The Doormat Division: The Final Countdown Week 17

The Final Countdown

It’s here. The last weekend of the regular season in the Doormat Division. One last weekend of expert bumbling, fumbling and grumbling and then you can take off that clown suit, put on a disguise, and hope nobody recognizes you on your way to the airport.

THE MOLDY CARPET hangs in the balance on Sunday, and may the loser take all.

San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams

My local paper’s headline today: “Lowly Rams Have Nothing to Lose.”

People, PEOPLE! They have everything to lose. They have EVERY REASON to lose. They have the best reason to lose, and to lose super duper ooper big. It’s for the MOLDY CARPET trophy and the first pick in the draft. And, unless I read these people wrong, they won’t draft an offensive lineman or somebody, ANYBODY, for defense, they’ll take Andrew Luck and really screw up Sam Bradford’s head. Why stop now? Down to their 14^th string QB, the Lambs will be pulling out all the stops, pulling up their pantyhose and putting a cherry on the top of the kind of season other Doormat teams only can dream about. And if they can finish this season with one more big fat ‘L’, and a Dolts victory, they will have nailed down a season that was put together way back in truncated training camp in Earth City, MO. Earth City. The name just says DIRT.

Though the Lambs and Niners can play some dreadful games (see the last 5 years), the Lambs warmed up last week by not scoring a point, and will be shooting for a repeat goose egg. They didn’t score the last time these two met, so I don’t see why not. If they ‘zero-out,’ they will finish the season with 166 points, a sparkling 10.3 average that puts them in some very elite company. They can’t get under the truly rarified air of under 10, inhabited by no one since the Seahags of ’92 (8.75), the orange pants of Tampa in ’77 (7.3) and the Falcons of ‘74 (7.9). No, ’77 wasn’t the year the Bucs lost them all. That was ’76. Great times in Tampa back then.

In addition to maybe winning the whole Losing Season, the Lambs are a lock to take Worst Offense, Fewest Points and Fewest TDs, are tied for Most Sacks (52 with Cardinals), in the lead for Most Punts (100 to the Jaguars 97), have the lead for Worst Kicker (73% on FGs), and are a lock for Worst Run Defense. The Lambs also give up more big gainers that just put the ice pick into the heart of hope than any other team in the league.

Their only ace in the hole for Sunday is if the 49ers punter, Andy Lee, is obsessed with beating out Shane Lechler of Oakland for Biggest Foot, and starts kicking every punt into the end zone and gives the Lambs some breathing room to actually move the ball. The Punt Derby is intense! Lechler has a 50.7 average and Lee is at 49.8. Reaching 50 yards per punt usually takes being on a team that can’t get past their own 35 yard line on at least 8 possessions a game. Which explains how Donnie Jones of the Lambs did it in 2008! Lechler also cleared the bar in 2009 (JaMarcus “Purple Drank” Russell at the helm for the Rayduuuuurrrrz). Before that? You have to go all the way back to Slingin’ Sammy Baugh in 1940, checking in with the NFL all-time best 51.7. And the ball was fatter. Sammy sure wasn’t, that’s for damn sure.

EDGE: LAMBS

BUT NOT SO FAST!

Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars

The Dolts are dangerous now. They’ve won two in a row, and now here come the Gaguars, who have already shed their coach, won the requisite ‘new coach’ game since then, and really have to get going, as those tee times at the golf courses of Florida don’t just sit around waiting for you. The Gags can’t even win the Florida Bowl, as Tampa has come out of nowhere and just clocked the Gags and the Dolphins (capping that with a titanic 41-14 loss to Jacksonville in week 14). Only thing left is can QB Blaine Gabbert finish under 50% on competions (50.1% right now!) and take the Worst QB Title. The Dolts? This team needs the #1 draft pick and Andrew Luck more than just about anybody. Peyton Manning is now a coach, basically. He needs somebody to coach. But if the Dolts don’t bench Dan Orlovsky, it’s going to be hard to lose this one. I’m going out on a big limb, like a three toed sloth- the Dolts can’t win 3 in a row. It’d be like the Rings of Saturn turning into Skittles.* The Gaguars, somehow, God I don’t know how, will win this game. It will be the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen. The Dolts will take the Moldy Carpet and still get Lucky.

EDGE: DOLTS

*this is assuming the Rings of Saturn are, in fact, not Skittles presently.

The REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL!

Buffalo Bills at New England

The Nils shoot for loss #10, completely unthinkable back in week 8. Ryan Fitzpatrick, in a 4-way dead heat for Most Interceptions (19), will be going all out against the Pats, who have, what a coincidence, 19 INTs on the season. You gotta believe,

EDGE: NILS

Chicago Un-Bears at Minnesota Yikings

This should be a whopper of a flopper. Yikings won last week, and now get to play inside, away from that bothersome outdoor world and everything. Eww! Gosh, I hope the field has that radiant heat thing going on, because I just hate landing on unheated Astro-turf. My Yikings are so annoying, they can’t even lose properly, they can’t win the Moldy Carpet, they can’t make the playoffs, they can’t win the Super-Bowl and they can’t even bring back the purple pants. Joe Kapp decked somebody at a dinner for old jocks last month, and that’s about the best thing I can say for the Vikings. I don’t believe these guys can win two in a row, but remember, this is my team, so my judgement is clouded over like the ice on a busy fishing day on the lake.

EDGE: Yikes

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Atlanta

Want a shock? The Bucs beat the Falcons, waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in week 3, 16-13, en route to their 3-game winning streak, which was followed by the ominous 48-3 loss to the 49ers, but then followed by their ultra shocking win against the Saints. Since then? 9 straight bomb jobs that has had jaws, and footballs, dropping all over the NFL. These guys have been hoisting the Worst Team of the Week flag repeatedly in the Doormat. Josh Freeman has come out of nowhere to tie for most INTS, and has got his team only one fumble behind for the Worst Hands Awards, at 27. Just ahead of them are the Broncos (with Fumble King Tim Tebow checking in with 11) at 28, and the Dolphins at 28. Now, you can’t win the Florida Derby and have some team in Miami put it on the carpet more than you, so look for LaGarrette Blount (5), Freeman (8), and fumble God Preston Parker (8) to really ramp it up on Sunday. Johnny Depp can’t drop the treasure any better than these Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything.

EDGE: Bucs

Seattle Seahawks at University of Phoenix Cardinals

Last year, this would have decided who won the NFC Worst. But now the 49ers have screwed that up, and these teams are mired in either going 8-8 or 7-9, which are neither winning seasons nor a place inside the Basement. Go 7-9 and we’ll let you hang around the BBQ all Winter on the patio, but that’s it. C’mon, be a man and lose 10. Honestly.

EDGE: I don’t care and neither should you.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns

For some reason, the good people of Cleveland are being asked to attend a football game on New Years’ day that involves the Blank Helmet Boys. How this says Happy New Year, I don’t know. The free boxes of Chomps Cereal (with special New Year’s day flavor, “Hangover”) at the gate aren’t really going to help. Just another Brownie Bake Sale by the Lake. When will it all end? Oh, yeah, around 4:30 Sunday. Get your orange OFF.

Washington Redskins at Philadephia Eagles

The Deadskins made the 10 club last week, showing their mettle in a hard fought loss agains the Vikings that cemented their membership in the Doormat. The Eagles, on the other hand, have won 3 in a row, can make it to 8-8, and you aren’t a doormat if you do that, no matter how imploded you once were this season. It’s been fun to watch these guys create some of the most creative losses of the season, and on prime-time, too, but they can’t blow the last game…can they?

EDGE: Deadskins

Enjoy this last gasp of flailing!

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!

Flushing It out: Week 17 for NFL Worst

After two straight weeks of making the wrong losing pick of every game in the NFL, the Oracle from the Basement took the worthless frozen turkey from the freezer, dropped it from a hot air balloon over the Eastern Oregon desert (Harney County) and shot it with an 40 cal. machine gun. It's dead now and good riddance to the featherless blob of bad karma.

For Week 17, which is really week 16 but now we have byes and the season starts in August and the schedule is so stupid we even have Thursday Night Football, the Oracle will make its predictions using a much more scientific method. A Swedish masseuse will play a classic Ginger Baker drum solo on the Oracle's stomach while he burns incense and, in ying-yang honor of Vince Lombardi, chants: "Losing isn't nothing, it's the only thing." During this meditation, he will keep in mind the successful philosophy of George Castanza: "Whatever you think you should do, do the opposite." The Oracle will do this until the game scores just pop into his head, which is right about now. That's Science!

And here are the predictions for ALL games this week:

Green Bay- 28
Detroit- 36

San Francisco- 17
St. Louis- 21

New York Jets- 21
Miami- 28

Buffalo- 24
New England- 21 (OT)

Carolina- 39
New Oreleans- 31

Tennessee- 12
Houston- 28

Indianapolis- 10
Jacksonville- 21

Washington- 10
Philadelphia- 36

Tampa  Bay- 10
Atlanta- 36

Pittsburgh- 14
Cleveland- 17


Kansas City- 21
Denver- 12


San Diego- 14
Oakland- 16


Seattle- 17
Arizona- 21


Dallas- 10
New York Giants- 17


Baltimore-10
Cincinnati- 9

Chicago- 10
Minnesota- 28

The Doormat Division NFL Week 16 Wrap-Up and Disposal!

It's Xmas morning, so I gotta start grilling some coffee for 27 people in a minute:

The MOLDY CARPET runs thru Jacksonville, just like we predicted about 8 weeks ago. The Indianpolis Dolts, insane winners of two in a row (this just isn't done in the Doormat), and the St. Louis Lambs are neck and neck as we near the finish line. The Dolts have to blow it in Gaguar land, and the Lambs just have to lie down peacfully in San Francisco, like the goose egg they put up yesterday in Pittsburgh, and the Trophy goes back to St. Louis. I really can't believe the Dolts can win 3 in a row....but I didn't think they would win 2, so let's just see if the Gags go on vacation early. It's going down to the WIRE. Important timing- the Dolts-Gags game will be over before the the Lambs-Niners game starts, so the Lambs will know if they still have a chance right before kick-off. The Moldy Carpet is ready!

PLAYOFF BOUND!

Perennial losers the Detroit Lions have made the playoffs for the first time since 1492 (1999), and are looking like just maybe they could even win a game, especially if the 49ers get a first round bye. Niner-Lions rematch would be really juicy, however. Lions leave the ranks of the hopeless, leaving behind the Oakland Raiders as Doormat Kings (yes that's right, they really are worse, over a longer period of time, than anybody else). The Raiders, amazingly, can make the playoffs next week, even with Bunglonian Fogman Carson Palmer at the controls. If Tim Tebow can continue to make a nose dive, the Raiders will also climb out of the muck. They are, at least, guaranteed a .500 record, which does keep them off the patio in the Basement (you must lose at least 10 games to be allowed inside). It's such a shame the last game isn't the Raiders and the Buncos in Oakland. But, at least, it will keep down the homicide rate in Oakland for a day.


The 10 Club:

Already in: Tampa Bay Bootineers, St. Louis Lambs, Indianapolis Dolts, Minnesota Yikings, Jacksonville Gaguars.

Just in: Miami Floppers make the 10 club, and look to have nailed down "Best 10 Loss Team in the NFL." How many games can you lose by 7 points or less? Good grief. The Washington Deadskins make the 10 club, amazingly getting farther under the bar than the Minnesota Yikings. If you can lose to the Yikings, you can lose to anybody.

Still hopeful: 2 of the better tank jobs in the league this year- the Kansas City Cheaps and the Buffalo Nils. The Carolina Pansies can also make it, despite Cam Newton's arrival as the best offensive player in the NFL (holy moley look out). And their chances are good- they have to play the Saints and the Saints will still be fighting for a chance to be #2 seed in the NFC, as the 49ers play the late game. This game will be WILD. Tune in if you can.

Special week 16 mentions:

The Tampa Bay Bootineers lose three more fumbles and toss in an interception to nail down Worst Team of the Week for about the 8th week in a row, getting pasted by Carolina 48-16.

Early Doucet of the Arizona Crudinals will never backpedal while wide freaking open with a chance to tie or win the flipping game. Bonehead Forest play of the day.

NFC STANDINGS

St.Louis Lambs 2-13
Minnesota Yikings 3-12
Tampa Bay Bootineers 4-11
Washington Deadskins 5-10
Carolina Pansies 6-9

AFC STANDINGS

Indianapolis Dolts 2-13
Jacksonville Gaguars 4-11
Cleveland Brownies 4-11
Miami Floppers 5-10
Kansas City Cheaps 6-9

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd that's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!

Fantasy League Standings

Hello, Doormat brethren. Are you done watching the Bengal guy do the head first flip into the endzone? No? I'm not.

Due to Xmas Holiday travel, I am not at my Commodore 64 in the broom closet in the basement and therefore must enter my report from the world wide web. Like Santa Claus, our reach is global, though we still retain the personal touch. Unlike Santa, no one has left out edible cookies and are not waiting with baited breath for our arrival with the bag, man. No, my breath does NOT smell like bait. I did the hand-check thing. Thanks for asking. To those of you who follow our blog, we usually keep this side of the blog private, but not today!

Please note: to comment on these standings you must do so here at the blog.

FANTASY LEAGUE:
important note: I blew the math last week. Elvis' real record was 10-18, not 9-19, causing a wave of false hope over by the green drum set in the corner (with the possum nest in the bass drum). see below for ACTUAL record. Drum roll, please.....

Jimbo takes the overall Moldy Carpet Commisioner's Trophy with a week to go!
He can't be caught. With the Dolts inexplicably finding a way to win, and the stalwart contributions from the ever-dependable Cleveland Brownies and the St. Louis Lambs, Jimbo can start making room on his wall for the Grande Plaque du Mold.

Here it is, read 'em and weep:

Jimbo 6-24 (Browns, Rams)
Walkfish 9-21 (Colts, Cardinals)
Elvis 10-20 (Dolphins, Redskins)
Wacko 11-19 (Broncos, Vikings)
DT Rocks 11-19 (Jaguars, Seahawks)
Moose 12-18 (Chiefs, Panthers)

Last year's champ, Moose, comes in last, as the Carolina Panthers finally start sorting out how to play defense, now that it has become obvious they have the best offensive player in the league. Cam Newton is the guy Michael Vick was supposed to be. This guy is going to be just a pleasure to watch for his whole career. I've never seen anything like this guy. Now, if he can just work up a good flip into the endzone, he's gold. People in "Carolina" must just be pinching themselves.

Please note that the singular Moldy Carpet Trophy is still up for grabs. The Dolts and the Lambs are tied (Dolts currently win the tie-breaker, by either our standars - point diff- or the NFL's - strength of schedule). Lambs should lose in a walk in SF next week, but the Dolts are in serious serious danger as they travel to Jacksonville, where hope hasn't had a spring for an eternity.
The Yikings cannot win the Trophy, as they lose all tiebreakers. Sorry, Yikings, you blew it yesterday. They can't do anything right. But we knew that.

Merry Christmas/Pagan Tree Day gentlemen.

Moldy Carpet Clouded in Beer Soaked Fog!!

Indianapolis Colts 19, Houston Texans 16

Never in the NFL, ever, has a team with 1 win beaten a team with 10 or more wins. Until last night! The Dolts, reeling from their first win of the year, can't recover and win another before they know what's happening. Down 16-12 with 2 minutes to go, Dan Orlovsky completes at 40 yard rocket to Reggie Wayne, placing the Dolts deep in Texan territory with a shot to win the game. WTF?? Indy is not used to this. But never fear, as the Texans, who are not interested in the Dolts winning the Andrew Luck Moldy Carpet Sweepstakes, commit 3 penalties, one of which was just about the lamest call I've ever seen, so the refs were in on it, too. After all the yellow flags were retrieved, and the artificial turf settled, the Dolts were at the 1 yard line with 19 seconds to go.
Orlovsky then ended the whole thing with a pass to Reggie Wayne in the end zone. The only thing left to do was to fight over who got the game ball. Wayne and Orlovsky played hot potato for a couple minutes, but Orlovsky took it home.

Dolts rack up an astronomical 320 yards of offense and win their second in a row, which just about no other Doormat has done all year. Their street cred is suddenly shaky. AND MORE IMPORTANT, it's a TIE for first in the Doormat Division!!

Dolts 2-13
Lambs 2-12
Yikings 2-12

Tomorrow is HUGE. the Lambs are at Pittsburgh, with Big Ben most likely sitting this one out and Charlie Batch fumbling around at QB for the Steelers. This gives the Lambs a ghost of a chance. Better start rattling them chains, guys. It's still a tall order. Kellen Clemens gets the call at QB for the Lambs. Lambs still lead the league in giving up long gainers, so just spin a bottle on your Steelers roster, there, and pick somebody to go long.

The Yikings have the Deadskins, and they could actually win that game. It's a toss-up. With the Dolts facing the Gaguars in their final tilt, they could 'win out' the season (try not to laugh, ok?) and finish out of the Moldy Carpet and no Andrew Luck. And no Matt Barkley, because he's staying at USC.

Looks like the Lambs could be ruining Luck's life next season, with Josh McDaniels, the evil mastermind of poorly developed quarterbacks, taking on the mentoring duties. Actually, I doubt the Lambs draft Luck. But, improbably, the Lambs now have the inside track to the Moldy Carpet.

AMAZING!!

The Doomat Division: UPSET WEEKEND!! NFL WEEK 15 Wrap-Up

Just before kickoff Sunday morning I had a revelation. Almost all the games on Sunday were between teams with a winning record and a losing record. There were only 2 doormat games on the schedule. It’s late in the season, teams are desperate in multiple categories. Perfect for upset weekend. But, it was too late to change my predictions, so I had to just sit back and wait for the scores to come in.

WOW. We have a lot of fun with our crummy teams here in the Doormat, but now’s our chance to say man do we love it when we kick some ass. Hats off and a celebratory bonfire of pizza boxes in the Weber this morning on the Basement Patio to our long-suffering, down-trodden, bastions of bumble-tude, the Doormat Division. Forever may they wave the white flag.

Look at all them all:

Chargers 34, Ravens 14

Pheebles 45, Jets 19

Pansies 28, Texans 13

Seahags 38, Bears 14

Deadskins 23, Giants 10

Cheaps 19, Packers 14 !!!!

Indianapolis Colts 27, Tennessee Titans 13 !!!!!!!!!

A-maz-ingly, the Chargers, Cheaps and Pheebles, after all their implosion, can still win their divisions and make the playoffs. The Cards and the Seahags can still make the playoffs. It will take a minor miracle, but I’m not ruling out anything in this wild finish coming up for the next two weeks. I mean, just look at the flop job the Raiders have pulled in the last 3 weeks. Oh, I’m getting dizzy looking up at the top of the standings.

OK, that’s enough of that. This is the land of the Moldy Carpet Trophy, and the whole things is officially up for grabs as of today. Here’s what the PROS did over the weekend:

Indianapolis Colts 27, Tennessee Titans 13

There are no perfect teams left in the NFL today, as the Indianapolis Colts, led by Mr. 0-16, Dan Orlovsky, pull a fast one of the Tennessee Titans. The last time the Colts won a game was 50 weeks ago, and their opponent was…the Titans. They need to work these guys onto the schedule a little more often. The Dolts still only got 10 first downs (not the WORST team this weekend), but capitalized on Titans turnovers, and finally, FINALLY, won a game. I knew Orlovsky was just NOT going to be a 2-Time 0-16 loser. He was their ace in the hole. Shoulda played him sooner.

HOWEVER, the Moldy Carpet is no done deal now, people!!! The Lambs AND the Yikings, who took it to the house on Sunday, are right there at 2-12, and the difference in points, our tiebreaker, is

Dolts -184 , Lambs -180, and the Yikings -112. It’s no lock- Andrew Luck Lock yet.

Final Games:

Lambs: Pittsburgh, San Francisco

Dolts: Houston, Jacksonville

Yikings: Washington, Chicago

Lambs have almost no chance of winning either of those games. Steelers will be seriously pissed off, after last night’s pummeling, but Rothlisberger will take the game off almost for sure. Lambs won’t win. They will, in fact, be lucky to score a touchdown for the rest of the season (God I hate those late garbage time TDs). But they need to lose by wide margins to insure the Dolts don’t pad their points lead. The Dolts could win both their final games, with the Jacksonville game a very real possibility, as those guys may just really tank it for week 17, since they won’t have to worry about being the only team that DIDN’T beat the Dolts. I mean, where’s the motivation now, coach? The Yikings have the toughest schedule, two teams that can lose on any given Sunday, and do it with style. The Deadskins won big yesterday, but so what? The Bears are just a shell of their former selves, with injuries and drug busts hounding them into the woods where they just might hibernate until next May. Yikings have to lose BIG in both games.

It’s going down to the last weekend in Jacksonville.

St. Louis Rams 13, Cincinnati Bengals 20

Underdog Weekend was so complete, this was on TV for the morning game in the Basement. It’s extremely low-tech down here. SACKS: Injured Lambs QB Sam Bradford (36) has lost the sack lead to Alex Smith (39 and 18 in three weeks!) by parking on the bench. However, if you go by teams, the Lambs have 49 total, which leads the league. So it doesn’t matter who’s in there. Nobody’s open and there is no protection. If the Cardinals Kevin Kolb could just keep his butt in a game, he’d run away with the Sack Crown, checking in with 30 in just 9 games- !!!!! The Lambs, once again, did nothing all game, move the ball a bit between their 20 and the 50, and score a meaningless touchdown with a minute to go in the game. Lambs give A.J. Green a big play, Lambs special teams give up 2 big runbacks, and the whole thing is the usual workman-like L that we’ve come to expect from these Doormat Kings. Never ever count this team out of the run to the Moldy Carpet Trophy. They just may nab it.

Minnesota Vikings 20, New Orleans Saints 42

As usual, the Yikings look pretty good in the first half, and then implode in the second half. Somebody fire the conditioning coach. Somebody fire somebody. Bring back the purple pants, at least. What do they DO in there at halftime? Have an Andrew Luck séance? Ever listen to Tom Wait’s “What’s He Doing in There?” It’s like that. The Saints rack up 573 yards of offense. 573. That’s how far my Lincoln gets on a tank of gas. The great thing about the Yikes is, you can turn the ball over just as many times as you like, and they aren’t going to trouble you with it. They just politely punt it back in a few plays. Plus, they’ll give you at least 4 free first downs with a variety of well-timed penalties. These guys need to stop playing indoors. It isn’t working.

Cleveland Browns 17, Arizona Cardinals 20 (OT)

The Brownies hit the 10 Club in style, blowing the lead in the 4^th quarter, and then capitulating in OT just as quickly as possible. The Crudinals have improbably vaulted to an improbable 7-7, and have the most improbobabble outside shot to make the playoffs, besides the 14 other teams with the same odds. It is amazing to me the Brownies can’t even get into field goal range for one of the best kickers in the league, Phil Dawson. He got one shot, and made it. Blank Helmet Football now and forever.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 15, Dallas 31

Make no mistake about it, folks, the Tampa Bay Bootineers are the worst team in football right now. This team is completely off the hook. They are doing it from every angle. An off-the-rails train that is NOT slowing down. What does it say about your team that your longest gainer of the game, and first first down, ends in a fumble? Josh Freeman, Doormat All-Star. The only reason WR Preston Parker didn’t get a fumble is he never caught a pass all game. Dallas needs to bone up on their preparation, and let him catch one. If Freeman and Parker are still on this team next year, we’ll know that the Boots are serious about winning the Moldy Carpet in 2012. These guys are money. Seven first downs, only 43 total plays, and only 8 possesions (I don’t count one play before half-time). Clearly the game plan was to minimize offense and keep their defense on the field for as long as possible, to cut down on turnovers. And it worked! Only one- but it was a signature moment.

Miami Dolphins 30, Buffalo Bills 23

They Did It. With two games to go, the Buffalo Nils get loss number 9. I think they are going to make it- incredible. The 10 Club and keeping their banner on the Doormat Division Masthead. Once 5-2, the Nils have lost 7 straight, have lost linemen, running backs, and just about every conceivable important position player. Ryan Fitzpatrick vaults into the INT lead with 3 more interceptions, and the Nils pull out the orange cone defense that was so popular in the early part of this season. It’s a lot colder in Buffalo this winter than usual.

Special Mention: Raiders 27, Lions 28

Raiders are losing in every way possible. Gonna finish 7-9. It’s real dark in the Black Hole.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWEST NFL WEEK 15 STATS

Points: 10 Giants

First downs 7 Buccaneers

Yards: 190 Buccaneers

Pass: 82 Colts (and they WON)

Run: 58 Buccaneers

Turnovers 4 Steelers, Eagles, Jets (Jets-Eagles game a real doozy)

Sacked: 7 Ravens

Penalties 11-93 Jets (man that Eagles-Jets game a real slop-fest)

aaAAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

More Xmas Shopping

And let's not forget the Colts Xmas gift shop special!

XMAS SHOPPING

The Cleveland Browns have the Dawg Pound. Their Mascot is CHOMPS the Dog. But who has the doggy gear in their store?

The Lambs! WATER BOWL!

PET BANDANA!

DOG COLLAR!!

CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT for the Dog to break with its tail!

The Lambs have just about everything in their store. I just ordered my Lambs On-Demand Water Heater and Lambs Vernacular Front Yard Goat and wire Fencing.

THROWBACK....BACK...WAY BACK....

Since the Cleveland Browns haven't actually changed their uniforms since the Harding administration, they have opted for a different kind of throwback uniform for this weekend's tilt in Phoenix:

With this kind sartorial splendor on display, the Brownies will prepared for anything!

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 15 PREVIEW!

A NEW DOORMAT AXIOM

“No Doormat team will ever win a Thursday night game after a Sunday victory.”

I think you can take that one to the bank. In fact, you can put it on a coffee mug.

Put it on this one:

This mug is perfect for the manly man who wishes to show his allegiance to his favorite sports team around the office. Big enough to hold a triple caramel machiatto with soy foam, this mugs says everything about YOU and your team.

Jacksonville Jaguars 14, Atlanta Falcons 41

I am extremely impressed by this score. Just 4 days after notching a 41-14 victory over the Tampa Bay Bootineers, the Gaguars reverse the numbers exactly, playing a mistake filled balloon popper of a game in Atlanta. Obviously taking their cue from Tampa Bay’s game plan from last Sunday, the Gags fumble the ball away 3 times, including the coveted Sack-Fumble-TD combination that eludes most teams, and salt away this Loss early in the second quarter. Gaguar QB Blaine Gabbert gets thrown to the turf all night in Atlanta, has -1 yards passing in the first half, the Gaguar offense gets over the 50 yard line only twice all night, and the Gags defense was still gassed from last Sunday’s after-party, which probably didn’t end until Monday sometime. After all, there’s no time to waste when it’s a short week- why sleep?

Thursday night football may be murder on everybody, but it’s a lock for a Doormat team and their precious losses. Gags make the “10” club with two games to go. Indianapolis looms in week 17 as their last obstacle to a 12 loss season.

WEEK 15 PREVIEW

Remember, the EDGE goes to the team with best chance to LOSE

Lots of teams will be in the 10 Club after Sunday!

Cleveland Browns (4-9) at University of Phoenix Cardinals (6-7)

The Crudinals still think it’s last year, like the Seahags, chasing the NFC Worst crown at 6-7, confident in their chances to win the division with a losing record. The 49ers are so far out in front that they are just a dot on the horizon. So, one must cut these guys some slack. After all, looking way downfield is not their strong suit. However, they got a good look at the 49ers last week, and beat their sorry asses.

This game has humongous Doormat importance here in the Basement, because, if you look at our fanstasy standings there on the homepage, Walkfish (Dolts-Cruds) and Jimbo (Lambs- Brownies) are tied for first place, and they each own one of these teams. This is it! So let’s get as low to the rug-burn as possible here:

Colt McCoy is still woozy from last week’s monster clocking, and back-up Elf Seneca Wallace is warming up right now! The Browns have absolutely no game on offense. It’s clinical and historic at this point. It’s been going on for years, now, and no amount of Chomps dinner cereal is going to alter that, even if the entire front office is eating their portions out of Chomps water bowls (which, amazingly, the Browns store DOES NOT OFFER). Seneca Wallace will be an improvement, because the Crudinals will be throwing the kitchen sink blitz at them all day. He won’t be able to see over the line, but that’s OK, because he’ll be running away from it the whole day. The only long drives remotely related to the Browns on Sunday is if you take these to the links with you

Things are so bad in Brownie land, that their official website’s big news this morning was the countdown to tickets going on sale for Kenny Chesney and Tim McGraw concert at the Brownie Bake-Sale Stadium. Dawg Pound shame.

The Brownies have just about zero run defense, so look for Beanie Wells to get over 150 yards for the Crud, but expect John Skelton to get completely stuffed by the Browns pass defense, which is actually quite good (2^nd in the league). Of course, part of that statistic is inflated because teams just don’t bother to throw and just run over them. This game should be an epic stiff.

EDGE: Brownies.

THE REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL

Tennessee Titans (7-6) at Indianapolis Colts (0-13)

Still just two perfect teams in this league. The Titans are just barely maintaining respectability, but they’ll get a lot of it in Indy on Sunday. Dolts will fight like crazy in this one, which may or may not be noticeable.

EDGE: DOLTS

New Orleans Saints (10-3) at Minnesota Vikings (2-11)

The Saints are about to pass the 49ers (the biggest playoff posers this year) for second seed in the NFC. The Yikings will host the event. The only question is- will the Yikes build a lead and blow it, or fall way behind and stage a futile comeback? Decisions, decisions. Saints tend to play down to Doormats the week after they beat another one…but last week they beat the Titans, so keep the heater on in the RV in the parking lot, descendants of Erik the Red. Pour another beer into your Viking horn and avert your eyes. It’s going to be a Doormat special delivery.

EDGE: Yikings by a very very wide margin

Cincinnati Bengals (7-6) at St. Louis Lambs (2-11)

Ever notice how I can’t type RAMS anymore, even when I’m supposed to? The Lambs, waaaay back there in the off-season, made the most shrewd, brilliant, classic Lamb maneuver (Lamb manure?) , hiring ex-Bronco head coach Josh McDaniels as offensive coordinator. Never mind that Mr. McDaniels’ only real credential was that he was the illegal video-tape guy for Patriots coach Bill Bellicose, which got him the job of running the Denver Broncos into the ditch, and turning Kyle Orton into a confused bench riding young QB. CLEARLY this is just the sort of man the Lambs were looking for to help develop Sam Bradford (who needs no introduction here in the Basement) , from a sensitive, eager competitor to a frustrated, battered bust. The Lamb staff was so confident in this combination that they didn’t bother to hire a QB coach, which makes them unique among the 32 teams in the league. The result? A league low 6 touchdown passes and a league leading 46 sacks, and a QB who undoubtedly tries to avoid eye contact when he sees McDaniels coming.

The Bengals, on the other hand, are wobbling towards the old home turf, our place, going 1-3 in the last 4 games (with the Brownies being the only victory). Carson Palmer may have taken a big chunk of Bunglonian fog with him to Oakland (13 INTs in 9 games), but the Bungles aren’t out of the woods yet. Lose this one and 7-9 doesn’t look impossible.

EDGE: LAMBS

Seattle Seahawks (6-7) at Chicago (7-6)

The Bears have been a Doormat guest ever since Jay Cutler went down. We’ll send some flowers over to Soldier Field. Seahags seemed to have figured out how to hand Marshawn Lynch the ball. It’s called a hand-off. The only real question regarding this game is: will there be a touchdown?

EDGE: I can’t believe I’m saying this- BEARS

NY JETS (8-5) at Philadelphia Eagles (5-8)

The Pheebles won in Miami last week. That’s enough of that.

EDGE: Pheebles

Dallas (7-6) at Tampa Bay (4-9)

This is the time of year that select teams just give up. 3 games to go, the season is hopeless, you just hope you don’t get injured and screw up your chances on the free agent market and get somewhere, anywhere, far from the pit. Tampa Bay has been tanking for 7 straight games, and though the Cowboys are no Packers (nyah-nyah-nya-nyah!!!), the Bootineers are in a league by themselves.

EDGE: Bootineers

Washington Redskins (4-9) at NY Giants (7-6)

Nobody is a lock to win in the NFC East. The Deadskins will make it close, and somebody is going to blow it at the last second. I’m going with Mike Shanahan’s outfit, they’ve had better results.

EDGE: Deadskins

Miami (4-9) at Buffalo (5-8)

Can Ryan Fitzpatrick rack up 3 more INTs? The man is on a roll. Floppers returned to horrific play last week. It’s gonna be ugly on the shores of Lake Erie.

EDGE: Floppers

Green Bay Packers (13-0) at Kansas City Chiefs (5-8)

Oh, dear. I thought there was some rule about these kind of games not being allowed.

Cheaps try their first game of freedom from Haley. It isn’t going to help.

EDGE by just a huge margin: CHEAPS

Carolina Panthers (4-9) at Houston Texans (10-3)

Cam Newton has the chance to become the first QB in NFL history to amass 4000 yards passing and 500 yards running. Add to this the very real possibility of making the “10” Club, and it’s drinks on the house in Basement.

EDGE: Pansies.

aaaaAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

Worst of the NFL Week 15 Predictions

Put some power in the offensive line 

Yes, that is a photo of the Four Horsemen of Nortre Dame, and now we know why they were so unstoppable, because they rode horses. I wouldn't want to tackle that with my bare hands.

Which brings us to Week 14 of the NFL. There are many teams floundering and foundering and just all-around stinking up the stadium. Some of them need to turn it around fast or they will be toast for the season. Maybe the Giants can take a cue from these guys and convert the offensive line to light cavalry. They are going to need it. The Indianapolis Colts could use real colts, but they would probably need those for a fast getaway cause the folks is mad in Indy! Chargers could use a few chargers, too.

But we aren't here for the teams that are on oxygen but still have a glimmer of hope to make the playoffs or at least reach .500. No, we are here for the teams that are DOA but somehow, like night of the living dead, still manage to stagger onto the field.

Indianapolis fans cheer on their Dolts.

And so the Oracle from the Basement has revved up the turntable and I am now spinning "Black Sabbath" by, well, Black Sabbath, "Oh, no, please God help me!" Because this weekend my TV listing is for the Cleveland Browns vs. Arizona Cardinals game. I'm gonna have to eat a lot of chips.

The frozen turkey is spinning as well, and here are the predictions. Vegas, here is your cue. Gentlemen, weigh in!

(By the way, I do include my Gaguars prediction. I swear I wrote these down before Wednesday!)

Jacksonville- 0
Atlanta- 50

Dallas- 17
Tampa Bay- 14

Miami- 38
Buffalo- 10

Seattle- 13
Chicago- 27

Tennessee- 10
Indianapolis- 9

Green Bay- 72
Kansas City- 0

Cincinnati- 36
St. Louis- 13

New Orleans- 38
Minnesota- 24

Redskins- 24
New York Giants- 21

Jacksonville- 21
Houston- 24

New England- 42
Denver- 14

New York Jets- 28
Philadelphia- 17

Cleveland- 3
Arizona- 13

Breakfast of Chumpions

The Secret to the Cleveland Brownies Doormat success finally revealed:

CHOMPS DINNER CEREAL!!!!!!

Have a bowl! Have seven!

And, soon, you too will be saying, “ Well If you can’t beat them, beat yourself.”

Now in these salivating flavors:

Leftovers

Loaf

Carpet

Pizza Box

Smells

Wienies in Aspic

and Regular

Chomps Dinner Cereal- How bad could it be?

Chomps- take a bite outta good food!

CHOMPS- Get Yours TODAY!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL Week 14 Wrap-Up and Disposal!

I was over at a friend’s house recently, and noticed that he put virtually everything possible down the garbage disposal. He told me he’d even attempted corn husks and artichokes. I’d never seen an artichoke any where near him, and he admitted he’d gone out and bought an artichoke just to see if it would go down.

Well, there’s a LOT of things that won’t go down the garbage disposal, but they sure are in the dumpster out back today, staying fresh in the brisk winter air.

The trash is brimming with ex-coaches today, with Todd Haley and Tony Sparano joining the still well-preserved Jack del Rio on the pile out back. And, the effects have been, well, not immediate, but dramatic!

Jacksonville Jaguars 41 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 14

I’d like to say that the Gaguars have exploded out of the shackles that Jack del Rio held them in for the last 4 seasons, putting up 41 points for the first time since 2007. And it’s true- the Gags were pretty insane yesterday. But, that would be short-changing the Bootineers, and that just isn’t fair. Tampa did it all.

6 fumbles, 4 lost! 3 interceptions! After getting off to a shocking 14-0 lead, the Bootineers turn it up to blazing hot in Doormat play- unmatched by any team this year. WR Preston Parker, the man who fumbles more often than anybody else in this league, starts it off with a boot at his own 20, the ball rolls to the 8 and is scooped up by the Gaguars- TOUCHDOWN! Picking up on this cue, Josh Freeman (who has catapulted into the INT lead with 18) pulls the Sack-n-fumble-n-TOUCHDOWN just two possessions later. The Bootineers make Blain Gabbert look like Tom Brady, leaving guys so wide open that it appeared that there was confusion as to which field the game was being played on. Toss in 12 penalties for 97 yards and 4 free first downs, and you’ve got just about the best Doormat game of the season by a team that had a winning record just seven glaring losses ago. From 4-2 and talking trash to 4-9 and firmly in the trash and 3^rd place in the NFC Doormat Division. With dedication and focus you can accomplish anything.

Yes, that's Len Dawson's helmet.

Kansas City Cheaps 10, New York Jets 37

Not sure what the thinking was, picking the Cheaps to win this game. The Jets are fighting for their playoff lives. The Cheaps had only one thing to play for- getting Todd Haley fired. Mission accomplished. Maybe now they can install an offense.

Miami Dolphins 10, Philadephia Eagles 26

11 first downs, sacked 9 times, 3 turnovers, giftwrapped touchdowns. The Floppers return to stinker play against the most imploded team of the season, and get way under the bar with the kind of effort that gets your coach fired. Mission accomplished.

Andy Reid gets to hang around the post-game spread, though is limited to the carrot and broccoli plate. Eagles still get in 2 turnovers and 10 punts.

Denver Broncos 13, Chicago Bears 10 (OT)

The Broncos have a winning record now. 3 games over .500. Thank God I don’t have to write about them anymore. When is this going to stop?

Carolina Panthers 23, Atlanta Falcons 31

The Pansies rocket out to a 23-7 halftime lead, celebrate their victory in the locker room, and come out flat as a poacher’s throw rug and get waxed by the Falcons. Pansies join the 4-9 logjam for 3^rd in the NFC Doormat.

Washington Redskins 27, New England Patriots 34

Almost is good enough in the Basement. Hats off to the Deadskins for being part of Almost Upset Weekend, playing the Pats even for three quarters- and then pulling out the loss. Phew! 4-9 and right there for 3^rd place!

Buffalo Bills 10, San Diego Chargers 37

Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick continues the interception hijinks, checking in with 3 (16 on the season), and giving himself a shot at nabbing the INT crown for 2011 with just 3 games to go. At 5-8 the Nils are squarely back in the Basement, and have excellent chance to make it to 10 losses. Chargers have waited until too late to start playing with some discipline. Posers.

OKAY FINALLY Let’s Cover the PROS

Minnesota Vikings 28, Detroit Lions 34

They’ve dispensed with the Come From Ahead losses now. The Yikes go for the jugular in the first half, getting buried in the Kat Box 31-14 after two quarters. But wait! What’s this- a Futile Comeback? Yes! Trailing by only 6 points with 3:32 left in the game, the Yikings get all the way to the Detroit 2 with 9 seconds to go, and ….get sacked and fumble and blow the whole thing. Coming close is what makes a Doormat Champion and these guys still have a chance to win the NFC, standing low at 2-11.

St. Louis Lambs 13, Seattle Seahawks 30

But, the Yikings have the Lambs to contend with, and that’s a load. The Lambs score a late, pointless touchdown (taking around 23 plays from the 1, with a pass interference call, to score), wrecking their chances to get under 10 points a game. Something needs to be done about this, these late game garbage time touchdowns. I propose only getting 4 points for them. Lambs continue the big play defense, giving up two long kickoff returns. Go with what brought you here. Lambs going strong, 2-11 and with the Bengals, Steelers and 49ers on their schedule, they have the inside track to finish 2-14.

And Last, and most Mighty in the Doormat,

Indianapolis Colts 10, Baltimore Ravens 24

0-13. Three games to go. Can they make it? Titans next week! That final Jaguars game looking less scary now, now that Del Rio got thrown in the dumpster and the Gags are playing with fire. Dolts can’t run, can’t pass, and can’t play defense. They probably can’t make a decent cup of coffee. Probably that 'crayon coffee' that is lying in wait for you at midwestern diners. Piping hot and with at least 2 brown crayons!

NFL Week 14 Worst Stats

Points 3 Brownies

First downs 11 Floppers

Yards 167 Dolts

Rush 50 Dolts

Pass 117 Dolts

Turnovers 7 Bootineers

Sacked 9 Floppers

Punts 11 Bears (never seen somebody get 11 punts in two weeks in a row.)

Penalties 12-97 Bootineers

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

Gods of the Doormat

Cleveland Browns 3, Pittsburgh Steelers 14

How many Colt McCoy jerseys are in garbage cans this morning in the greater Cleveland metropolitan area, do you suppose?

If you haven’t seen the Cleveland Brownies play football, you haven’t seen Doormat expertise at it’s finest. Trailing 7-3 in the 4^th quarter, showing absolutely no life since the opening drive of the game (the ever-ominous opening-drive field goal), the Brownies snag a Ben Rothlisberger pass deep in their own territory and run it out to the 44. Somehow the Brownies get a first down. But then, the offensive line clears the runway for #92, James Harrison of the Steelers, really clocking QB Colt McCoy- knocking him woozy and to the sidelines. But wait! Roughing the passer. Ball moves to the 19. Brownies at this point are in serious jeopardy of taking the lead, and though plenty of time is left to still lose, the threat of victory looms. Backup QB Seneca Wallace enters the game. The NFL’s shortest QB then rifles a 13 yard pass for a first down at the 5 yard line. Wow!

Whoa right there. This is no time to wreck your 28^th in the league 40.74 % conversion rate in the red zone. You could still catch the Lambs (37.5 %). If you were the coach, what would YOU do? Have the fleet footed Wallace run a naked bootleg? Are you KIDDING? No, send the man who is 0-8 lifetime against his AFC North opponents- the fuzzy headed Colt McCoy- back out there for this:

Intentional grounding (actually, he was down and it shoulda been a sack), pushing the the Brownies back to the 16, where, on 3^rd down, Colt holds onto the ball long enough so every single Steeler defender can see where he’s looking, though it’s debatable whether Colt knew, and he chooses William Gay for the interception. Done! Whew, that was close.

Now, what do you follow that game-killer play with? Why, the longest gainer of the day for the Steelers, a 79-yard romp of a pass play TD that secures the loss. Game Over!

The loss improves Cleveland’s record to 4-9, and they’ve now nailed down 15 of the last 16 losses against Pittsburgh. That’s 8 years. 8. Brownies, at this point, could lose the remaining games still, finish 4-12 (they were once 3-3 a frightening brush with a winning record), and maybe get Matt Barkley in the draft. Should they be trying to improve, though I am not sure why a team with these kind of Doormat skills would do that. It’s just poetry in motion.