The Doormat Division 2011 Week IV Preview

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK IV PREVIEW

It’s been hot the last few days. It’s really best if it doesn’t get too warm down here in the basement. The carpet warms up and…maybe I’ll type this outside. There’s gotta be a reeeeeeeeeealllllllly long extension cord around here somewhere. That sounds a lot like work. Maybe I’ll just light some early ‘60s incense- tobacco. That’ll cover up anything.

It’s Week IV, Doormat denizens, and if you can’t get on the losing bandwagon this week, you may be destined to another 7-9 year of parity and boredom. You either want to win big or lose big in this league. Kinda like our country these days. How come the NFL is interested in parity, anyway? What is this, SWEDEN???

Speaking of Scandahoovanians:

THE GAME OF THE WEEK

Yikings (0-3) at Cheaps (0-3)

Ah, remember the good old days? Back when the Cheaps won something, and the Yikes…well, never mind. There are no good old days for the Yikings. Believe me, I KNOW. The Yikes bring their incredible 3 game Come From Ahead streak into Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium, and it’s going to be tough loss to nail down. Why? The Cheaps, over their last 5 games, are averaging 8.8 points a game. They are LAST in the league in offense and defense. Until last week, the Cheaps hadn’t even scored in the second half.

So, pulling off a come from ahead is a TALL order for the Yikes, and most likely the streak will be broken. But not all is lost! The Cheaps did rally for 17 points last week, and didn’t nail down the loss until Matt Cassel hurled an INT late in the game. So, it could happen. And my brothers could ask me if I’ve written any songs lately, too.

The Yikes have won exactly ONCE in KC, in 1974. The Doormat wisdom: If you can’t hold a lead, don’t get one. The Yikes will be focused on maintaining the same level of play for the whole game, so to avoid pooping out in the 2^nd half yet again, they’ll pace themselves, and play like crap from the kickoff. In fact, they’ll play like crap on the bus coming down I-35. This should be decided by a field goal…in the second quarter. EDGE: YIKINGS

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Pansies (1-2) at Bears (1-2)

If the Bears can lose to Carolina, we’ll have to start recognizing them. We want to, but last year they made the playoffs (and looked like Doormat material in the final game). But this is the game. No more pussyfooting around. Pansy pass defense should make Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler look like Cam Newton, but it may not be enough. Pansies are really in danger of winning any game against another commie-pinko Parity Team. Cam Newton has not yet had a miracle finish game. Chances are… EDGE: BEARS

Falcons (1-2) at Seahags (1-2)

The Falcons can’t really have the same record as the Hags, right? Is that right?

That’ll change come Sunday. Lights out at Pork Link Field. EDGE: HAGS

COUNTDOWN TO UNEMPLOYMENT

Saints (2-1) at Gaguars (1-2)

Every year it looks like the Gags are finally going to fire Jack del Rio, and then the team wins a flurry of games at the end of the season, and his sorry ass stays in Jacksonville. Who else fires their starting quarterback just before the season 2 years in a row? Nobody. You Gaguar fans with shrines and voo-doo dolls and fervent prayers asking for release from this land of morale stomping, and really truly unimaginative offense, your luck is turning. The Saints are bringing you some serious ju-ju, monkey hands, and gris-gris, just for you. But you still are in the serious hunt for the Moldy Carpet. EDGE: GAGUARS

Floppers (0-3) at San Diego (2-1)

Name the Miami coach. I dare you. Pretty soon you won’t have to. EDGE: FLOPPERS

THE REST OF THE PILE UP OF FUMBLING INEPTITUDE

Donkeys (1-2) at Packers (3-0)

Blowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwout of the Week. Denver fans, just pray that Tony Sparano (that’s his name!) keeps his job in Miami until at least Week VII. That’s your next shot at a victory. Clean your garage on Sunday, OK? EDGE: Donkeys

Deadskins (2-1) at Lambs (0-3)

The Lambs really are showing how it’s done. 8 years without a winning record is not something to be sniffed at. In fact, I’d stand back a couple yards. Averaging 1 touchdown and nearly 3 fumbles a game, the Lambs are scraping the bottom of the league in every catergory, except punts per game, a lowly 6.5. But the good old Bungle Axiom- A fumble is As Good as A Punt- applies here. Also, getting sacked 4 times a game ain’t chopped liver. Shockingly, the Deadskins are going to 3-1. EDGE: Lambs

Bills (3-0) at Bungles (1-2)

Uh-oh. The quagmire at Brown Pall Stadium looms at the Bills. “Don’t leave us,” the Bungles cry. The Bills better wear earplugs, because the siren song of the Moldy Carpet is very loud in Cincinnati. I’m not kidding on this, this game is the biggest test of the year for these guys. The Bungles’ defense is ranked 5^th, but they’ve played mediocrity incarnate so far this year, so the jury is…being selected for the various Bungles who are out on bond. EDGE: Bungles

Giants (2-1) at Crudinals (1-2)

The Giant come into We’re Not the University of Phoenix Cardinals stadium and pummel the Crud. The Crud have improved their situation. They have more TDs than INTs, less sacks, and have crept up to 27^th in the league in offense. The don’t give up a lot of points (but a TON of yardage), but look at their competition: Pansies, Deadskins, Seahags. They won’t beat anybody except a Doormat or maybe a commie-pinko Parity team. The Giants are not enough parity at this time. EDGE: CRUD

And finally on Monday night, another game of national embarrassment:

Dolts (0-3) at Bootineers (2-1)

Winning record aside, Boots QB Josh Freeman is still averaging more interceptions than TDs, so he’s not gone all winner on us yet. Kerry Collins has thrown only 1 interception. And that’s it for the superlatives! EDGE: DOLTS

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!

NFL Week 4 Doormat Division Predictions

Yikings introduce new "on the knee"  formation

It's week 4 in the NFL and the basement denizens of the Doormat Division are still recovering from last week's epic displays of ineptitude and futility, not to mention the all-out head-first dives into the beer vat celebrating the exit of two teams from the basement: Buffalo and Detroit.

But now it's time for the Oracle from the Basement to speak again. We spin the frozen turkey and the headless neck points to these fateful scores. Gentlemen, make your predictions:

Pansie- 14
Care Bears- 10
(Yes, another mirage from last year, Chicago, will edge closer to the shadowy doorway to the basement. The surging Pansies just might push them down the steps)

Bills- 18
Bungles- 10

Titanics- 17
Brownies-13

Kittens- 36
Cowpies- 10

Yikings- 3
Cheeps- 0
(Stiff of the week)

Deadskins- 28
Lambs- 6

Ain'ts- 50
Gaguars-- 10

Giants- 18
Crudinals- 3

Patsiettes-21
Raydurz- 28

Buncos- 10
Packers- 36

Floppers- 10
Bolts- 18

Seahags-6
Falcons- 17

And that's how the turkey spins.....

The Doormat Division: Weak III Wrap Up and Disposal

WEEK III WRAP UP AND DROP KICK INTO THE NEXT STATE

Good morning, bleary eyed Doormat denizens. Things are coming into focus any second now, and though we have FIVE 0-3 teams driving their future and fans directly into a fetid ditch of football futility, today’s column is all about the guys leaving the club.

ADIOS Nils!!!!

Buffalo BILLS 34, Patsies 31

In a game they won’t soon forget in upstate New York, across Lake Erie, and throughout the Buffalo Universe (I’m sure that includes a stocking cap and a huge down parka), the Nils come from behind AGAIN, this time against eternal nemesis the New England Patriots. The last time the Nils beat the Pats, it was 1777. I’m sure it felt like it. How many times can you stand to watch Tom Terrific, who looks like he’s 9 feet tall back there, getting enough time to watch Lord of the Rings in the pocket while he handsomely arcs passes to gazelle-like receivers and all your women seem to be wearing their best push-up bras to the game? Huh? Little tired of that?? Not that you mind the fashion statement, but it's for the WRONG TEAM.

It’s different in Buffalo now. The fans, staring down the barrel of a 21-3 Pats lead, did not slump into their $9 beer and start fumbling in their coat pockets for whatever it was they snuck into the game. They kept rocking and screaming and the team didn’t let them down. Intercepting Brady FOUR TIMES in the second half, one for a TD, the Nils stage a furious rally, piling up 448 total yards and kicking the Pats off the field with a boot from Rian Lindell from 28 yards as time expired. The place went so nuts, the cops just lowered the goal posts FIRST, before anybody even got on the field!!

The Nils still have a pretty atrocious defense, folks, but BOY can they score. Just like the Doormat Division predicted, all those games they barely lost year, they should barely win this year. And they’re doing it. 3-0 and ATOP the AFC East, thanks in part to fellow ex-Doormat the Oakland Raiders stomping the New York Jets yesterday.

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS! Please, don’t come back for a while, okay? It’s kinda crowded down here.

ADIOS, KITTENS!!

Detroit Lions 26 Mini-ha-ha Yikings 23 (OT)

The Yikes did it again! Wow!!! In four years of Doormat coverage, no team has pulled off three legitimate Come From Ahead losses in a row. This time, the Yikes rolled some big blunts in the locker room at halftime, safely ahead 20-0. STUMBLING out of the tunnel in a cloud of smoke….all right, all right, I didn’t see any smoke. But, the Lions hadn’t beat the Yikes on their home turf since 1997..which sounds about right, because the Lions haven’t beaten anybody since 1997. I mean, we’ll be saying stuff like that all year if they keep winning. Whatever it is the Yikes are doing in the locker room at halftime, keep it up guys! You’ve got NFC Doormat Champion written all over you. The Moldy Carpet is pointing towards Minneapolis.

The Kittens rocket to 3-0, first time in 31 years, yup, and the Yikes plummet to 0-3. Two more games before the Yikes completely give up for the whole game, instead of just half. Not that it matters. Up next for the Yikes- the CHEAPS!! Doormat game of the week for Week IV.

GOODBYE KITTENS! Unless, of course, Stafford gets injured and the wheels come off immediately.

ADIOS RAYDURZ!!

Raydurz 34 Crop Duster Bi-Planes 24

That loss to Buffalo doesn’t look so bad now, do it? The Oakland Raiders get up off the mat, and take it to the NY Jets, basically running OVER the Jets with the best running back in the league, Darren McFadden, blowing through holes the Black Swan could navigate through. ARR!!!

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS! Pass the rum.

Okay, enough of these winners. Let’s get on the right side of losing here. There were at least 4 really stink-o games yesterday, but we’d better lead off with a Doormat powerhouse:

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK!

Lambs 7, Ravens 37

The Lambs were picked by many people to win the NFC Worst this year…including us (with a losing record, of course). The Lambs are not going quietly into the Doormat night people. 3 weeks, 3 losses, and this one looked really bad. Spotting the Ravens to a 30-0 lead, the Rams then scored a touchdown. Okay, good enough! The Rams put on a Punt Punt and Punt event for the 1^st quarter, getting in FIVE of them, which would average out to 20 for a game, and at the same time, moving the Ravens into a masterful lead of 21-0. Nobody throws a game better than the Lambs. I mean it. Shaking things up for the 2^nd quarter, the Lambs go for an interception, some more punts, and an array of penalties that would impress the Raiders. The Lambs are the team to beat- get in line, everyone- in the NFC.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

0-for-9ers 13, Bungles 8

Okay, this was my official Doormat coverage game, and it didn’t disappoint. Our first true Stiff of the year. Even the score is a tip-off. ONE TOUCHDOWN. 14 punts. A really stupid intentional safety by the Niners that gave the Bungles a shot to win the game, which they immediately shot down with a total bone-head cheap shot hit on the ensuing punt-off that took them out of Hail Mary range. It was that kind of game, with each team out-Darwin-ing the other one play after another. Penalties, fumbles, interceptions, and just plain shoddy SHODDY execution. This stuff doesn’t happen by accident, people. They just kept coming. The Bungles didn’t convert a 3^rd down until 12:00 in the 3^rd quarter. 1-10 on the game. The 0-fers didn’t get across midfield until the mid-point of the 3^rd quarter, and that’s because they started at their 42!! 0-fer QB Alex Smith was given exactly .000000000003 seconds to drop back and pass all day, and the miscommunication on the offensive line was Doormat All-Star. There was so much gesticulating, I thought they were going to break into “Hand Jive.” It was that kind of day.

Inept offense will out-bungle inept defense every time, and that’s how the Bungles pulled out the loss. After the 0-fers lone touchdown in the 4^th quarter, A.J. Dalton followed up on the next play with a perfect pass to 0-fer-9 cornerback Carlos Rogers. Game over.

One drive stands out: First and goal for the 0-fer-9ers. Offsides, Niners. Then, personal foul Bungles, automatic first down at the 3. Then, false start, Niners (something like 8 for the game). First down at the 8. Then, 3 crumbles by the O-line, and a field goal. Now that’s what I call RED ZONE conversion, Doormat style!!

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Floppers 16, Brownie-Bake-Sale 17

If you can lose in Cleveland, you are on your way. The Floppers are no longer under the radar in the Doormat. Keep an eye on these guys. They’ve got potential.

Cheaps 17, Chargers 20

Cheaps keep it going with narrow loss, but a loss all the same. 0-3 and maybe we should go shopping for some new wallpaper for the basement. That Pansy wallpaper isn’t going to last, I can tell.

Dolts 20, Steelers 23

Dolts also keep it close, and were, in fact, AHEAD in this game until the 4^th quarter, when the Steelers finally realized the Dolts would just give them the game, if they’d just ask. Losing in the final seconds on a field goal is how you end up at the bottom of the standings, but in FIRST in the Doormat. Dolts still perfect 0-3.

Donkeys 14, Titans 17

Donkey-Buncos may not be SUPER BAD, but they are trying. If you can keep your yardage under 250, you’ve got a fighting chance to lose. The defenses haven’t caught up to the offenses completely, but training camp is finally over in week III. Donkeys may not get 2 touchdowns again for a while.

Pansies 16, Gaguars 10

Walkfish called it. Pansies last best chance to win one before playing teams with playoff aspirations. Gaguars may be really bad. Pansies will be hard pressed to repeat as Doormat champs. Cam Newton just too much football player to succumb to the culture of losing. Insane team owner or not.

HAGS 13, Crudinals 10

If it wasn’t for the Bungles-Niners game, this is Stiff of the Week. Like we said, you just can’t lose them all in the NFC Worst. The Hags, faced with great field position most of the game, just couldn’t pull out the loss. After scoring their 1 touchdown in the 3^rd quarter, the Hags punt on their last 5 possessions, all to no avail. The Crud finish their scoring early in the second quarter, and barely even bother to get a first down the rest of the game. It’s the kind of game where, if you are at the stadium, you really don’t remember the entire second half, because, well, you were watching the seagulls, and other things that move.

THIS WEEK’S SUPER LOWS

Points: 7 Lambs

First downs: 12 Bears

Yards: 231 Donkeys

Rush: 13 Bears

Pass: 171 Cheaps (edging out the Donks by a yard)

3^rd down conv 1-10 Bungles

Sacks 5 multiple teams.

Punts 8 Pansies

Penalties 12 0-fer-9ers

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK III PREVIEW!

The Doormat Division: Week III Preview!

Time to start separating the men from the bumbling knuckleheads!

Games of the Week

*remember now, The Edge goes to the team most likely to LOSE.

Arizona Crudinals at Seattle Seahags

Now, there has to be better things to do in Seattle than witness this. Have somebody throw at fish at you in Pike Market, for example. But to us, this is the marquee game of the week! Can the Hags go 0-3, and officially throw their hat into the Andrew Luck/Moldy Carpet Sweepstakes? Why else would you start Tavaris Jackson? The Yikings were thrilled to see the door whack him on the butt on his way out , and see what it did for them. The Hags tend to play well at home, though I just am not sure what ‘well’ is for this sinking ship of fools. The Crud bring NFC passing juggernaut Kevin Kolb (I bet the Eagles still wish he was backing up Mr. Vick) into Century Stink Field for a puntfest of epic proportions. Epic. 15 punts. EDGE: Hags

Floppers at Brownies’ Bake Sale

Huge test for the Floppers 0-2 start. If you can lose to the Brownies in Cleveland, you can lose anywhere. EDGE: Floppers

0-for-9ers at Bungles (Stiff of the Week)

The 0-for-9ers continue their glory days memory lane tour with a stop at Brown Pall Stadium. Following their sparkling Come From Ahead loss to the Cowboys last week, the Niners will play exactly the same as they always do. Mediocre. The Bungles, bad as they are, haven’t forgotten getting edged TWICE in the Super Bowl to these insufferable wine and cheese fancy pants from California. The Bungles are off their training regimen, as WR Jerome Simpson and OL Anthony Collins blew the drop in Kentucky for the team shipment of 2.5lbs of pot. There was already 6 pounds in the house and just the aroma was so strong that all parties, including the cops, got… kinda…. distracted…. so no arrests were made. But God knows what the Bungles are having to smoke in the tunnel at haltime, so look for them to be OFF their game. Which might mean playing better. They haven’t commited a turnover yet this season (that can’t last now). The Niners play like Doormat champs on the road.

Edge: 0-for-9ers

Reality Check, Please!

New England Pats at Buffalo Nils (Hralph Stadium)

Nils are racking up the points and having an awfully good time. The giant inflated balloon of hope is falling into a barrel and going over Niagra this Sunday. EDGE: Nils

BLOWOUTS of the WEAK

Detroit Lions at Yikings

The Ex-Kittens come into Maul of America stadium for a right proper mauling of the Yikes, who won’t get another Come from Ahead Loss here, unless they get a cheap shot field goal to start the game (always a good indicator of bad things to come). Believe me, the Lions can’t WAIT for this game to start, and to start kicking NFC North rivals into the basement all season long. EDGE: Yikings

Pittsburgh Steelers at Indianapolis Dolts

Can the Steelers toss another shutout? Why not? Kerry Collins goes for negative yardage. Dolts go for negative everything. Humongous Edge: DOLTS

Cheaps at San Diego

You never know with AFC West games, reality doesn’t really apply way out here on the coast, where somedays the weather alone makes you think you might be on a psychedelic of some kind. The Cheaps are on a really really bad trip, and it doesn’t end here. Edge: Cheaps

Ravens at Lambs

Lambs still have a really good chance of winning the NFC West. AND winning the Moldy Carpet. I don’t see why you can’t have both. Without Stephen Jackson, the Lambs are no longer 1-dimensional. EDGE: Lambs

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Donkeys at Titanics

Titans won last week. They are at home. They have a football. That’s good enough for me. Edge: Donks

Jets at Raydurz

Raydurz have a defense full of comedians. Every penalty is exquisitely well placed. Al Davis is still alive. Despite this, I still give the Raydurz a chance to actually win this game. But not enough of a chance. EDGE: Raydurz

Jesus, how many Doormat teams are there? There’s too much parity. Let’s get some serious SERIOUS LOSERS here, okay? No more pretenders by week 4.

Jacksonville at Pansies

Pansies should get about 3 yards rushing against the Jags, and Cam Newton gets to try to thread the needle and be Michael Jordan in pads for another week. Edge: Pansies

DEADSKINS at COWPIES

Tony Romo has a cracked rib and punctured lung. So? Stop faking it, you attention seeking prima donna and get out there! You can’t let the Deadskins get away with leading the NFC East! EDGE: Deadskins

aaaaAAAAAAAAAND THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!

Onion Peels Seahags

This really is choking the hag.
onion

NFL Doormats Week 3 Predictions

It's NFL Week 3 and oddsmakers are taking bets, but here in the Doormat room the only thing we are taking is orders for pizza because it's going to be a long weekend in the cellar. Pull up your favorite moldy recliner with the cigar burns in it and get out your scorecard. The Oracle From the Basement belches and makes these predictions.

Gentlemen, please post your predictions as well! And welcome Colts to the Doormat DIvision!

Pats- 48
Nils-3
(It's time for a wake up call in Buffalo)

0-4-9ers- 10
Bungles- 7

Floppers- 17
Brownies- 13
 (It might be time for the Brownies to get back in the basement. After all, they are on the Doormat Division website banner!)

Buncos- 24
Titanics- 28

Kittens- 36
Yikings- 7

Gaguars- 9
Pansies- 28
(Cam gets his first win and only one for a while)

Jets- 48
Raydurz- 10
(Sorry, Raydurz, Jets are in the hunt)

Ravens- 28
Lambs- 10
(Ravens are stoked to get some respect back)

Cheeps- 10
Bolts- 30

Crudinals- 8
Seahags- 2
(Looks like a Mariners game, stiff of the week)

And now for the drum roll for the Dolts, please..............

Steelers- 56
Dolts- 0
(Don't worry, Dolts, you will get to enjoy the stale chips after a while)

And speaking of stale chips, I will never forget my first trip to southern Illinois. It was August and we were on a motorcycle. As we headed south from Chicago it got, as they say in those parts, warm and sticky. More like freaking hot and steamy.

Anyway, we hit thunderstorms around Effingham. I thought, "Dang, we are going to get cold now." But when the rains stopped, I was shocked to still feel warm as we buzzed down the Interstate. Nothing like 99 degrees and 80 percent humidity! The sun set before we reached Mt. Vernon. My face was peppered with large, humming, insects, leaving smear marks on my goggles. You could hear the cicadis as we drove. Despite the wind noise, the helmet, and the roaring v-twin, I could still here the "eeeeeeeee-eh-eeeeeeeeeeeee-eh" of the cicadis.

We finally reached Carbondale, wet, overheated, and covered with bug slop. I was offered a cold beer and a bowl of chips in the back yard. I listened to the 90 decibel throbbing of crickets and frogs in the night and watched giant moths flap around a Tiki torch. We had only been at the table for five minutes and I noticed my ice-cold beer was already tepid and the chips, well, they no longer crunched when you ate them. They were more like those frozen Ore-Ida french fries mom used to serve. You know, the ones that come out of the oven sweaty and squishy. No amount of ketchup can save those things. 

And that's kind of how it feels here tonight in the basement.

Lambs Lie Down for Giants

Lambs showed the Giants how to get it done tonight. They look like good doormat material this year. By the way, it's smelling pretty moldy down here. It doesn't help any with all these old Blitz bottles stacked up behind the avacado green couch. Hey, where did you find Blitz? What's this? An old kid's Lions helmet. Looks like someone wrote Roger Brown on the inside. Kinda quiet down here tonight. Where fid everybody go?

Doormat Division Week II Wrap Up and Disposal

WEEK II WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Kansas City Cheaps 3, Detroit Lions 48

Wow is right. How about them Cheaps? 3 fumbles! 3 interceptions! 1 field goal. 12 first downs. 2-11 on third down. No touchdowns! The Cheaps are back in a BIG way, ladies and gentlemen. In their last 4 games, dating back to last year, the Cheaps have been outscored 150-27. The Cheaps are terrible! The Cheaps are terrible! Weren’t they supposed to have a good defense? I think teams figured something out. Go ahead and throw bombs and go crazy because the Cheaps will not be scoring, whether your defense is on the field or not. Just put a ‘police line’ tape across the goal line, and they’ll leave it alone.

The Lions are officially ADIOS BRO CHA CHO’D out of the Doormat Division with this win. 411 total yards and an all-day party at the Kat Box. Of course, with 14 games still on the schedule, they’ve got 6 more victories to go before they can officially climb out of the muck. But if these guys stay healthy, they look good for 10 victories, not 10 losses. Think of all the hangovers at the Ford-Chevy-Chyrsler plants today. Don’t buy a car built in Detroit on September 19^th, 2011, okay? Just sayin’. But look in glove compartment….might be a little something extra in there.

BLOWOUT #2

Seahags 0, Steelers 24

Last year’s poster child for the Best Worst, or maybe that’s Worst Best, the Seahags are off to the bottom of the NFC Worst already at 0-2. It was an 8&8 day. 8 punts and 8 first downs. 5 sacks that probably looked like 80.

When you complete 20 passes but get only 133 yards out of it, that’s gotta be a healthy diet of the Brownie Bomb (rifle shot screen pass over head of WR standing stock still 3 yards behind line of scrimmage). WR either watches it go sailing, or makes incredible acrobatic catch and gets killed by 3 linebackers. I think the Seahags may be the WORST of the WORST in the NFC WORST this year. It’s gonna be fun watching Pete Carrol’s expressions slowly morphing into stoic resignation/disgust. How many weeks?

Relief may be on the way: The CRUD are coming to Seattle next week. It’s tough to lose them all in the NFC Worst.

COME FROM AHEAD

Yikings 20, Buccaneers 24

2 games, 2 come from ahead losses! The Minnesota Yikings show signs of heading for a record setting year, and I might just have to get the horned helmet out of the basement closet…which is actually where I type this on the Commodore 64. It’s on top of the monitor. I see it every day. But let’s dust it off and put it on the Zenith, where we can all appreciate what it stands for. Get an OK lead and then crack open a cold one and let the other guys just TRY AND CATCH UP. Whoops!

Leading 17-0 at halftime, the Yikings break out the champagne in the locker room, and run out of gas coming out of the tunnel before the 3^rd quarter even starts. Just think what this game plan is going to lead to with Detroit coming into town next week. Uh-Oh. Might be a good time for that trip to the Erik the Red Museum and Pillaging Center in Greenland.

Pansies 23, Packers 30

This one is not nearly so embarrassing, because, even with Captain Amercia there at QB for Carolina, it would have been incredible for the Pansies to upset the Pack. But, give credit where credit is due- Pansies were up 13-0, and then saw it slowly crumble away. Get used to it Cam- you’re going to see a lot of those for the next 2-3 years. Carolina hosts Jacksonville next week. They should win. I say SHOULD.

The Official Adios Bro Cha Chos Game

Raydurz 35 Nils 38

I could say the Raydurz have terrible defense, and I would be right. But the Nils are pretty much right there with them, so that produced a really fun game to watch. The Nils climb to 2-0, seriously endangering their Doormat cred. This was old school AFL football, including 2 teams whose uniforms haven’t changed in any significant way since 1961. Jumping ship from either of these teams in your Doormat Fantasy league would not be out of order….but all you need is a couple key injuries on offense for the Raydurz, and you’re in trouble. That defense is hysterically lame. Absolutely zero pressure on Fitzpatrick yesterday. He had a little table and tea things set up with Pooh and Tigger back there. Also, though the Raydurz cut their penalties in half, they were all exceedingly well timed and gave the Nils everything they needed in the second half. So, I give neither team the Official Adios, but the Nils have the upper hand TODAY.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB DOLTS!

Kerry Collins turns around avoids the coverage. Goal post is the other way, Kerry

Dolts 19, Brownies 27

You can’t lose to the Brownies at home and get away with it. We opened a 16oz PBR and drained it onto the ‘green’ carpet here in the basement last night, doing the Doormat Descent Dance in all it’s squishy glory in honor of the Indianapolis Dolts. 0-2 and headed straight to the bottom of the AFC. Peyton Manning….take your time. No hurry.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Deadskins 22, Crudinals 21.

Somebody had to win. Deadskins 2-0 and in first in NFC East. Good God.

Texans 23, Floppers 13

Floppers 0-2 and staying under the radar in the Doormat. Next week, huge test in Cleveland at the Brownie Bake Sale. If they can get by that one (0-3), and that’s a tall order, then they are a force to be reckoned with.

Donkeys 24, Bungles 22

Bungles are not turning the ball over. This had Come From Ahead loss written all over it for the Donks, but the Bungles were having none of that, and once they got within 2 points, it was puntfest. 7 for each team. Game over. Donkey-Bunco-Bonks 1-1. Bungles travel to Candlestink to take on the Niners next week.

TONIGHT: LAMBS vs. GIANTS (predicted Stiff of the Week).

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 0 Seahags

First downs: 8 Seahags

Total Yards: 164 Seahags

Rushing: 31 Seahags

Passing: 91 Gaguars

Sacked: 5 Seahags

Turnovers: 6 Cheaps

Penalties: 8/85 Raydurz

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAA That’s the View from the Basement!

Doormat Division 2011: WEEK II Preview!

The Carolina Pansies unveil their new O-line.

It’s only week two, but we’ve got some pivotal games coming up:

WEEK II PREVIEW

GAME OF THE WEEK

BROWNIES at DOLTS

That’s Cleveland and Indianapolis, to you rubes. If the Dolts have any pretense of being real Doormat material, this is the game to show what their made of. If you can’t lose to Cleveland, you aren’t really going to challenge for the Moldy Carpet. The Brownies- all they gotta do is lose the first two, and the fan base knows exactly what kind of a season it’s going to be. Another Mistake by the Lake. Edge- Brownies (because they’ve been there before and don’t really seem to be leaving).

Please note that if a team has the EDGE, that’s the EDGE to get the LOSS. Remember where you are- firmly in the basement.

STIFFS OF THE WEEK

BUNGLES at DONKEYS

This has one touchdown written all over it. Donkeys have Kyle Orton at QB, and Bungles have the secret weapon- Bruce Gradkowski. EDGE: Donkeys

OR

CRUDINALS at DEADSKINS

Crudinals defensive secondary still 5 orange cones and a cheerleader, so more likely a one-sided puntfest. Few first downs, but some huge plays for the Deadskins.

EDGE: The Crud

OR

LAMBS at GIANTS Monday night

This could be an incredible stiff. Worst Monday night game in a while. EDGE: LAMBS

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEAK

PACKERS at PANSIES

I don’t care if Cam Newton threw for 900 yards against Arizona. I could throw for 300 against them. Pansies come down to earth and get back to the business of losing all over the field. EDGE and a Huge CLIFF: Pansies

CHEAPS at KITTENS

Enter the Kat Box at your own risk. Well, that's kinda true at all times, but...Detroit moves the ball so fast, the chain crew has been on endurance training all week. Ever seen 3 guys running down the street connected by a chain? You have? You need to move. Cheaps go for loss number two, and Kittens continue floating up toward the light. EDGE: CHEAPS

SEAHAGS at STEELERS

Steelers get humiliated in Baltimore in Week I. Seahags won’t get humiliated…they’re to used to this! BIG EDGE: Seahags

TEXANS at FLOPPERS

Geez another potential BLOOWWWWWWW OUUUUUTTTTTT!!!!

Miami can’t cover a slice of bread, let alone the Texans firepower. Ka-BLAM!!

EDGE: Floppers

PUT UP OR SHUT UP

COWPIES at 0-for-9ers

Well, the old rivalry is renewed. No Roger Staubach or Troy Aikman. No Joe Montana or Steve Young. Instead we have Romo and Smith. Romo good for at least two totally bone head throws, usually in the 4^th quarter during losing time, and Smith just tries to keep it under 120 yards. Done and Done! Niners have a defense, so this one could really be the lowest scoring game of the week. Both of these teams trying desperately to climb out of the 10-loss club. One of them will make it. EDGE: Cowpies

RAYDURZ at NILS

This game is truly the ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHOS game. Raydurz went 8-8 last year, and the Nils just stampeded over the Cheaps last week. Both of these teams could leave the Doormat Division, and the early season is full of hope, if not baloney. If Seabass can kick 5 field goals from 60 yards, they got a chance to get the WIN. Otherwise…..EDGE: RAYDURZ

JUST PLAIN BAD

BUMS at YIKINGS

Wow this should be a terrible game. The Bums are getting better. The Yikes don’t know what that is. EDGE: YIKINGS.

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAnd that's the view from the BASEMENT!!

The Doormat Division: Weak I Wrap and Disposal

The Doormat Division: Weak I Wrap-Up and Disposal

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAND THEY’RE OFF!!!!

And we mean OFF. Welcome to the Doormat Division 2011 Season, and, clearly, there is a changing of the guard happening. Fans all over the country are already deflating their expectations after only one game, and let’s start with the biggest balloon pop.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Nils 41, Cheaps 7

Last year’s biggest mirage, the Kansas City Cheaps, stink out Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium in yesterday’s home opener in style. I can’t think of a worse home opener in the last 10 years. 13 First downs, 213 total yards, 3 turnovers (all turned into points), and defense you could run a buffalo herd through.

Like this one:

The Bills (yes I said Bills) looked really good yesterday. Oh, the view of Lake Erie must be especially good this week. But let’s not get all starry eyed. They were playing the Cheaps! Using a traffic cone for the entire left side of their offensive line, the Cheap’s Matt Cassel gets sacked only 2 times, but runs for his life all day.

The Nils put on a beat-down that reminds us of a few flashes they put on late last year, and if they keep this up, they’re going to lose their membership. Next up for the Nils, the RAYDURZ. Next up for Cheaps: The Kittens at the Kat Box. Sayonara.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

There really isn’t a stiff of the week. Only the Gaguars and Titanics kept it under 20 points, no 1 touchdown games, and not a single punt fest. What’s the world coming to?

GAME OF THE WEAK

Arizona Crudinals 28, Carolina Pansies 21

The Face-off between last year’s Doormat champ and the NFC runner-up was a wild affair, but the outcome was still the same. The Pansie’s new golden boy, Cam Newton, racks up 400 yards in passing….and loses. First loss since Jr. College. Welcome to the team, Newt! Pansies still have no defense. Okay, so what’s the news from this game? The Crudinals are also employing the new ‘traffic cone’ defense in their secondary. The Deadskin’s Rex Grossman better get ready for his best game of the season next week against the Cruds. Or maybe that’s just The Crud. The Crud got only 15 first downs, and WON the game- Pansies still giving up the BIG PLAY. Best in the league at it.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

Raydurz 23, Donkeys 20

I’m not sure if either team really deserved to win this, but Seabass kicks a 63 yard field goal (what, can’t somebody at least TRY 64 yards??), and had a celebratory ale in a square-toed boot. Kyle Orton does some fancy Dave Krieg impressions in the second half (sack-and-fumble!), and the Donkeys start off the Moldy Carpet campaign on the right hoof. Raiders commit 15 penalties for 131 yards- and they WON. Must think they're the Steelers. Oh, wait, bad analogy today.

Deadskins 28 NY Giants 17

Uh, oh. Maybe it’s the Giants that are going to the bottom of the NFC East. QB Rex Grossman piles up 305 yards of passing, and the team commits almost no mistakes. Giants bumble all over the field, go 1-10 on third down, and put on a false start clinic, particularly effective when done on 3^rd down.

Kittens 27 Bootineers 20

These guys can score. May not be Doormat guys for much longer. Hold your breath. Or eat a mint, okay?

Bungles 27 Brownies 17

Nobody took the Brownies in our Doormat fantasy league. Might want to keep an eye on these guys. How can we forget and forsake them? Bungles commit ZERO turnovers, and only 3 penalties. I can’t believe I’m writing that. Brownies, on the other hand, turn in the kind of performance we’ve come to expect. Drive killing penalties, and plenty of punting, and losing. Actually, these two teams got off 16 punts, which is pretty close to Stiff of the Week credentials. But the score…just too high.

Houston Texans 34, Indiapolis Dolts 7

Kerry Collins looks like a Confederate Colonel…and just as old. These guys could be 0-5 real easy, if Manning doesn’t come back real soon, and also play free safety.

Seahags come out swinging and lose to the Niners (yesterday’s False Start Frenzy), looking really bad. Yikings pull off first really good Come From Ahead loss of the season (and also are the Doormat Team of the Week), Dolphins (Floppers) play football, but remember their desinty in time to put up an ‘L’ ,

And the LAMBS are STILL the Lambs and don’t you forget it. They lose both Stephen Jackson and Sam Bradford to injuries, though Bradford will be back for more punishment next week.

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

Points: 7 Cheaps and Dolts

First downs: 10 Yikings

Total Yards: 187 Yikings

Rushing: 43 Titanics

Passing: 28 Yikings

Turnovers: 3 multiple teams

Sacks 5 Lambs, Falcons

Penalties: 15 Raiders 131 YARDS!!!!!

Doormat Division: NFC the FIRST FIVE GAMES

NFC the First Five Games

Half of the NFC is doormat material, it seems. Holy Cow. Where to start? Start with the Champs. (In parenthesis after team name is the 2010 record for first five games)

Carolina Pansies (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Bank of America (Foreclosure Field)

First Five: Crudinals, Packers, Jacksonville, Chicago, New Orleans.

Doormat Champeen Carolina has to play in the NFC South and takes on the entire NFC North, so they’re pretty much toast. Their most winnable game is Week 1 against the Crudinals. Then week 8 vs. Yikings. OUTLOOK: 1-4, season 3-13

Washington Deadskins (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Fed Up Field

First Five: Giants, Crudinals, Cowpies, Lambs, Eagles

Rex Grossman is the starting QB. Mike Shanahan is learning about losing.

Skins won 3 of 4 overtime games last year, scraping out a 6-10 record. They've been flying under the radar for a few seasons now, but this year they are breaking out...in the Doormat.

Outlook: 1-4 season: 4-12

Minnesota Yikings (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Maul of America

First Five: Chargers, Bootineers, Kittens, Cheaps, Crudinals

You know, if I’d looked at the schedule before picking these guys, I might have changed my mind- they have the AFC Worst, the Pansies, the Cruds, and the Cheaps on their schedule. Outside of their division, it’s powder puff football. Yikes have best lineman name: RT- Loadholt.

Outlook: 3-2 ouch. Season: 6-10

University of Phoenix Crudinals (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: University of Phoenix (this name is so stupid we don’t have to change it)

First Five: Pansies, Deadskins, Sehags, Giants, Yikings

Nobody took the Cruds! Maybe I will. Kevin Kolb is being viewed as great, compared to what they had before at QB. Derek Anderson goes from starting on the Cruds to 3^rd string on the Pansies. Things have to get better here. But why?

Outlook: 1-4. Season- 5-11

San Francisco 0-for-Niners (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Candlestink

First Five: Seahags, Cowpies, Bungles, Eagles, Bootineers

Niners have amazingly soft schedule, with the Steelers, Eagles, Ravens and Giants the only teams with winning records from last year. Niners are going with youth. It’s like the JV team out there. It could get really ugly, even with the light schedule. Alex Smith will be on the DL by week 6. They won’t score another offensive touchdown after that.

They’ll only score 2 before that.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 4-12

St. Louis Lambs & BBQ (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Mary had a Little Lamb’s Backyard

First Five: Eagles, Giants, Ravens, Deadskins, Packers

Wow that’s a murderer’s row, except for the Deadskins. The Powder Puff schedule doesn’t kick in until week 9. Lambs in trouble.

Outlook: 1-4 season: 6-10

And last, our long-running losingest bunch of losers, the guys who started it all...

Detroit Kittens (2010: 1-4)

Stadium: The Kat Box

First Five: Bootineers, Cheaps, Yikings, Cowpies, Bears

Is it a mirage? Are the Lions really that good on offense? They better have improved their conditioning, offense and defense, since they pooped out in the 3^rd quarter every game last year.

Outlook: 3-2 season: 7-9

Some of these teams we expect ineptitude from on a regular basis, it’s true. After 5 games, the truly destined will be 0-5. There are those that come on strong after, like the Bungles last year, and the Cruds. It's time to put your fumbles where the turf is. Let's play ball!!!!!