Derek Anderson's High School, above,
and...Derek's college (Oregon St.)
..aaand his most notable stop in the NFL....
and now his current team:
Well, no WONDER he can't find a receiver. DT is right, this guy needs to get his Orange on, as we say here in San Francisco. Maybe he could play shortstop for us, now that Uribe signed with the Dodgers (from hero to scoundrel!!)
The Crudinals need to immediately change their team colors. This week. I'm suggestion NEON orange.
Derek Anderson gets ready to throw it ...somewhere...
Tonight's news is: The Arizona Crudinals can make ANYBODY look good.
Amassing a 51 passer rating and doing his usual array of passes to points unknown, Doormat All-Star Derek Anderson keeps the Crudinals under 10 first downs (and under 6 deep into the 3rd quarter), while the Crud's depleted defensive line lets forgotten man Brian Westbrook run amok for 439 yards (136) for the 0-4-9ers who now find themselves within a mere game of FIRST PLACE in the NFC Worst with a 4-7 record. Winners AND Losers!!
I missed the first half, so clue me in if there was any mention of how late in the season a division leader had a losing record, but I did catch the ESPN team debating whether a team with a losing record will be allowed into the playoffs.
Hey, YOU try being a Doormat AND win a Division sometime, mac. That's almost impossible to pull off. Of COURSE they deserve to be in the playoffs over a 9-7 team. Who cares about 9-7 teams? Oh, is that what the Cardinals were when Kurt Warner led them to the Super Bowl?
So? That only makes it that much more likely that after the 49ers take the division at 7-9 that they will make a run to at least the NFC Championship.
Place your BETS.
-Wacko
The Doormat Division Weak XII Wrap-Up and Slam Dunk into the Trash
Well, I’m a touch late with today’s report, but if SOMEBODY would put the keg upright before they leave in a blind stupor Sunday night, rendering the carpet a complete squish-bog that I had to sop up with a pizza box all morning, then this report wouldn’t be so damn late. The pizza was still good, though. And, thanks for the cigar nub under the TV. It took the edge off.
And I can't blame you guys, because yesterday was SPECIAL.
OK, everybody ready? DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!
BddddrdrdrdrdrddrdrdrdrDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRDRCRASH!
Ladies, Gentlemen, football fans, and losers everywhere, it is with great Doormat Pride on this morning of November 29th, 2010 that we bestow upon the NFC Worst…excuse me, I mean NFC West, the rare, unique and completely original distinction of
NFL DIVISION WITH AN ALL-LOSING RECORD
this late in the season at week 12. It’s never happened this late in the season. Ever. Go ahead, look it up, because I don’t have the time. okay OKAY, I’ll look it up.
Hmm- this is hard to look up, week by week…. But here’s what I know:
A few times a division has been won by a team with an 8-8 record:
2008- Chargers beat Denver on the last game of the season to make 8-8 (and tie the fading Broncs at 8-8) and make the playoffs.
1985- The Cleveland Browns win the AFC Central at 8-8, with Bernie Kosar throwing his special delivery Hail Mary INTs, with no team having a winning record.
1982- Strike shortened 9 week season, Cleveland and Detroit make the playoffs at 4-5.
They were NOT division winners. Only teams with losing records to ever make playoffs. But, everybody made the playoffs that year (16 teams).
But no losing record at Week XII. I really think we are in uncharted territory, here, folks. In fact, the NFC WORST has not had a team other than the division winner with a winning record since 2003!!!! 2004 was a banner year in the NFC, with not a SINGLE division posting a winning record other than the division winner. WOW!!! Boy did the world need the Doormat Division back then. We’re sorry we missed it. But, of course, we DIDN’T, because those were OUR teams doing the losing. Kittens! Lambs! O-4ers!
And you know what’s really really REALLY special?? Tonight, special edition, the Monday Night Game of the Week is the GAME OF THE WEAK with NFC Worst cellar rats the 0-4-9ers and the Crudinals bringing it all home to the entire US and armed forces abroad. If they don’t have the info we are all waiting for for the broadcast (is this the latest in the year a division has a losing record??), somebody fire the director. This is a once-in-a-lifetime broadcasters dream, to be there when history happens and to bring the news to the populace. I’ll be watching, on the edge of my duct-taped orange sofa right here in the rumpus room at…damn, ouch, geez Walkfish, don’t you EVER put that Oracle bottle away??? You can’t walk 3 feet in this place without….
Geez. Okay so, what are the ODDS? Somebody call Vegas and get a line on this. Can it be done?
IN OTHER NEWS
Nils 16- Steelers 19 (ot) 3rd OT loss for Nils this year!
You cannot lose a game more profoundly doormat than Steve Johnson lost it yesterday in the end zone for the Nils. You just can’t lose any more painfully. Unless, of course, you’ve already done it 4 times this year.
Nils tie the Kittens for best worst team in the league. It takes special skills to impress people, and still cough up an ‘L.’
Kittens 24, Patriots 45
We all saw it. I burned the pecan pie watching it. The Kittens are just flat-out a 2 ½ quarter team. They got tired and faded. And they do it all the time. These guys just wear out. DB Alphonso Smith for Kittens gets burned 3 times for TDs, and looks really stupid on all of them.
Brownies 24, Pansies 23
Class of the Doormat Division go at it with amazing precision and fierce determination to lose the damn ballgame, but Pansies prevail because they care. Plus Jake DelHomme was having his get-even game. No offensive touchdowns after 9:12 of 2nd quarter. Way to go, Jake!!
Titans 0, Texans 20
3 interceptions, 9 first downs, 7 punts. 24 yards rushing. 10 penalties. Just BARELY over 20 minutes possession time. Can YOU say TI-TAN-ICS?????
Buncos 33, Lambs 36
Up against it with Buncos rolling over like a neutered lab, the Lambs enter the 4th quarter ridiculously far ahead 33-13, and stage a FURIOUS dive for the loss, going 3 and out and taking their defensive backs off the field, giving up multiple touchdowns all over the place, but ultimately FAIL, winning 36-33. How much can one team take of this winning? Isn’t it really even more impressive that the leader in the NFC Worst is OUR LAMBS? Gotta love it.
There were other games, but the smell in here is just overwhelming, as it’s starting to warm up…so
THIS WEEK’S GLEAMING SPIRES OF PULCHRITUDE!!
Points- 0 Titanics (and welcome back, may I say.)
First downs- 8 Crudinals
Yards- 162 Titanics!
Rushing 12 Seahags
Passing 138 Titanics!
TO 5 Colts
Penalties 10-107 Steelers
Possession 18:22 Raydurz (Seattle also under 19)
aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAND That's the view from the BASEMENT!!!!
Doormat Division Weak XI Warp-up and Dispepsia
You know that smell of a rug damp with stale weeks-old beer on a cold morning?
Then you turn on the noisy old space heater that makes it a pleasant sort of ‘beer soup’ ambiance? No? Then you haven’t been in the Doormat Division Office (also known as the broom closet in the basement) on a morning like this when we just can’t WAIT to get to the office to do the write-up! Now that the Commodore 64 is warmed up, let’s get right to this weekend of incredible performances, both on the field and in the press conference room.
GAME OF THE YEAR
Nils 490, Bungles 31
Wait a minute, is that score right? No, it isn’t, but it might as well be once the Bungles saw what they were up against in Cincinnati and the task they had for the second half.
And boy did they ever deliver!!! No team has ever been that far ahead (28-7), and then lost by that much (49-31) in the entire history of the NFL. I’m not making that up. It’s a special, special moment in Bunglonia and I hope the fans are really appreciating what they’ve got there, because this sort of performance does not happen every week. Unless you live in Carolina…which sounds ominously similar to living in “Golden State.” But it doesn’t even happen there, because Carolina only scores once a week (special diet).
Up 28-7, and in severe danger of winning a game, the Bungles went into damage mode, sidelining their two best defensive backs just before halftime and quickly giving up a long touchdown pass (and ramping down the offensive juggernaut for just a field goal at the end of the half). 31-14. They then started off the second half as if the game was over and the party had already started, and boom! Nils throw another TD pass. 50 seconds later a Bungle Fumble (fungle?) goes ALL THE WAY, 43 yards, and it’s….31-28. And why punt? That takes too long. Carson Palmer gets into the act and starts finding open Nils receivers downfield- and not so downfield- for quick turnovers and Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick and receiver Steve Johnson shred the Bungles ‘defense’ for 2 more TDs. By the 11:30 mark of the 4th, the Nils were safely ahead 42-31. The Bungles are so far on their heels that the Nils just start handing off to Fred Jackson, who just runs over the guys in Way Too Much Orange.* 49-31. TO gave a stunningly honest statement in the post-game locker room, including alluding to how, just maybe, he’s bad luck. The Nils put all the juju on him they could last year, and it paid off. Nils beat the Bungles for the 12th straight time!!
Walkfish nailed it with this week’s prediction, and like we say in the Basement, a fumble is better than a punt, and the Bungles are now, definitely, worse than the Buffalo Nils, who just might start pummeling every under-.500 team they meet….which is about 27 teams, currently.
*Only one team pulls that off in football, Oregon St. 36, USC 7, and don’t you forget it.
PRESS CONFERENCE OF THE WEAK
BRETT FAVRE 0, RETIREMENT 78
He may not be the oldest man in football, but he’s the most done! I don’t even have to put a fork in him. Delivering the most glum, quittin’-ist, downmouth, long-faced, I’m- going-home-to-stick-my-head-in-the-toilet press conference statement I’ve ever seen, Brett Favre beats out TO, Vince Young (if he’d talked, who knows), Jeff Fisher, and Mike Single-minded for the honors this week, and that was some stiff competition. How many marbles did he have in his mouth? One for every loss! Why am I enjoying this? Because, for one, it was my preseason prediction that: he would lead the NFL in interceptions (17); two, that the Yikings were gonna be sorry they went down to Favre-land, had a few too many, and came back with a guy who is shooting from an antique hip; and three, when things started going bad, the whole team would fall apart.
Done, done and DONE!! Oops, spilled some coffee into the Commodore disk drive, there. I think it’s ok.
Now the Yikings, who really ARE terrible and man was it entertaining to watch Favre trying to get his head around that information- it really looked like his face was bending into another dimension (it’s called the Basement, Brett)….where was I? Oh yeah, The Yikes are faced with trying to develop a QB NEXT year, or with what they’ve got left of this year, a completely pissed off fan base, and a coach that has lost his team, and just got his ass fired this morning. The rats would love to jump off the Longships, but the Yikes are lost in the fog somewhere off Vinland…or Greenland…Iceland? Happy sailing guys!
STIFF OF THE WEAK
There really isn’t a stiff of the weak, so I have conflated two games to make one really good stiff
Crudnells 13, Pansies 13
Who cares who these teams lost to? We’ve got a TIE for most consistent loser of the weak. Or is it? One touchdown and two field goals. Check (both, Cruds’ TD on last play of game). Under 10 first downs? Check (Pansies). Over 18 punts? Check (9-7 Pansies). Unheard of QB starting? Check (St. Pierre, Pansies). Passer ratings below 50? Only the Pansies (Derek Anderson clocks in at an astounding 81). Third down conversion rate below10%? CHECK. Pansies 1-13, Cruds 4-15 (boo!).
The Crudnells (Lardinals) may be sliding precipitously down the chute, but the Pansies are already there. Pansies still got it.
The Rest of the Sorry Pile
Kittens 19, Cowpies 35
Uh, oh, Cowpies have won two straight. Red flag. But when the Kittens come to town, your Doormat cred is in serious jeopardy because: The Kittens have won a total of 7 road games in the last 10 years. The last championship to come to Detroit was in 1957, when the Lions won 5 road games (including playoff win against SF at Kezar, we wuz robbed). For the CURRENT Lions, to achieve 5 road wins we have to flip through the card file all the way back to October 24th, 2004 at the Meadowlands when they inexplicably beat the NY Giants 28-13. There is nothing else to say. Current road losing streak is 26 and counting….
Lambs 17, Falcons 34
Lambs get yet ANOTHER reality check (say coach how many of these are there gonna be?) and are sinking dangerously close to the Basement border…the soggy rug, the rattling space heater, the orange couch…scary, huh? Lambs and Niners (Oafers) are employing similar offensive shemes: be extrememly obvious about when you are going to hand it off to your premier running back. Show absolutely no imagination on offense, regardless of how talented your guys might be. Also, get your ass handed to you by a really good team. Falcons cream of the NFC…which isn’t saying much, holy cow what a league.
0-4-9ers 0, Bucs 21
Coach Singleminded sees his new QB win two games with dynamic play, his offensive co-ordinator shows some flair, and THAT’S ENOUGH OF THAT. All week we heard from coach One Track about how Troy Smith has played all right, but “he has to play within the parameters of the team plan.” Or some such nonsense. I’m not kidding. Result? Frank Gore up the gut on first down, even when the entire Buc defense and the water boy are lined up over right tackle. Unless owner Jed York really is intimidated by Coach Crazy Eyes, this season is Lame Duck the rest of the way. That’s just the most boring thing I’ve witnessed this year. I honestly just wandered away from the TV, in a Doormat trance. Best play of the game was Buc RB LeGarret Blount demolishing LB Harrelson early in the game. Game over.
Brownies 20, Gaguars 24
Brownies getting very good at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. These guys are still in the running and will not win 4 straight at the end of the year to save their butts.
NFC WORST UPDATE
Seahags 19, Saints 34
Seahags keep the NFC Worst dream alive for the ALL LOSING RECORD division, bringing themselves back to 5-5. Next loss: Cheaps! 49ers and Cruds go at it, and Lambs can’t get above .500 next week so it’s all up to the HAGS. But don’t count on them. Ever.
THIS WEEK’S GLEAMING SPIRES OF PULCHRITUDE:
Points: 0 0-4-9ers
First downs 9 Pansies
Yards 182 Raydurz (49ers 189, go bay area)
Rush 61 Raydurz , Giants
Pass 118 0-4-9ers
TO 5 NYG
Penalties 14-163 Steelers
Now that we're 10 weeks in, this seems like a good time to start nominations for the DOORMAT ALL-STAR TEAM 2010.
Our first nomination goes to San Francisco 0-4-9ers rookie right tackle Anthony Davis.
After a training camp where the competition was negligible, because Davis was the Niners first round pick, Mr. Davis has amassed the kind of resume that usually gets you benched on most teams. But not on the O-fers! Why? Have you looked at the bench???
7 sacks given up, 13 penalties (including nullified TDs), 1 injured starting QB (on one of his allowed sacks), paltry running game, and lost yardage and rushed passes and flushed QBs all over the place. It's kinda like having a log play the position.
To be fair, the QB thing looks like it's turning out to be a good move. Plus, he has a vertical leap of 33", so if the O-fers would just score more often, he could bust out some fine end zone moves and Candlestick Leaps! Also, he wasn't ready to start, and in the Doormat Division Player Development Dept. that means opening day starter and let's get the losing feeling developed in this young player now. Remember, in the Doormat Division, never blame the player. It takes a whole organization to make dreams come true.
All-Star nominations are now open for consideration.
I had the shrine all ready for the event. The wee pile of plastic NFL helmets, in a cut-out boat made from a 42 ounce can of malt liquor, liberally doused in something flammable.
But it was not to be. The Lambs complied, losing to SF, but the Seahags clobber the rapidly disintegrating Cardinals, leaving one team with a winning record in the NFC Worst. It’s too bad, really, because it might have topped the Dracula vs. Frankenstein pyre me and Walkfish fired up on the back patio lo these many moons ago.
So what have we learned? What you really can’t do is create another Doormat Division out of the NFC Worst. I’m sorry, over here at the basement, we’ve got the best.
And, man, did they ever deliver yesterday.
GAME, and STIFF, OF THE WEAK
Futility Bowl (official designation)
Nils 14, Hello Kitties 12
NILS WIN! NILS WIN! NILS WIN! Okay, stop that. Yes, the Nils have won a game. It was clear in the last three weeks that they were not actually a Perfect Season caliber team, losing in the waning moments 3 weeks in a row. Sooner or later you are going to meet a team DETERMINED to out-Doormat you, and the Detroit Furballs have this down to a science. The Lions have developed a new kind of offense that is catching on around the league: amass over 300 yards passing, but go 5-19 on third down, effectively killing all drives. I see the drive now- start at your 15, connect on an exciting 35 yard pass, throw in a couple 8 yard dinks (51 total yds), then have 2 straight false starts and end up with a 3rd and 18, from which there is no escape. OK? Throw in two 3-and-outs. Lesse, 8 Kitten punts, factor in TWO 3 and outs….6 x 51= 306. Kitties ended up with 314 yards passing with NOTHING to show for it, except field goal attempts Toss in the 11 penalties and you get something significant: 25 Straight losses on the road, breaking the previous mark of 24 set by…the Detroit Lions (2001-03).
Nils counter with season’s first reported Three Stooges Play, 3 defensemen collide while trying to make interception on tipped ball, bang heads, and go sprawling while ball harmlessly falls to turf. Ding! Honk! Played in a soggy downpour, Buffalo cracks out the Fred Jackson show and finally gets out the basement….for a DAY.
"All this killing ourselves and making mistakes, it's almost juvenile," Lions receiver Nate Burleson said. "The mistakes are killing us, and today I really noticed it." Nate, you need to look up from your Gatorade a little more often. It’s been going on for 10 years.
Heisman Trophy Winner Bowl
0-4-9ers 23, Lambs 20 (OT)
0-4-9ers trot out same offense as Kittens, piling up 323 yards, but going 0-11 on Third down. You know, that has to be pretty hard to do. Lambs, not to be completely outdone, clock in at 2 for 14, and that’s with Sam “Third Down” Bradford chucking things up in the air. That takes precision screw-ups. Though there were no turnovers and some fun plays to watch, make no mistake, these two teams were dukin’ it out for who could out-doormat the other. 26 total penalties (season record is 27) for 240 yards. !!! Drive killers every time you look up from your beer that you’ve spilled on the autographed Joe Montana jersey worn by the cranky old bat in front of you. SF had TWO, count’ em, TWO touchdowns called back for penalties. And yet, and yet. They WON. The Lambs are still the Lambs, and they have a losing record. Lambs go 3 and out for the entire 4th quarter, punting 10 times, just trying to GIVE the game to the Niners, but Niners are having none of it, maliciously punting right back and positioning the Lambs for a game tying FG as time expires.
Exhausted by the effort, the Lambs lie down on Candlestink with a quick 3 and out and let Joe Nedney kick the game-winner for the 0-4ers.
Wow.
The Rest of the Sorry Pile
Yikings 13, Bears 27
Ok, the Yikes really are officially bad. They aren’t coming back from this.
Bears still the worst team with a winning record. Check out their schedule sometime and you’ll see why.
Bungles 17, Colts 23
Bungles keeping it real with their usual turnover festival. Some of those INTs by Palmer were a good imitation of Derek Anderson. He’s been watching film. The difference is Anderson misses EVERYBODY.
Cardinals (what to call these guys?) 18, Seahags 36
Cardinals also employing Furball Offense. Anderson gets 286 yards, but team counters with 2-11 on third down, 5 sacks and 10 penalties, all false starts. At home.
Cheaps 29, Buncos 49
Buncos explode out of the cellar and start kicking the Cheaps into it. Anyone notice that the Cheaps are 2-4 in the last 6 games? Look familiar?? Raydurs tied for first, and that’s they way to play a bye week, baby. Al Davis’ smile is a rictus and they had to take him to ER last night.
Pansies 16, Bucs 31
Well, what a relief that the Pansies don’t have to explain how they really ARE worse than the Nils anymore. Sadly, they DID clear 100 points for the season, and they were so close to a 100 point differential there…oh wait, they got it.
Cowpies 33, Giants 20
Giants got overconfident, obviously. Playing really sloppy Doormat quality defense, Cowpies get a bunch of huge gains, getting only 15 first downs for the whole game.
Jerry Jones had to go and mess with the team chemistry just when they were getting it all working. We need a new owner down there in Dallas.
Brownies 20, Jets 26
We almost had a tie game. Or do they just keep playing nowadays? Mark Sanchez throws the game winner with 16 seconds left in OT. Brownies playing just good enough to lose.
This week’s Gleaming Spires of Pulchritude:
Points: 12- Lions (that’s the worst you can do?)
First downs- 12 Nils (and they won)
Yards 240 Yikings
Pass 124 Titans
Rush 51 Cheaps (they’re baaaaack!)
TO 5 Bungles
Penalties 12-135 Lambs/ 14-105 0-4-9ers
aaaaAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!
Okay, the Oracle has spoken, but that doesn’t mean we can’t FOCUS IN on a couple of choice match-ups.
WE have only one true Doormat tilt this week, Kittens-Nils, and two other intriguing gridiron contests- 0-4-9ers vs. Lambs, and Cardinals-Seahags.
Cards-Hags is probably the worst game of the week. Hags get back Matt Hasselbeck at QB, so PERHAPS they will get more than 8 first downs. perHAPS. Still, they lead the league in least first downs (32nd) , so that means a lot of throwing on third down, and what can the Cards do to stop this? Nothing, really. They are 30th (out of 32) in the league in giving up first downs, and so…they are slightly better than the Hags here. It’s a game of inches, and these worms will be using every inch on the field to measure progress. However, they are really good at giving up the 12 yard pass on 3rd and 11, so Hasselbeck must be licking his chops…or maybe that’s just because he’s had so many concussions it’s a sort condition he’s got.
QB Derek Anderson brings his usual 67 passer rating to the contest, and the Cardinals have NO rushing game. Their leading rusher, Tim Hightower, is averaging 42 yds a game. So the only way the Cards are going to score is off Seahag turnovers, defensive touchdowns, and atrocious defense (over 1000yds the last two weeks). This is highly likely. Should have over 22 changes of possession, but score stays under 20. STIFF.
Check out this remaining schedule for the Cardinals: Hags, Cheaps (real team-ish), 0-4-9ers, Lambs, Buncos, Pansies, Cowpies, 0-4-9ers……..That’s (excluding Cheaps, aw) ALL DOORMAT, guys. They've got to win at least two of those- no?
NILS-KITTENS- the game of the WEAK!
Back in Buffalo where the only fans that are showing up for this one are the ones that still believe THIS IS THE WEEK, or they just really need to get out of the house to avoid the police. Nils have decent running game and Kittens have terrible run D. But Nils are the chokingest guys in the red zone when they run the ball- 3 tds.
Kittens have great passing game, but Shaun ‘INT’ Hill is back under rump in place of the all-glass Matt Stafford, so Nils should get some GIFTS. If Nils have a single guy that can blitz (do they have one? Anybody?), they should do this all day. Even during time outs. Kittens have ka-rummy running game (though Jahvid Best was hot at Cal) going against WORST run defense in the league from the Nils- edge to Kittens, If Best gets break-out game, which means he MAY clear 88 yards, Kittens win. If not, Nils actually get off the snide.
And that’s a Snide Field 9 miles wide.
0-4-9ers vs. Lambs
It’s the final countdown to Coach Single-minded’s firing appointment. I think the only reason this guy is not toast is because Niner owner Jed York is totally scared of the dude.
Who can blame him? Troy Smith goes again at QB and last week he played a complete and efficient second half in a winning effort. I give the Niners every chance of winning this game at Candlestink. If they can pull it out, and the Cardinals can pull out a win against the Hags, the ENTIRE NFC WEST WILL HAVE A LOSING RECORD. Here in The Basement we will hold a special ceremony, building a small shrine in the backyard with those little plastic helmets we got as kids that you put the stickers on and hung on a ‘helmet tree’ for all your favorite teams. Then, a liberal dousing of lighter fluid, a quick hymn of “how low can you go?” , toss a match, sniff the carcinogens and other toxins heartily, and then weave back into the darkness and collapse on the sofa we found outside the transient hotel last week. We liked the orange color.
And that’s the view from the Basement!
Number 9….number 9…..number IX……….
ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS!
Raiders 23 Cheaps 20 (ot)
The Black Hole is Silver and Blacked Out no more. There was a butt in every seat yesterday (though there was a lot of standing) as the Raydurz sold out the Coliseum for the first time in 478 games, dating back to last year’s opener. This is the first home game anybody’s seen on TV for a year and some change. Not that we WANTED to see any of the games, but hey. 27 penalties!!! And every single one on the Raiders a rip-off, man. The booooing was off the hook.
The Cheaps and the Raydurz have now BOTH officially exited the Basement, and the Raydurz have won THREE in a row. Raider rookie Jacoby Ford turns into a star, pulling in 148 yards of receiving yards and running back a kickoff for a TD. Who are these guys?? First it’s the Giants, now the Raydurz are winning, next the 49ers will….never mind.
So, get outta here, you Worst Team of the Decade, and take your gorilla mask with you! It’s a new decade, and you’ve got a legitimate shot at winning the AFC West. Doormat NO MORE. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of.
On to the Bumblefest:
BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK
Cowpies 7, Packers 45
We’ve got a FIRING!! Green Bay was ahead 28-0 before Dallas got word there was a game going on out on the field. The Poops cough up the ball 4 times, get sacked 4 times, barely clear 200 total yards, 12 first downs….As predicted, the Packers put a major hurt on the Team from the Ridiculous Stadium. Wade Phillips was pasteurized last night. Did you know the Cowpies, on their way from the locker room to the field, have to pass through the VIP lounge (safely cordoned off, of course). Perfect place to see what kind of cattle Jerry’s got on the hoof this year!! Losing doesn’t get any better than this. Mooo!!!
ANOTHER BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK
Seahags 7, NY GIANTS 41
Oh, it got dark EARLY in Seattle yesterday. Seahags turn in the Performance of the Weak for Week IX, amassing a stunning 8 first downs, and 162 total yards. 3 turnovers, 9 punts and a measly 17:26 possession time. That’s this year’s LOW. After getting pulverized by the Raydurz last week, the Hags lay down for the Giants to the tune of 487 yards. That’s 1032 yards for two weeks. The Hags take their Swiss Cheese “D” to Arizona next week. Enjoy, Phoenix!
If you’re a Seahag fan, this was the Stiff of the Weak. But not if you’re a Pansy fan.
YET ANOTHER BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK
Pansies 3, Saints 34
What’s a girl gotta do to get noticed around here? Lose by 50?? Well, I have a suggestion. From here on out, the leading terrible team of the Doormat division will NOT wear pink gloves to show solidarity for cancer research….why stop there? Let’s wear an All-Pink outfit. I actually nominate the Pansies, because the Nils are the best 0-8 team there has ever been. 2 turnovers, 4 sacks, 7 punts, 10 penalties. Oops! Ouch! Sorry! Excuse me!
The Rest of the Sorry Pile
Nils 19, Careless Bears 22
Crises and Suicide Prevention number for the greater Buffalo area: 716-834-3131
Kittens 20, Jets 23
A football analyst, or maybe it was just Chris Berman (why does he have a sidekick during The Blitz, or whatever it’s called? The guy never gets to say anything.) said “The Lions are the best 2-6 team in the NFL.” And, By God, they ARE. This is great news. Not only are they right in the thick of it for winning the Moldy Carpet, they are also, simultaneously, a really good team, but they STILL LOSE!!!! Abracadabra!!
Farvekings 27 Cardinals 24
Not much to say here, except Brett Favre looked down into our basement this week, and swallowed hard. And, during halftime yesterday, the memory of the sight of the tattered barcalounger and 4 gallons of flat beer with his name on it turned out to be quite a motivator. Dude saved a bunch of jobs yesterday! His included. Cardinals, by the way, blew the game.
DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING
Brownies 34, Pats 14
Brownies take it to the Pats in a major way, beating them in all phases of the game, including phase, flange, echo, reverb and, of course, resonating with your fans. Toot!
Colt McCoy, whose been trying to live up to his football name all his life (what if he played for the Broncos? Or the Colts?), makes smart decisions all day, and that’s two in a row for the Brownies (Saints, Pats), and they aren’t beating Doormats, ladies and gentlemen.
Lambs, 0-4-9ers, Buncos (Donkeys) all the week off. Waaaaaaaay off.
THIS WEEK’S LOWS
Points 3 Pansies
First Downs 8 Seahags
Total Yards 162 Seahags
Passing 68 Pansies
Rushing 39 Cowpies
Turnovers 4 Cowpies
Penalties 15-140 Raydurz (still bringing it!)
Time of Poss 17:26 Seahags (this is really hard to do, get under 20 minutes)
AaaAAAAAAAAND THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!
It's HALFTIME in the NFL season. Firing time around the league, especially for teams with a BYE week. The teams on the way down are getting kicked around by the teams they were rude to on their way up. Mediocrity abounds. In fact, it's hard to maintain true Doormat cred with so many teams sharing the blunders.
That's not say there aren't some good candidates!
STIFF OF THE WEEK
NILS 10, Cheaps 13 (OT)
Not Every week features two games with solid stiff credentials (see Packers- Jets, which honestly must have been a lot more boring), but I gotta go with the marquee changing of the guard game, the Cheaps on the way up (oh, please) and the Nils absolutey wallowing in failure. How wallow? All Hallow Wallow hollow?
The Cheaps call a timeout right when Nils kicker Rian Lindell hits the game winner in OT from 53 yards. He has to kick it again. He misses. If I was a kicker, I'd go over to the opposing coach and kick him in the nuts after one of those maneuvers.
This sham of a mockery of a sham of a travesty of manipulation of 'icing' has got to be stopped. Think of all the alcoholics who went off the wagon last night in Buffalo after watching their team lose in OT twice in a row. It's bad for society, and it's the leading cause of murder of NFL coaches (c'mon don't tell me you having felt your trigger finger itching when this gets done to YOUR team). But, you know what? The Cheaps keep on winning games they have no business winning, so good luck to them next week against the Raydurz, who have suddenly become the NFL Juggernaut.
The Nils cannot catch a break, period. This could be the game that snuffs out whatever reason they had for showing up sober for practice. Nils fans catch a break next week because the 'home' game is in Toronto vs. the Careless Bears. Says here Nils get their first "W" playing Canadian rules next week.
BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK
Seahags 3, Raydurz 33
Wait, what? I'm...wait a minute...RAYDURZ WIN TWO IN A ROW!!!! Two BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK in a row!!! Nobody's done that since I started writing up these weekly reviews of ghastly performances. How are they doing it? How ARE they doing it?! With a defense that is crushing people. They finally figured out that coach is right- they're good! Jason Campbell has finally stopped checking down to his 18th option on plays, and suddenly these guys can score. Darren Mcfadden and the rushing game suddenly has room to move, and that guy is a helluva RB.
Seahags get more first downs (3) on penalties than rushing (2), a hilarious Doormat Stat. Seahag QB Hasselback goes down 8 times, averages 2.9 yards per pass (I see the Brownie Bomb play!), they punt 9 times (ice that leg, Mr. Punter guy, and have a Rainer on me). 1-16 on Third down conversions. You don't have games like that and win your division..even if it is the NFC West.
500 yards of offense? The Raydurz??? Al Davis must be smiling in his private inner sanctum, which is good because his smile is really scary now.
The Big Question on everybody's black and silver lips: will some tickets actually sell to a home game so the homeys can watch this transformation on TV during a HOME GAME??? The Silver and Blacked Out have an NFL record number of blackouts going at 457. We'll find out this week when the CHEAPS visit Mt. Davis in Oaktown in a MAJOR tilt in the AFC west. Both of these teams have left the Doormat Building, but I think the Cheaps are going to get it handed to them, frankly.
THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE
Cowpies 17 Gaguars 35
The Poops keep down the penalties (3), and the punts (3), but make up for it big-time with a drive-snuffing 4 INTs and BOY THAT'S GOTTA HURT DOWN THERE IN TEXAS, WHAT WITH THE RANGERS STINKING UP ARLINGTON.
Gosh, losing to the Gaguars is undeniable proof positive that the Cowpies are in solid competition for the Moldy Carpet Trophy. That's exciting, I'm telling YOU. I'm giving them the inside track. QB threw more catchable INT flyballs than the Rangers hit and I WONDER HOW MANY RANGER FANS ARE SEEING FREDDIE SANCHEZ LEERING AT THEM IN THEIR DREAMS....like the way he goads the pitcher after fouling off 5 or six pitches. Or maybe it's leaping 12 feet in the air to sno-cone a liner, or tagging out guys at second or completing a double-play and- what? Oh, SORRY. Right, football. Guess I've got my rally thong on a little too tight this morning.
Donkeys 16, 0-for-9ers 24
Uh, oh, trouble in San Francisco. Specializing in 'Busts R Us' this year, the Niners trot out Heisman Trophy winner/NFL bust Troy Smith (Ohio St.) at QB (he wasn't even on the roster at the beginning of the year), and the dude goes all responsible and starts making plays in the second half, and the Donkeys have no answer for teams making plays, so BOOM down go the Donks in London. I don't know what the Niners are thinking, putting in a guy with leadership capabilities. They are placing their entire Doormat season in jeopardy. I don't know what to think.
Farvekings, Pansies, Bungles, all LOSE. LAMBIES win AGAIN.
Kittens 37, Deadskins 25
A wild game at Ford Field with a lot of big yardage plays, EIGHTEEN punts, 4 turnovers and Stafford back at QB for the Kittens, and that means even more points and most likely a climb out of the NFC North cellar, what with the FarveKings elbowing their way past everybody. The Kittens are starting to deliver entertainment, which is often accompanied, eventually, with wins. Says here it starts happening more often.
THIS WEEK'S STATISTICAL NIGHTMARES
Points: 0 Jets
First downs: 10 Seahags
yards: 162 Seahags
rushing: 25 Pansies (about 1.2 yards per carry)
passing: 140 Cheaps
turnovers: 4 Cowpies, Cardinals
penalties: 11-105 Raydurz
just plain bad: Cowpies
aaaAAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!
