NFL WEEK 17 FINAL: DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!!!

2014 DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!

What a finish yesterday, Doormat fans.  We've got a straight-up tie for the MOLDY CARPET trophy, and looks like we're going to need a DOORMAT BOWL to decide the winner.  If we use our own system of tiebreakers, I guess the Titanics take it with the greater point differential, but I say we send these two teams to another far-flung hinterland to duke it out themselves!

The Tennessee Titanics wrapped up their season yesterday with a no-doubter from kick-off to the last ticks of the clock, while the Tampa Bay Buccaneers saw dangerously built a sizable half time lead, but came through all the same in the end to notch their 14th loss.  Hats off to Bucs coach Lovie Smith and Titanic coach Ken "Whizz" Whisenhunt for presiding over such masterful work.  No parity for THESE guys.  

AFC

TENNESSEE TITANICS (2-14)

NFC

TAMPA BAY BOOTINEERS (2-14)

DOORMAT DIVISION FINAL STANDINGS WEEK 17

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF

x-Tampa Bay    2-14             277      410     -133

Washington      4-12              301      438     -137

Chicago            5-11             319      442     -123

NY Giants        6-10             380      400      -20

Atlanta             6-10              381      417      -36

St Louis            6-10             324      354      -30

AFC             

x-Tennessee     2-14            254       438     -184 

Oakland           3-13            253       452     -199 

Jacksonville     3-13            249       412     -163    

NY Jets            4-12            283       401     -118

Cleveland         7-9              2299     337     -38

Game of the Week:

BUCS 20,  SAINTS 23

I have to assume that the ghost of deceased Bucs owner Malcom Glazer, complete with football helmets linked together in a chain, appeared before the Boots during half-time in the locker room and set them straight on what the point of football present was- to lose the game so that football future would mean the #1 pick in the 2015 NFL draft.  Changed men- or at least reverting to form- the Bucs come out after halftime and cease scoring while guiding the Saints to 16 fourth-quarter points, nailing down the loss.  They threw in a gratuitous safety with a minute to go to put a little frosting on the season.  What a performance.  

CRUCIAL GAMES:

TITANS 10, COLTS 27

The Titans had to lose to win the Doormat AFC outright and have a shot at the Moldy Carpet.  It was no problem- QB Charlie Whitehurst goes 12-18 for 79 yards (50 net), the Sinkers get 9 first downs, they fumble 4 times, and just boy howdy do they know how to lose a game, and lose it quickly.  

GIANTS 26, EAGLES 34

It was close for a while, they racked up 505 yards of offense...but they still lost!  The Giants make it to 10 losses in style, and are in the 10 Club for 2014.  

RAMS 6, THE ANNOYING SEAHAWKS 20

Another great halftime nap takes a 6-0 lead and flips it to 20-6, and the Lambs just make TEN big big losses on the season. Never ever count out the St. Louis Lambs in their quest to stay in the basement.

There is something special, also, about having your last 'scoring' play be a 49-yard pick-six for the opposition.  Savor it.

ATLANTA 3,  CAROLINA 34

 Speaking of special, how about coming into a game and having a shot at either winning your division and hosting a playoff game at 7-9, or finishing up your year with 10 losses and a winter of cheap beer and moldy carpeting in the Basement?  The Falcons had that shot, and they came roaring out of the gate with some of the finest Doormat play money can sign underperforming free agents for!  TWO pick-sixes, TWO.  It was 24-3 by halftime and the season was already over!  Failcons TOPPED the Lambs with their final pick-six- they pulled it off on the last play of the game.  Just WOW.  

This, by the by, sets up the Panthers as the Doormat entry into the playoffs at 7-8-1, and they host the Arizona Cardinals, a team that can't get out of its own way right now.  By God, the Panthers are going to win next week and advance to the 2nd round.  

CLEVELAND 10, BROWNS 20

It looked dicey for a minute there, with a third string QB in there and the Ravens playing like garbage men dancing the Nutcracker. But the Blank Helmets did it- they lost one more time, finishing 7-9 to end a season that saw them in first place at one point, and now dead last in the AFC North. 

RAIDERS 14, BRONCOS 47

The Raiders come within ONE point of having a -200 point differential, an almost un-heard of total even for Doormat teams.  So very very close.  Punter Marquette King clobbers 9 punts, and finishes the year with 109, only 5 shy of the all-time record, held by Punts McFooten of the Chicago Staleys in 1935.  Ok I made that up.

BEARS 9,  VIKINGS 13

They almost froze to death.  It took ONE touchdown to win this game, and the Bears handed it to the Vikes on a bomb from QB Terry Bridgewater for the Yikings.  The Yikes can't cash in and make it to 10 losses on the season.  Better luck next year, team!

FIRED:  Trestman, Ryan, Smith

Roll those head coaching heads!  Chicago sacks Marc Trestman,  the Jets fire Rex Ryan (and general manager John Idzik), and the Falcons ax Mike Smith.   Idzik is possibly the biggest boob of the bunch.

THE 10 CLUB

The 10 CLUB membership requires at least 10 losses on the season. 

The Browns miss the 10 club, ending their streak of 6 straight years.  

Buffalo also missed out (5 straight years) so here we go:

JACKSONVILLE   3-13   (four years in a row)

TAMPA BAY  2-14   (2 years in a row)

WASHINGTON  4-12 (2 years)

OAKLAND  3-13  (2 years)

ATLANTA  6-10  (2 years)

NY Jets  4-12

TENNESSEE 2-14  

NY GIANTS 6-10

ST. LOUIS  6-10

CHICAGO  5-11

OKAY I hear TEN teams knocking on the sliding door of the patio,  with their new membership cards in hand, I gotta stop typing and let them in, and tell them the rules for the Basement.  It's been another great ride this season, folks, I hope you enjoyed it.  We'll be back with some awards for the season later this week.

CHEERS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR from 

 THE BASEMENT!!

The Moldy Carpet- The Final Stench: WEEK 17 Picks

THE 2014 MOLDY CARPET CHAMPIONSHIP TROPHY

Let's have a look at the odds for the gripping gridiron goons who will grapple for the glory of being the absolute, head and shoulders below, Titanically terrible football club that deserves, nay, has earned the coveted Moldy Carpet Trophy.  Get your fungal fury on.

NFC

In the NFC, the Tampa Bay Bootineers have it locked up.  at 2-13, nobody can catch them.

AFC

The Odds-on Favorite

TENNESSEE TITANICS (2-13)

Head coach Ken Whisenhunt has taken a mediocre team and expertly steered them into the ditch.  After his turn with the Cardinals, which was marked by good defense and startlingly stodgy offense (once he got Kurt Warner and that Super Bowl scare out of there), the Titanic front office brought him in to help the Titans also become something more than mediocre. The results have been off the charts.  Losing by an average of 8.3 points last year, the Titanics have upped it to 14.2.  This has been aided by an unending string of special teams gaffes so much worse than other teams that it would be funny if you don't own a really hideous Titans sweatshirt that you can't seem to take off no matter how many hints your friend/girlfriend/wife makes.

There was concern among fans at the beginning of December regarding starting rookie third string QB Zach Mettenbererg, because he might guide the team to a few wins and obscure the fact that Whisenhunt's unimaginative, inflexible offensive schemes have turned the Titans into Doormat leaders, save Whizz's job and lose the first pick in the draft all at the same time.

Here's what really happened, and the future for next year:

1. Whizz will not get fired after one season. Brace yourselves, Titanic fans.
2. Mettenberger got his shoulder ripped up and is out for the year, leaving the duties to Charlie Whitehurst, who has been a Doormat all-star for his 9 years in the league.  Jake Locker, once the franchise QB, is occasionally let out of the dog house or the hospital, depending.  At any rate, the results have been stellar in December- all losses.
3.  The Titans have a pretty darned bad defense, too, and picking Marcus Mariota first may not be what ol' Whizzy has in mind.

Finally, the Titanics have regressed as the season has gone on, a sure sign of top-down trouble.  Also, they only play with efficiency when they are behind by more than 14 points.

Q: If coach Whiz gets really pissed, what are we actually saying?

TITANS vs COLTS
As bad as the Colts can play, with the magnanimous Andrew Luck playing with fire every first half of every game, the Titans have their number.  The Titans have this game in the bag.  If they stay the course, they win the AFC.
EDGE to LOSE:  TITANS

Should the Titans WIN their last game, an almost complete impossibility, here are the remaining contenders:

RAIDERS (3-12) at BRONCOS
The Raiders haven't won on the road yet this year, and they may cover the point spread, but they won't win with the real points.  If the Titans win,  and the Raiders maintain their lead over all other comers in point differential (3 ahead of the Jags today), the Raiders will take the AFC Doormat crown.  Raiders also beat out the Jets, as they lost to them in Week 2.  We are rooting for Raiders to win, as they have not regressed, have actually improved, and are not really putting in good Doormat performances anymore.
EDGE to LOSE:  RRRRRAIDERS

JAGS (3-12)  at HOUSTON
If the Titans win, the Raiders win or lose but keep it close, the Jags have to lose this one, and lose by enough to pass the Raiders in point differential.  The Titans and Jags split their season series, so there are NO head-to-head matches to consider.  The Texans are fighting for their playoff lives, so I can't imagine the Jags coming out with something resembling fire, more like a bic lighter, so ...
EDGE to LOSE:  JAGS

JETS (3-12) at MIAMI
The Fins are eliminated from playoff contention, and may be already heading to the golf course, so the Nyets are in serious, serious jeopardy of winning this game.  However,  I find it hard to believe the Jets will finish a season this miserable with a win. They almost won the stupid game last week, and I think that was their last gasp.  Should they pull out the loss, the Raiders win, Jags win (or the Jets gain -40 points in differential), and the Titans win, the Jets can still win the Moldy Carpet.
EDGE TO LOSE:  JETS

THE REST OF THE GAMES IN THE DOORMAT:

THE 10 CLUB:  LOSING at least 10 games on the season grants you official Doormat status and residence in the Basement for the Winter.  Perks include warm beer and a spot on the duct-tape couch, barcalounger (champion), or the bar.

LAMBS (6-9) at SEATTLE 
As the Seahags are still playing for the NFC West title, look for St. Louis to wrap up the coveted 10th loss.
EDGE to LOSE:  ST. LOUIS

GIANTS (6-9) vs PHILADELPHIA
Once thought to be a gimme, the Gnats could easily win this game, as the Eagles are out of playoff contention, Mark Sanchez has been a Doormat all-star for the Eagles, and it is going to be hard for the Giants to make it to 10.
EDGE TO LOSE:  EAGLES

VIKINGS (6-9)  vs CHICAGO
Another worthy team right on the cusp of 10 losses, the Vikes have almost zero chanced of losing this game.  The dysfunction in Chicago has reached the turbulence level called 'chaos'...but also stasis.   It would be cool if the Bears, already at 5-10, win the game and welcome the Yikings into the Basement, but I just don't see it.  Da Bares are going to lay down and die.
EDGE to LOSE:  BEARS

BROWNS (7-8) at BALTIMORE
It's been a long, hard road, but the Browns can at least make it onto the Patio by the grill for the winter with a loss this weekend.  I think they are man enough, and Blank enough, to do it.
EDGE TO LOSE:  BROWNIES

49ers (7-9) vs  ARIZONA
Very exciting prospect of the Santa Clara Wine-and-Cheese Thugs finishing at 7-9.  Very exciting.  Unfortunately, the Cards have less offense than the Niners now, and are the worst playoff team in the league.  Atlanta could beat these guys now.  They don't have a QB.  They tried to prepare their FOURTH string QB for this game, and gave up.
EDGE to LOSE:  CARDINALS

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!

NFL WEEK 16 WRAP-UP and PLAYOFF MIRAGE

DOORMAT NFC SORTED- BUCS WIN THE NFC! BILLS OUT OF PLAYOFFS 16 YEARS AND COUNTING! BROWNS ARE BACK! NFC SOUTH BATTLE THIS WEEK! MY DOG HAS FLEAS!

PUNTING RECORD for RAIDERS! EXCLAMATION POINT! 

THE BIGGEST  FOOTBALL-LIKE THING TODAY:

BUCS win the DOORMAT NFC 

BUCCANEERS 3, PACKERS 20  

Obviously inspired by last week's Cleveland (Doormat Gods) Browns, the Tampa Bay Bootineers whip out a game of near poetry against the Packers-  6 first downs, 107 total yards (147 yards passing minus 7 sacks for 54 yards, plus 16 yards rushing).  54 yards in sacks means the QB runs backward in the face of the rush. They had more penalty yards- 30- than rushing yards.  That's a LOT of reverse gearing. They left no doubt- thanks to the Deadskins' non-loss to Philadephia- the Boots WIN the Doormat NFC with a week to spare!  In honor of this occasion, the Bucs will be wearing their throwback orange unis next week.  

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF 

x-Tampa Bay    2-13             257      387     -130

Washington     4-11              284      394     -110

Chicago          5-10              310      429     -119

NY Giants        6-9               354      366      -12

New Orleans    6-9               378      404      -26

AFC             

Tennessee        2-13            231       390    -159 

Oakland           3-12            213       381     -168 

Jacksonville     3-12            211       376     -165    

NY Jets            3-12            230       360     -130

Cleveland        7-8              276       300     -24

REDSKINKS/SUNBURNS/NATIVES 27, EAGLES 24

Benching your once-franchise quarterback for 3 weeks with a totally mediocre QB, and then putting your QB back in is not a formula for success in the Doormat- especially when Mark Sanchez is under rump for the opposition. RGB-three-p-o returns and torches the Eagles, while Sanchez continues his blaze of 14 turnovers in 7 games, and those aren't wasted turnovers, folks. Those are on-the-money game-killing turnovers. The result is the Deadskins lose out on their chance at being the worst team in the NFC, something they haven't done since...oh, that's right, LAST YEAR.

AFC LOGJAM

Despite the Tennessee Titans move into sole possession of the AFC Division in the Doormat, the Jets, Jags and Raiders still have a shot at the Moldy Carpet, and we're holding our breath until the full force of the bong hit lands in our- I mean UNTIL next week when all will be revealed...like smoke clearing from a hacking exhale.

RAIDERS 26, BUFFALO 24 

It is only fitting that the team with the second-longest playoff drought knocks the team with the longest playoff drought out of playoff contention. 16 years and counting for the the Nils, and the Raiders, of course, make it 13.*  The Silver and Blacked Out have won their last 3 home games, and who wouldn't with that crazed crowd bellerin' at the top of their lungs through 30,000 Halloween costumes and decidedly working class fervor. What a scene. The Raiders should not move. Raider QB Derek Carr looks like the real deal, and, despite still being in contention to win the Moldy Carpet, this team is playing with a lot of fire- when at home- and aren't behaving like a dysfunctional football team. They need to win next week at Denver (maybe they'll rest Peyton) and give a more deserving doormat a shot at the Moldy Carpet. Special note:  Raider punter Marquette King has 100 punts, the Raider record. He'll need 14 more to tie the NFL record, which is imposs-  let's just see what happens next week.

*see our previous post for longest playoff droughts.  None of the teams on the list will make the playoffs this year.

JAGS 21, TITANS 13

The Jags can't stay with the Titans, and they know it.  They'd probably clobber the Bucs, as well.  The London Jaguars can still win it, though, as these teams have split their season series, and the tie-breaker is point differential.  Titans play the Colts next week- Colts tend to clobber bad teams and lose huge to good teams (see yesterday), and the Jags travel to Houston, who only need to win and the entire league to lose next week in order to make the playoffs.

BROWNS 13, CAROLINA 17

The Panthers, led by mostly disassembled Cam Newton, shove the Blank Helmets into the Basement, and we're LOVING it.  Was it only 7 weeks ago the Brownies were 6-3, had just defeated the Bengals and were living large at the top of the AFC North-Central-Mid-muckluck?  It was!  They've gone 1-5 since, slowly dismantling into dysfunction and next week at Baltimore should wrap up this disaster of a season at 7-9. We make room on the orange couch for this grand Patriarch, who can regale the rest of the acolytes in the Basement for the whole winter.  Cozy up to our crummy space heater, Brownie fans- next year Johnny Party-Down will be leading the Blank-ness into the blizzard. Chew on that dog bone, Dawg Pound.

JETS 16, PATRIOTS 17

The Nyets made it close, and that's close enough. Rex Ryan should be fired- I mean, just because he's never had a good QB in his entire coaching career should not factor into this. Now that the Raiders have found a QB (which they had not done through the draft since the 19th century), it's the Jets that lead the way with disastrous draft choices at the position. Next week's loss: at Miami. Good God, they might win that game- you can bet all of New York is rooting for the faceplant and a shot at Marcus Mariota...who kinda fits their model for draft choices, though a better version. Scary pick for the Jets.

DA BARES 14, DETROIT 21

Chicago at least ties with Cleveland for best 2nd half of season tank job, and wins for team dysfunction. The leaked coaching staff comments about QB Jay Cutler are the tip of the iceberg.  They can only finish 5-11, but considering they were 3-3 at one point, I say Job Well Done!

VIKINGS 35, MIAMI 37

4th down.  Just over a minute to go.  Tie game.  You have to punt from your own end zone.  How about just hiking the ball in the dirt, and the punter gets the boot blocked out of the end zone for a safety?  Game over!  The Yikes may be a disappointment here in the basement, but they can still make the 10 Club with a loss..but here come Da Bares to what I hope is just a total freezer of a game at the Golden Gopher Hole. Yikes will have to go all out to lose that one.  I kinda doubt it.  

KANSAS CITY 12, PITTSBURGH 20

Ok, the Cheaps still have a winning record, but Alex Smith STILL hasn't thrown a TD pass to a wide receiver all season.  And they just look like the most boring team on earth. 

49-WHINERS 35, CHARGERS 38 (OT)

Exploding out to a 28-7 first half lead, the Kings of the 2nd Half Collapse do their biggest stinker of the year, and the Chargers are alive in the playoff hunt.  Man, those halftime sessions have just got to be the best Doormat speeches ever devised by people pretending to be people, and delivering a message of platitudinous tune-out to people they almost think of as people.

RAH RAH RAH BLAH BLAH!!

Also, 49ers win, by a humongous margin, for worst expensive seat fans.  They call it the Red Hole, because there is nobody there, and it is at the 50 yard line on both sides of the field, and they're all underground in the lounge, sitting on plush seats and discussing stock margins and feeding on the little people.  What a dump.

NFC SOUTH

Carolina vs. Atlanta for all the marbles this week.  7-8-1 or 7-9, win a Division and host a playoff game.  Doormat Glory!   

ONE MORE WEEK TO GO TO THE FINISH LINE FOR THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET!!!

aaaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!  

The Other Kind of Doormat: PLAYOFF DROUGHT

Now that the Jaguars have yet again blown their chances to win the Doormat Division (and get the #1 pick), let's talk about the futility that really eats at fans:  Not getting into the playoffs and not winning a playoff game. And since we're getting really close to the playoffs, what better time to remind ourselves just how long it's been since those bums got to the dance.

HERE they are, unvarnished, two lists-  Longest Playoff Drought and Longest Playoff Victory Drought

1. LONGEST PLAYOFF DROUGHT

1. BUFFALO BILLS  - 15  seasons  (can still make playoffs)
2. OAKLAND RAIDERS-  12
3. CLEVELAND BROWNS- 11 (can still make playoffs, but very very slim chance)
4.  ST. LOUIS RAMS- 10
5.  JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS- 7
6. TAMPA BAY BUCS- 7
7. TENNESSEE TITANS- 6
8.  MIAMI DOLPHINS- 5   (in playoff hunt)
9.  DALLAS COWBOYS- 4  (in playoff hunt)
10.  NEW YORK JETS- 4

15 seasons is a really long time.  However 23 seasons without a playoff victory is even more painful.

2. LONGEST PLAYOFF VICTORY DROUGHT

1.  CINCINNATI BENGALS-  23 seasons, including the last 3 years 1st round elimination
2.  DETROIT LIONS -  22 (lost 1st round last year)
3.  KANSAS CITY- 20  (Joe Montana was at QB last time they won one).
4.  BUFFALO BILLS- 18
5.  CLEVELAND BROWNS- 16
6.  MIAMI DOLPHINS- 13
7.  OAKLAND RAIDERS- 12
8.  TAMPA BAY BUCS-  12  (the 'Revenge of Chucky' has worked both ways)
9.  TENNESSEE TITANS- 11
10.  ST. LOUIS RAMS- 10

All five top teams in this list have a shot to make the playoffs, though nobody gives the Bengals a snowball's chance in hell of winning a playoff game, that's how bad their current, and longtime, reputation is.  And the Lions aren't being given a shot either.  However, I like the Lion's chances if they win out and have a BYE and then host a game.

The Lions (Kittens) are not really, truly off the Doormat Snide until they win a playoff game, and they and their fans know it.  The Chiefs look like a team that can't win against anybody with a winning record, and the Bills you have no idea. If they make the playoffs, they just might stumble into a win.


That's Today's VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT

-wacko

THURSDAY NIGHT DOORMAT THRILLER TONIGHT!!

Thursday Night Doormat

Tonight:

 Gaguars         vs         Titanics

Completely outdoing themselves, Thursday Night Football concludes it's season of Doormat showcases with the biggest game of the Doormat schedule.  Tied for the lead in the Doormat AFC at 2-12 (along with the Raiders), this is a MUST LOSE game for both teams.  3-13 is not going to win the crown this year.  The Moldy Carpet, and something called first round draft pick, is at stake here.  

The Gags will host this football facsimile at EverBanking on the Losing Teal stadium, led by the league's frowsiest mascot, Jackson DeVille.  Jackson really put his foot in it earlier this season with his crass and classless ebola joke, but dodged the firing squad (except the paintball incident), apologized for being a boob (that's the team spirit!), and still has a job.  He is often the funniest mascot in the league as are the cheerleaders the hottest in the NFL.  At the other end of the spectrum is the team.

These teams are league leaders in OFFENSE:  Jags 31st and Titans 29th  DEFENSE:  Jags 28th, Titans 29th  POINTS SCORED:  Jags 15.1 (last 32nd),  Titans 16.5 (29th),  PUNTING: Jags 9.2 a game (2nd) with the Titans a meager 7.9 (4th).   Individually, Jags QB Blake Bortles is only one interception off the league lead with 17 (chasing the on-fire Jay Cutler with18).  Though the Titanics are not exactly likely to go nuts, they DO have 12 interceptions this year, a surprisingly high number for a team that is challenging for the Moldy Carpet trophy.  So, if you are paying attention, this means the Titanics have a chance, however slim, of getting saddled with a pick-six, which would quite likely be the only touchdown of the game.  

The only questions are: will Josh Scobee kick 3 field goals or 4, will Titan QB Jake Locker get a chance to get in the game and blow it, and will either defense be able to avoid balls just lying there on the turf, or harmlessly wafting right toward them through the air?  This promises to be this year's Slufgest game (no touchdowns and winning total not over 9).  

THE GAME IS A COMPLETE TOSSUP.   DON'T MISS IT.

JOHNNY LETDOWN! THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET!

Johnny Letdown Mobbed!  And not By Browns Fans!  JETS AND TITANS IN BASEBALL GAME!  RAIDERS BACK ON TOP! NFC SOUTH CONTINUES TO CHALLENGE US! ONLY TWO MORE WEEKS FOR THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET TROPHY! WE'RE IN THE NY TIMES (sort of)!

Yes, there was an article in the NY Times about Fantasy football leagues now starting to be all about who has the worst team.  We've been doing it for SIX YEARS now, folks, you're just now figuring out that there is far more failure in football than success?  Football is all about failure- so few plays actually work.  It's the operating principle. Somebody give us some props!!

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 15
 

NFC               W-L              PF        PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-12              254      367     -113

Washington     3-11              257      370     -113 
Chicago           5-9              296       409      -113

NY Giants        5-9               317      339      -22

Atlanta            5-9               348      369      -21

*playing tonight!

AFC             

Oakland           2-12            213       381     -168 

Jacksonville     2-12            211       376     -165

Tennessee        2-12            231       390    -159         

NY Jets            3-11            230       360     -130

Cleveland        7-7              276       300     -24

THE GAMES

BROWNS 0, BENGALS 30

I understand now. Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslem is way ahead of us.  The Browns benched struggling QB Brian Hoyer for the biggest game of the Browns season because they had a rookie QB who was ready and rarin' to do everything wrong! Hoyer's poor footwork? Pish posh! How about frantic chaos instead? The Johnny Letdown era began with a thunderous thud (the sound of Brownie fans slamming their heads against any available surface):  5 first downs!  107 total net yards of empty offense! On the run and looking scared! 1-10 on 3rd down, a couple interceptions, and NO points.  Oh, my the Browns are back to .500 and getting ready for their photo-op out by our BBQ! 

  

But let's go upstairs- it wasn't Johnny's idea to be put in a must-win game late in the season against a bitter rival- it was the coach and the Bosses of Blank Helmet Football. The Brownie Way has never been more clearly articulated on the field as yesterday.  Reverse Engineering to the bottom of the pile. 

So, yes, Johnny No-Touchdowns came on big, big, big, but  the whole team bungled their way through this one, and now they only have to tank two more games (looks like a snap right now!!), and the Beloved Brownie Blank Hats of the Bumbling Basement will be right back home with us at 7-9.

RRRRAIDERS 13, CHIEFS 31

Yesterday's palindrome game featured this season high in punts-  ELEVEN by Marquette King. If not for the charity drives donated by KC during garbage time, it could have been 13. The Chiefs are always willing to keep a game within reach of any Doormat team. But the Raiders came out after half time and, despite one quick KC turnover, got masterfully blown out yet again a week after a victory. The loss puts them back in first in the Doormat AFC. There is an art to suddenly diving all 11 guys on defense up to the line of scrimmage and turning a 3 yard dink pass turning into a 70-yard touchdown, and the Raiders are artistes at it.

TITANS 11, JETS 16

It was 5-3 at halftime. There was a huge brawl. Anything to take attention away from this game. The Titans come out on top, though, as the Jets just got a little too angry and drove for the winning touchdown late in the 4th quarter. It was the first NFL game to ever end 16-11. SO?  After the game, coach Rex Ryan thought his Jets still had only 2 victories, which means he STILL thinks they should have lost one those games. Argh!

The Titanics tried a multi-lateral play on the final play of the game, reaching the Jet 9 yard line.  Whoa whoa whoa!  However, no trombonists appeared in the end zone, and the game ended safely.  Titans, at 2-12, are still tied for first in the AFC.  Jets' (3-11) chance at the Moldy Carpet is crumbling.

BUCCANEERS 17,  PANTHERS 19

Somebody had to win.  Panther QB Cam Newton, recovering from his auto accident, handed over QB duties to Doormat pro Derek Anderson and...actually, he didn't do too bad, and that's good enough against the Bucs, who will lose any game if they get a decent opportunity.  Bucs (2-12) stay one precarious game ahead of Washington (3-11) for the NFC lead.

WASHINGTON 13, GIANTS 24

With a chance to move into a second place tie in the NFC, the Giants just can't come up with a defining turnover or huge play for the Sunburns.  QB Clots McCoy got an owie and RGB (red-green-black) III took over and guided the 'Skins to gory.  Glory. 

Moldy Carpet Outlook

With two games to go, the NFC is between the Bucs and the 'Skins.  The 'Skins should fall to Philly and Dallas to finish up 3-13, and the Bucs have Green Bay (who will be really really angry) and then the Saints.  The Saints are the trap game, as they may SOMEHOW be out of playoff contention by then. If they are, they may all be golfing already, and the Bucs could win the damn game, mess up their draft pick and end 3-13.  This would be disastrous, because the 'Skins have already lost to the Bucs back in week 11, 27-7.  So, the Bucs have to stay the course and finish up strong.

In the AFC, the logjam is something to behold.  Never have we had a 3-way tie this late in the season, and at 2-12 the Jags, Titans and Raiders are all deserving of the Moldy Carpet trophy.  

But next week, the Jags and Titans face off in the hugest game of the season in the Doormat.  Whoever comes out on top is the loser in this one.  Tennessee won the first battle 16-14 back in week 6.  After next week, the Gags face Houston, no gimme, and the Titanics get the Colts, who will be either be playing for a home field advantage in the playoffs or they'll be taking the week off, and playing 3rd string and volunteers from the stands.  So, it will come down to the final week for one of these teams. 

The Raiders have  Buffalo at home and the Broncos in Denver.  Raiders play better at home, could beat Bills after their huge high from beating the Pack.  Bills still in playoff contention, though, so I think the Raiders run the table.  This means it will come down to a tie breaker, and Oakland hasn't faced the Titans or Jags. If Jags and Bucs end in a tie for first, and the Raiders win their last two (oh please), the head-to-head of Jags and Bucs comes into play.  All the Jags gotta do is lose both games to the Titans and have a bigger point differential than the Raiders to be the Champ. That's a tall order, because the Raiders can lose big, and lately they've been really racking up the points.
My money is on the Raiders.  

NFC  SOUTH

Atlanta is fading, the Saints have to lose to Chicago tonight.  If the trend holds, the Panthers will LEAD the NFC South at 5-8-1 with 2 games to go.  6-9-1 or 6-10 takes it.  Atlanta and NO play each other next week. Pray for a tie. Then the next week Atlanta and Carolina collide in the most epic battle of Divisional embarrassment ev- actually, I'm loving it.  I'm still holding that whoever wins this Basement division will go all the way to the Super Bowl, and then they'll cancel it.

OKAY FOLKS 

annnNNNND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!