bad football. After all, bad football makes great spectacle, and what else is a spectator looking for? Even Dan Patrick, a Fox Sports NFL pundit, admitted that he watched the Buffalo/Jets game instead of the Baltimore/New Orleans game on Monday because: "It was so bad I couldn't stop watching. I wanted to see just how bad New York could get."

And so--a day late admittedly--we present the Doormat NFL Turkeys of the Year. Now, I am sure we have missed a few here, so please post your suggestions!

1. NFC South. Not much to say here as Wacko already nailed it in the post below: NFC South Replace Doormat Division, Basement Redecorated. This division is definitely the 43 pound turkey you can't fit in the oven. We thought 2010 was a milestone in NFL history with a losing team making the playoffs--Seattle Seahawks--but this year the NFC South has taken the game "Down a Notch," as we like to say around here. That's a compliment, by the way. Wait a sec, the coffee water is boiling.

OK, coffee in hand, here is the second Turkey award.

2. Johnnie Manziel. He may be the Golden Turkey that laid the Goose Egg. He hasn't taken a snap since week 3--and I think he has only had a dozen or so snaps all year--but he still insists on appearing in bad TV commercials, parading around with his own posse, and getting into scuffles in hotel lobbies at 2:30 a.m. the day of a game. But what does he care? He ain't gonna play anyway. He can take a nice nap on the bench. This guy has lots of tools--and I am not going to step into that joke zone--but none of the attitude. My guess is the Browns are already calling this draft choice a brown wedgie and looking for options to flush this guy out of the clubhouse.

3. Roger Goodell. Like a class-act doormat quarterback, Goodell missed at least three open men and chose to toss one into heavy coverage for a pick-6. Insisting they didn't see the tape--though the police say they offered it to the NFL--it finally turns up the day after the casino closes. Did a security person decide it was a well-deserved bonus if he sold it to TMZ? Great TV drama material here, but the reality is, Goodell botched this one and the NFL suffered.

4. RGIII. Or is it the Redskins management? You can't really blame RG for underperforming considering he really had a career-ending injury two years ago. Then they played him while injured because winning a playoff game was worth risking the career of possibly a hall of famer. Now the Skins management are suggesting RG doesn't work hard enough. Turkeys all around here, guys!

5. Drew Brees. Wow, he really looks bad--for Brees--most doormat QBs would be thrilled to have his 2014 stats. But to win your division, you gotta play at the elite level. Wait a minute. Saints are in the NFC South, where you can win playing at any level you choose. So.......if they can squeak in there, and if Brees gets his game on again, and the whole team gets a lift from that, we could see a 6-10 team in the NFC conference championship game. Hey, hope dies hard in the basement.

6. Adrian Petersen. It's all been said.

7. Doug Martin (Tampa Bay RB). After a almost 1,500 yard rookie season in 2012, Martin has underperformed, sinking this year to 193 yrds (2.8 per carry) in week 12.


There are plenty of other turkeys, more than the Salvation Army serves up on Thanksgiving. The 49ers come to mind, but let's give them two more games before sending them a turkey.

Let us know who you think deserves a Turkey Award this year.

NFC SOUTH Replaces Doormat Division, Basement Redecorated

Who needs the Doormat Division when you have the

 NFC South?  

Clearly, Parity has gone too far, as in Paucity, and our own territory is being encroached upon by an actual, real, NFL division.  It isn't parity, NFL execs, if none of the teams can win 2 games in a row against feeble opposition.  At least the Division has the perfect name for this. South, as in- GOIN' SOUTH.  Or GONE SOUTH AGES AGO. 

After tonight's Aints disaster, at home, the entire division has almost no chance of anybody finishing above .500.

Here's the Fantastic Mess

NFC SOUTH

Saints       4 -7

Falcons     4-7

Panthers   3-7-1

Bucs         2-9

The Saints, Falcons, and Panthers will have to win ALL FIVE of their remaining games to reach 9-7 (or 8-7-1), which has as much chance of happening as me buying a Porsche this week...or any week. The Oakland Raiders have a better chance of winning five in a row than this crew.  

You know what?  I don't think any of them are even going to make it to .500. And why should they?  They only have to finish with a better record than one of the other teams.  That's a tall order for all of these guys.  Heck, the Tampa Bay Bucs can still win the division. 

But let's be serious. This means a new all-time low for NFL teams will be reached!!  An entire division more than two games under .500!!!  The Division winner will be 6-10!!!! 

The only team that has even a GHOST of a chance to win 3 of their remaining games are the Saints, and it's not looking very good, after tonight's debacle at the Super-Ooper Dome.  

And we thought 2010 was amazing-  that was nothing.  The Rams and the Seahawks tied at 7-9, and then the Seahags actually won a playoff game.  

Well, there's nothing for it.  We have to let them haul in their own couch, bring their wet-fur pets in here, and put up with these guys.  The next five weeks are gonna be something else. 

-Wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 12: BARONS OF THE BASEMENT

JAGS MAKE THE "10 CLUB", TAKE OVER AFC DOORMAT LEAD!  FALCONS FLYING SO LOW IT'S UNDERGROUND! COME-FROM-AHEAD LOSSES FOR EVERYBODY!  RAIDERS ONLY DOORMAT TEAM TO WIN!

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION 
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay     2-9                207       300      -93 

NY Giants       3-8                233     294       -61

Washington     3-8                217      273      -56   

Carolina          3-7-1             215     300       -85

Minnesota       4-7                202      244      -42

Atlanta            4-7                262     281       -19

AFC                              

Jacksonville    1-10               161      305      -144

Oakland          1-10              176      285      - 109

NY Jets            2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee        2-9                192      293      -101

Houston          5-6                 242     226       +16

QUICK HIT:  With their improbable (but predicted by nearly everyone) victory last Thursday over the Kansas City Chiefs, the Oakland Raiders have lost out on the quest for a perfect season. The Detroit Lions remain the only team to go 0-16, and the Tampa Bay Bucs still the only team to lose 26 straight games.  The Raiders did go 0-16, though it was over the course of 2 seasons.  It had been just slightly over a year since the Silver and Blacked Out won a game.  We here in the Basement watched the whole game, and nobody cheered louder for the beleaguered Raider franchise.  Hurrah for the Bumbling Barons of the Basement!

TONIGHT's NFC SOUTH CRITICAL ENCOUNTER:  Tonight the New Orleans Saints go for 4 straight losses at home (vs. Baltimore), and a share of the NFC South lead at the same time (with Atlanta at 4-7).  If they reach the lofty 4-7, that leaves 5 games to go, and would have to win ALL FIVE to finish with a winning record. If the Saints can blow it at home, the odds of the entire division having losing records are very very good.  The NFC Worst did it with Seattle and St. Louis 'winning' the division at 7-9 in 2010.  This year's crop in the South could easily beat that at 6-8.  History in the making, fans!

THE GAMES

JAGS 3, COLTS 23

Gaguars hold it to 11 first downs, loft 7 punts, INT leader Blake Bortles tosses an interception, and the defense wears down in the second half like it does every game, since the offense does nothing. It's an effective strategy, and the Gags are rewarded with FIRST PLACE in the Doormat AFC, unbelievably edging past the Silver and Blacked Out by the tie-breaker: point differential.  In all their illustrious years in the Basement, the Jags have never won the Doormat, and have never started a season 1-10.  Things are looking up.  Down.  Direction is irrelevant once you get comfortable in the naugahyde recliner in the Basement.  Huge challenge next week against the New York Giants at home.  HUGE. 

JETS vs. BILLS in DETROIT

Setting up Doormat special at the Kat Box is really fitting, don't you think?  Tickets are free! 

After yesterday's Puss-and-Boot-it exhibition in New England, any football game that isn't the Lions may be just the thing.  Jets need to lose to keep Raiders and Gags on the radar.

TITANS 24, EAGLES 43

The Titanics started taking on water on the kickoff- a 107-yard runback for an Eagles TD.  Pow! They never looked back. The Titanics may be down to their 4th-string QB with Mettenberger, but the dude throws for 345 yards and piles up 46 yards in sacks, throws an INT, and still only gets 16 first downs.  He's doing it all!  

Titanics still a healthy 2-9 and hot on the Raiders and Jags tails.

FALCONS 24, BROWNS 26

The Falcons had won two in a row. Not a chance they can intended to keep that up. Not when they are at home and can deflate an entire stadium.  Despite 3 interceptions from Cleveland's Brian Hoyer, it wasn't enough, as the Falcons blow another late lead and get the Browns set up for the game winning field goal as time expired.  Failcons are still only 2 games out of first in the Doormat, and only a 1/2 game out of first in the NFC South.  Living the hi-lo life!  

GIANTS 28, COWBOYS 31

Giants outplay Cowboys, turn in most amazing catch of the season (Beckham's snag of Manning bomb for TD wow), and still lose, giving up the lead with just 1 minute to go.  Whew that was close.  Gnats only 1 game out of first in the Doormat NFC. 

NATIVES 13, 49ers 17

The Santa Clara 49ers keep looking for somebody to lose to, and just can't hook up.  A team that could easily be 4-7 instead of 7-4, the Niners will just have to wait for their defense to catch up in ineffectiveness.  Perhaps next year.  The Deadskins roll on to 3-8 and look like they'll never win another game.  49ers forced to play meaningful game on Thanksgiving vs. the Seahawks.  The indignity.  

VIKINGS 21 PACKERS 24

Scary-close game, Yikings nearly pull out victory, but craftily pass on last-minute on-side kick, even though they were kicking off from the 50-yard line (Packer Penalty on two-Point Pass).  Packers hand off to Eddie Lacy, run out clock and Yikings yank the chance at victory out of their mitts and hand it to the Pack.  Well done and may the roasting of coach Zimmer in Minnesota be set to "char."

BUCCANEERS 13, DA BARES 21

Up against a real test, the Bootineers are shoved into the lead at halftime by Da Bares, 10-0.  How do you lose to a team that gets 12 first downs, punts 9 times, and amasses a whopping 204 yards of offense?  You hand them the ball inside your own 20 multiple times, of course.  2 of the 3 comeback TD drives in the 3rd quarter for Da Bares were 1 play drives, which the Bears, always toying with Doormat excellence, could not overcome. They scored. The Boots add in fumbling the ball after a reception for what would have been 1st and goal and you can nail down the loss without any qualms of conscience.  Nobody can say you didn't do your best. 

LAMBS 24, CHARGERS 27

These two flailing fountains of failure hooked up for 6 turnovers, 17 penalties, two defensive TDs and probably a hilariously entertaining kind of game Doormats should deliver.  Blame it on the shape of the ball. Lambs, as usual, return to losing after one of their giant-killer games.  

Only 5 weeks to go, now, folks!  It's anybody's cellar to claim!

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAIDERS!!!

Doormat Division Week 12: Raideration

Can the Raiders go 0-16?  Will the Bucs and Raiders meet in Doormat Bowl V?  Will this be "Gruden Bowl II"?  Will the 'Curse of Chucky' be lifted?

 Ever since the Raiders lost to Jon Gruden and the Bucs in the Super Bowl 11 years ago, they've been the worst team in the NFL.  It's called the Curse of Chucky.  Gruden was fired as Raiders coach the previous year, the Bucs were calling out the Raiders plays before they ran them, and the Karma was a bitch.  Nothing less than a Doormat Bowl with attendant voodoo is going to change anything. 

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION 
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     2-8               194       279      -85 

NY Giants      3-7                205      263      -58

Washington    3-7                204      256      -52   

Carolina         3-7-1              215     300      -85

Minnesota      4-6                181      220      -39

AFC                              

Oakland          0-10              152      265      - 113

Jacksonville    1-9                158      282      -110

NY Jets           2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee       2-8                168      250      -82

Buffalo           5-5                200      204       -4

 THE GAMES

KC at RAIDERS

Believe it or donut, this is the Raider's most dangerous game, wherein they could end up with a victory.  The Chiefs just won an emotional game vs. the Seahags, it's a short week, and next week they've got Denver. 

This game is it.  The team, as bad as they are, are playing hard.  KC-RAIDER games never have any relation to the standings, even if the current players could care less about the long-storied violent rivalry.  The fans care, and The Black Hole, a night game at Oakland Coliseum, will be rocking.  Turn up Al Davis' eternal flame to high, oh Silver and Blacked Out, your fearless leader is watching from the crypt at the Chapel of the Chimes (an extremely interesting place in Oakland, CA).   

EDGE TO LOSE:  CHIEFS!!!

BUCCANEERS at BEARS

Rainy and about 50º is the game-time weather prediction, so it won't be the meat locker we were hoping for, but the Bucs will still lose this game.  Both teams just won a game, so the violent struggle to be worse than the opponent will be spectacular.  Bucs far more experienced at not having winning streaks.

EDGE TO LOSE:  BUCS

TITANS at EAGLES 

Philly needs to get well on somebody, and the Titanics are in town. That's convenient. 

EDGE TO LOSE:  TITANS

BROWNS at FALCONS

Tough call.  Browns looked so truly back to the Basement last week, that it's hard to deny them another loss.  Falcons have a real quarterback...they just don't have anything else.  Atlanta crowds really know how to bring the apathy.

EDGE TO LOSE:  FALCONS

PACKERS at VIKINGS

The high TODAY will be 18º.  Should be raining and about 39º at game time Sunday, so not the freezer bowl we hoped for.  This will make it really rain footballs.  If the Packers don't win by 30 points, they will win by 40.

EDGE TO LOSE:  VIKINGS

JETS at BUFFALO

Can they find the stadium?  Is there a city under all that snow?  

EDGE TO LOSE:  JETS

RAMS at CHARGERS

Uh-oh.  Chargers gave up playing serious football weeks ago.  The Rams are in real danger of winning two in a row.  So far, they have followed up every big upset with a stinker.  Not this time.  They're losing touch with the Basement.

EDGE TO LOSE:  CHARGERS

JAGUARS at COLTS

It's trounce or be trounced for Indy.  The last four weeks, with alternating Wins and losses:  27-0, 51-34, 40-24, 42-20.   The Gags trot out the interception leader, Blake Bortles, and that's the deal breaker. Indy gets to do the trouncing.

EDGE to LOSE:  JAGUARS

SUNBURNS vs 49ers

The 49ers keep trying to help teams lose.  This time they get it right.  The Redskins employ some wild blitzing schemes, and generally the 49ers front 4 can't even stop a 3-man pass rush.  Give the Skins a pick-six and see what happens.

EDGE TO LOSE:  49ers.

enjoy your weekend with a shovel up in the Northeast.  The rest of us here in Oakland have to build the  Chucky Burning Man Effigy tower.  Al Davis' eternal flame will light it.  See you tonight in the Black Hole.

DOORMAT DIVINITY WRAP-UP WEEK 11. WOW!!!

RAMS KNOCK OFF ANOTHER GOLIATH!  RAIDERS-CHARGERS A THING OF BEAUTY!
GIANTS PULL OUT ALL STOPS TO LOSE TO 49ERS!  THE RACE TIGHTENS UP IN THE NFC DOORMAT! BROWNS ROCKET TO LAST PLACE IN ONE GAME!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     2-8               194       279      -85 

NY Giants      3-7                205      263      -58

Washington    3-7                204      256      -52   

Carolina         3-7-1              215     300      -85

Minnesota      4-6                181      220      -39

AFC                              

Oakland          0-10              152      265      - 113

Jacksonville    1-9                158      282      -110

NY Jets           2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee       2-8                168      250      -82

Buffalo           5-5                200      204       -4

GAME OF THE WEEK

RAIDERS 6, CHARGERS 13

18 punts. Was new hall-of-famer Ray Guy there?  Was that it? This game was a total Doormat stay-in-the-parking lot game.  The Commitment to Excrescence fumbled on the first play from scrimmage, and then the Chargers ran their only play of the game, and scored a touchdown. The game was over at 14:07 of the first quarter.

The Raiders ran 55 plays, but to call them plays might be misleading. The Chargers have defiantly shut down their offense as well, so...this was one of those games where, if you live back east, you tune in and you wonder if everyone is just there for the sunshine. California winter sun, a sort of quiet murmer in the stands, seagulls swirling for hot dog wrappers, the grass looks surrealistically bright green.. and you think-" this can't really be football, right?"   

Doormat teams thrive in these environs. 0-10 and, honestly, I can't imagine anybody getting under the bar against the Silver and Blacked Out. Interim coach Tony Sparano holds the key. If they give beleaguered Raider rookie QB Derek Carr's psyche a rest and let burned out Matt Schaub take the wheel, it could go off the rails and the Raider might win a game. Otherwise, these guys go 0-16.   

REDSKINS 7, BUCCANEERS 27

In a real honest-to-God battle for the NFC basement, America's #1 Offensive Nickname Team (by popular consensus) loses handily to Tampa Bay with a game plan centered on the sinkhole in the pocket- RGB III gets sacked 6 times, throws 2 interceptions, one for a pick-six, and the backfield fumbles the ball 4 times. The Bucs are in trouble- Josh McCown looks like he's figured out how to be a quarterback and that is ominous portent for any doormat team.  Redskins rise to 3-7, a mere scalp-length behind Tampa.  Bucs will have steep challenge to lose next week in Chicago.  Skins have easier road in Santa Clara (SF)- though by no means a gimme.

GIANTS 10, 49ERS 16

Not so fast, Skinsies.  The Giants, hot on the trail at 3-7, losers of 5 straight, turn in a dog pile of a game against a 49er team that wants to lose, but don't have the brains. The Giants are the current Turnover Streak kings, with 26 straight games with a least one turnover. One a game is not very dynamic. Eli Manning steps up with a dizzying display, racking up five INTs, the final one at the goal line with the Gnats poised to take the lead. Last year's INT champ, Manning is suddenly back in the INT Crown race, only 3 behind Blake Bortles (14 to 11).  Added bonus viewing:  Coach Tom Coughlin got to throw the red challenge flag, which nobody does with more steamed irritation.

I'm not sure why the 49ers win games. The defense is obviously very very good, but the offense is designed by a dog-pile, and Colin Kaepernick seems to be kind of a knucklehead. This game was, just to go for the trifecta, a dog-pile of a game.  

PANTHERS 17, FALCONS 19

Who needs the Doormat when we have the NFC South?  The Falcons are in FIRST with a 4-6 record!!! Somebody pinch me. The Bucs, at 2-8, are only TWO games off the pace. Think about it, they LEAD the Doormat NFC and can still win their division.  The Pansies, as usual, play like Doormat pros- really disorganized until the game is out of reach, and then stage a pointless furious comeback.  3-7-1 and only a game from leading the Doormat OR the NFC South!!

VIKINGS 13, DA BARES 21

The Minnesota Vikings, the official Break Your Losing Streak Here team.  They make Jay Cutler look good, and the Yikings avoid the dreaded .500. Yikes can still challenge for the Doormat NFC crown, and next week's home game in what I hope is a white-out blizzard against the buzz-saw Packers should help.

RAMS 22, BRONCOS 7

They did it again. Three stunning upsets- and still just a 4-6 record. The best back-up QB for the last 10 years in the NFL, George Blanda- I mean, Sean Hill, comes in and throws a bomb, the Rams kick five field goals, and the defense once again comes up with a great game plan, locking down Peyton Manning.  WOO-HOO!  Our Doormat Giant Killer.  Yow!

BROWNS 7, TEXANS 23

Frightened by their AFC North division lead, the Browns return to the bad old days and play a stinker at home and fall all the way to last place in one simple game. Take that, fans. A Brownie Bake Sale never smelled so good. 

Only 6 weeks to go, Doormat Denizens- hold onto your ear muffs it's gonna be a wild ride to the Moldy Carpet finish.

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!

Frozen Turkey Saved for Thanksgiving, Oracle Forced to Predict with Coin Toss

First of all, I understand the Redskins name has been declared offensive to crayons resulting in a lawsuit from Crayola Inc. Whatever that means.

So let's flip the old coin here on the sticky-from-Guiness-and-Saki-bombs bar and here are the predicted Doormat results in NFL week Oceans 11.

Buffalo-
Miami-

Wait a minute, this isn't a Doormat game either. What has gone wrong with Thursday Doormat Night Football? They should never have moved it to the NFL network. What a croc. And speaking of crocs, NBC led with a rugby game from Australia last week instead of NFL on Sunday. And--whoa this is scary--there were more soccer matches to watch on TV last Sunday than NFL games (if you leave out NFL Ticket of course). NBC had soccer all day--not NFL--and only Sunday Night Football. The networks are forcing it on us. They must not like the $$$$ deals they are getting from the NFL. Hmmm..will NFL greed kill football and make soccer the dominant sport? That would take a prediction, and all this Oracle has is long neck stout and a coin to flip.

So here goes.....

Denver- 17
St. Louis- 10 (with Denver winning in the last minute)

Minnesota- -4
Chicago- -8 (this is going to be one horrible game)

Houston- 21
Cleveland- 28 (Brownies vault into official non-doormat status)

San Francisco-- 33
New York Giants- 3

Tampa Bay- 10
Washington- 14 (angry bee defense strikes again)

Atlanta- 17
Carolina- 10 (going into a full nose dive)

Oakland- 3
San Diego- 48

Pittsburgh- 26
Tennessee- 9

And that is all this Oracle has to say.

Gentleman, make your predictions!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10 WRAP UP AND DISPOSAL

10 WEEKS IN THE CAN! RAIDERS STILL UN-VICTORIOUS! JACKSONVILLE OWNS LONDON! THE HAPLESS JETS SCREW UP!  BEARS SET FIRST HALF TD RECORD FOR AARON RODGERS! BUCCANEERS NARROWLY ESCAPE, STAY WINLESS AT HOME!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK TEN
 

NFC              W-L              PF       PA      DIFF 

Tampa Bay     1-8               167       272      -105    

St. Louis         3-6               163       251      -88

Chicago          3-6               194       277      -83 

NY Giants      3-6                195      247      -52

Washington    3-6                197      229      -32 

   

AFC                              

Oakland          0-9                146      252      - 106

Jacksonville    1-9                158      282      -110

NY Jets           2-8                174      265      -91

Tennessee       2-7                144      223      -79

Texans            4-5                206      197      +9

Before we proceed to the Wrap-Up, please note that the entire NFC South has a losing record.
New Orleans, after yesterday's loss to the Niners, are in first at 4-5.  Hats off!

WEEK 10 WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL 

WITH A MILLION FLIES WHOOSHING OUT 

WHEN YOU OPEN THE LID

THE HAPLESS JETS 20,  STEELERS 13
What were they thinking?  Who ordered up that prop plane flyover during Jets practice last week with the banner demanding GM John Idzik be fired??  Now look what happened. A team in almost total disarray is brought together, the over-over-over confident Steelers bring their NYC junket hangovers to the Meadowlands, and the Hapless Jets win a...a...I can't say it.

Previously leading the league in give/take turnover ratio (-15), the Hapless Jets are buried under a barrage of turnovers. The Steelers brought a balanced attack of 2 INTs and 2 fumbles, and they never looked back.  If they had, they might have caught one, or noticed a ball on the turf.

Now 2-8, the Nyets need to bring back Geno Smith immediately or run the risk of losing more ground to the Raiders (0-9) for the Doormat AFC lead.  With only 6 games to go, they're two games behind, and...well, they can't wipe wins off the record, so it's pretty hopeless, because:

RAIDERS 17, BRONCOS 41
Amazingly, this is not the Blowout of the Week.  Da Bares brought the Basement Special to Green Bay yesterday.  But don't say the Silver and Blacked Out didn't try.  Nursing a 10-6 lead late in the second quarter, the Raiders throw in the towel (and a toaster plus a rebate), and blaze a trail to halftime, suddenly trailing 20-10 and turning a lusty and loud crowd into a quietly murmuring Sunday flea market.  There wasn't even any booing.  It was so quiet you could hear the quiet rustling of chains, Darth Vader capes, Peyton Manning's hand signals, and Al Davis' 'eternal flame' thinga-ma-jiggy.  Eternal in Oakland.  COASTING along at 0-9,  and sailing into the 4th quarter with only 5 first downs, the Blacked Out looked unstoppable.  They were.

The number of bumbling moments are too numerous to mention, though when you are already down 34-10, can hear the seagulls at the top of the stadium, you throw an interception, then throw a red challenge hanky (interceptor stepped out of bounds) on a play that is automatically reviewed resulting in a loss of a timeout PLUS tossing in an unsportsmanlike penalty for added spice kind of stands out.
However, I wouldn't want to give the impression that it was unusual.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

DA BARES 14, PACKERS 55
It was 42-0 at halftime.  Bears QB Jay Cutler does not play defense (whether he plays offense is up for debate), but if he did Aaron Rodgers might have had 8 TDs before halftime instead of 6.  But Cutler did what he could, which is continuing his mastery of Lambeau field.  4 Games, 12 interceptions!  The Master of Disaster tossed in 2 INTs and a fumble in the first half, and the Packers did the rest- which was scoring so fast I thought that green and yellow blur was the Oregon Ducks- should the Ducks actually WEAR green and yellow someday.

Da Bares improve to 3-6 and their only victories are the Hapless Jets, the Falcons and the Niners (who have played some lulu Doormat games this year).  They're gonna get 10 losses, no problem.

PANTHERS 21, PHILADELPHIA 45
Cam Newton may have the best worst body language of any QB that plays for a team that just cannot pull it together.  He sure knows how to just huck it up for grabs, though! Put it in the air!  It will come down near a human for sure!!

GIANTS 14, SEAHAWKS 38
It was close for a while.  And then it wasn't.  The Gnats finally shoulder their way into the Basement at a respectable 3-6.  Good solid downward spiral. Spirals are good in fooball.

JAGUARS 17, COWBOYS 31
Tony Romo played for the Cowboys, and the Jaguars own London. Game Over. Good luck losing a game against the Gags in Jolly Old England.  At least the Roar cheerleaders were back, losing bits of clothing all over London again.  The cheerleading squad really is more famous than the team.
Jags at 1-9 and still hot on the Raiders trail.

BUCCANEERS 17, FALCONS 27
In a brutal NFC Doormat tilt, with the league lead on the line, the Bootineers prevail again in the 4th quarter.  Atlanta gave up some huge gainers, the Boots slowly wore down, but Atlanta was still hanging around in the 4th quarter, up only 10 points. But Boots QB Josh McCown, filling in for one of hundreds of QBs who have been benched this year (George Blanda? Steve DeBerg?), steps up in the pocket and rockets TWO drive killing interceptions, one in the Atlanta end zone for extra sauce.  As always, when the Boots backs are to the wall, you can't stop them.  Bucs now 1-8, while Atlanta falls to 3-6, and nearly out of contention for the Doormat NFC crown.

RAMS 14, CARDINALS 31
But if you want 4th quarter genius, the Lambs are your team.  Entering the 4th quarter dangerously ahead 14-10, the Rams take advantage of Cardinals QB Carson Palmer's injury, giving up a 48-yard bomb (I get teary-eyed over this, the Rams used to be greatest big-play team) to backup up Drew Stanton.  After this, the Lambs countered with an interception, but the Cards declined to score, and then punted.  Undaunted, the Lambs next move was another interception and this time they made it stick, with the Cards returning it 30 yards for the TD.  On the next possession, the Lambs go 3 and out, but the Cards snag a penalty and hand the Rams a first down and one more chance.  The Lambs don't miss the opportunity, put the ball on the rug and the Cards run it in 18 yards for the score.  21 points in 5 minutes!  Wow!

TITANICS 7,  RAVENS 21
Yesterday's PUNT-A-THON.  Eight for the Titanics, 7 for the Ravens.  Job well done, men.

I like saying "Hapless Jets."

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!