The Doormat Division: NFL Week 12 "Desperation Weekend" Wrap Up

Desperation Weekend!

It’s over. The teams that didn’t REALLY want to be Doormats, but have been learning the art anyway, will have to change their sights and aim DOWNWARD from now to the end of the season. The teams that have been working for the Moldy Carpet Trophy now have 5 games to lock down the Andrew Luck Award. Are the Colts a lock? Can the Yikings catch them?

Holy Mackerel, where to start? Let’s start where it hurts the most:

Denver Broncos 16, San Diego Chargers 13 (OT)

The Basement is 100% on it’s picks for the weekend, except for this game, thanks to the Denver Buncos. Predicted to be a tie, the Buncos blow it by kicking a field goal with :29 seconds left in overtime…less than a half a minute away from the elusive eternal deadlock. You know the Buncos always find a way to irritate me. This is what I get for picking them as my team in the AFC for the Moldy Carpet. I can’t wait for the Raiders-Buncos rematch…but that’s not until next year, unless somehow these teams both get into the playoffs. And why not? The Charge-its fall to a ripe 4-7, and the Donkey-Buncos continue to ride the Tebow phenomenomenomenenom into the upper strastophere, arriving at 6-5. Even more scary is these guys, who are on helium, could win 4 out of their last 5 games and finish 10-6!!!! Somebody shoot me. Somebody shoot their balloon. Charge-its completely disintegrating and Norv Turner will be out of a job just as soon as they can get to the finish line. At least they wore the light blue suits.

Cincinatti Bengals 23, Cleveland Browns 20

They started blowing the Bunglonia Fog early yesterday, the pall over Paul Brown stadium that renders all teams unable to play a normal game. But now, with just enough offense, and just enough idiotic plays, the Bungles are winning- and our blank helmet band of Dawgs, the Brownies, are doing what they do best- blowing the game.

Raising the art of the muffed FG attempt to, well, an ART, the Brownies neutralize one of the best kickers in the league (Phil Dawson) by screwing up the hike or the hold yet again (2 times in 3 games!), this time with 1:51 left, and a chance to take the lead. These guys are pros.

Technically, neither of these teams have a logo on their helmets. It’s the Paul Brown legacy. But, until the Brownies put Chomps on their helmets, it’s the basement for these dawgs.

Washington Redskins 23, Seattle Seahawks 17

When you can have a fight break out during the coin toss, you know you’re in the Bonehead Forest. But, never count Pete Carroll out of a Doormat Duel. Ever. With 12 minutes left in the 4^th quarter, the Seahags had only 15 first downs, just barely over 200 yards of offense, but were AHEAD 17-7 against the Basement Barnstormers, the Deadskins. Slamming on the brakes and shoving it into reverse, the Hags surrender 16 points faster than you can say “is that another Starbucks?” and snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. The Deadskins have their loss string snapped at 6 games, despite racking up 2 interceptions, 10 penalties for 115 yards, 3-10 on 3^rd down, and missing an extra point. That’s not enough against the Hags.

Atlanta Falcons 24, Minnesota Vikings 14

The Yikings check in with the worst overall stats for a team that lost yesterday (see the Houston Texans), 12 first downs, 226 yards of total offense, and doing nothing with their first 6 possessions, except going mostly backwards, and punting with impunity. The Falcons don’t play doormat ball, but, just to make things fun, threw in a 6-yard punt in the 4^th quarter, easing the Yikes into the endzone, so they ended up with a 2 touchdown game. Yikes keep the pressure on the Lambs, tied for the NFC Doormat lead at 2-9.

Go Yikes!

Arizona Cardinals 23, St. Louis Rams 20

What a Doormat battle this was. 4 fumbles, 2 interceptions, 12 punts, a missed FG, and an ability to get rid of the ball faster than any other teams in the league. 15 possessions alone for the Lambs, averaging a Doormat Gold 18 yards per possession. Crudinal QB John Skelton did what could, sliding into the finish with a 30 QB rating on the day, but it’s not enough against the Lambs, who can lie down on Broadway, or anywhere you like, better than anybody in the NFC. The Lambs are tops at redemption for the other team’s goats. This time it was for Beenie Wells, whose fumble led to the Lambs tying TD in the 4^th quarter. On the next possession, the Lambs rip open the line, and Wells trots for 53 yards (228 total for the game), setting up the game-winning FG. Lambs also punt 7 times, and it was enough as Crud’s returner Patrick Peterson snags his 4^th punt return for a TD this year. If you haven’t gotten a huge long gainer yet this season, check your schedule for a game with the Lambs, and circle it. You’re in.

Carolina Panthers 27, Indianapolis Colts 19

Where else could the Carolina Pansies finally win a road game (2 years since the last one)? Folks need to stop taking so many pictures of the helpless Peyton Manning on the sidelines. This is Chris Painter’s, and the entire Dolt defense’s, moment of glory.

0-11, and safely past one of the last remaining obstacles to a perfect season, the Dolts have only the Gaguars left on the schedule to worry about. Will we see Mr. 0-16, Dan Orlovsky, next week? The Basement is on the edge of it’s tattered orange couch.

Pittsburgh Steelers 13 Kansas City Cheaps 9

This game had everything. 1 touchdown. The classic opening field goal followed by utter futility (three straight turnovers!!). Zero trips to the red zone for the Cheaps. Ultra-green QB Tyler Palko cannot get under the bar set by John Skelton, but still comes in with a very respectable Doormat QB rating of 40.9. Better luck next week Tyler. To be fair, the young man actually looks like he might play well someday, should he play for a team that bothers to develop quarterbacks. Somebody resurrect Lamar Hunt, so he can fire Todd Haley. But not too soon! The Cheaps are on a serious roll, and can still finish 4-12. They’re going to make the “10” club, at least. The Cheaps make no trips to the red zone and still have not had a touchdown drive from inside their own 20 in about 45 possessions. So, quite literally, all you have to do with these guys is just keep pinning them inside their 20, and score one toucdown and toss in a field goal, and that’s the ballgame. Arrow-thru-the–head Stadium was a pow-wow of boos yesterday. It’s music to the Basement. Cheaps victories have come against the Dolts, the Yikes, the Charge-its, and the Raydurz on the day Carson Palmer joined the team and he and Kyle Boller had no idea where anybody was (the six interception doozy). These guys are really really really so much worse than their record.

New England Patriots 380, Philadelphia Eagles 20

DeDrop Jackson muffs two TD catches, the Pheebles are the most undisciplined team in the league, and Andy Reid is steering this team with all the focus and attention of teenager in chemistry class at 8am the morning after smoking 15 bong hits, drinking 7 mountain dews, and playing Call of Duty until 5am. Like the Nils, the Pheebles are masters of piling up useless yardage (466) and really having no shot at winning the game.

If this guy cannot get fired (doesn’t anybody that runs that franchise read what this guy says every week?), it means the the whole team, from top to bottom, is on the same page, and that’s shooting for a 10 loss season, and a total plummet into oblivion next year. Watch this team dismantle completely. What a show.

Houston Texans 20, Jacksonville Jaguars 13

How do you get only 9 first downs, 215 total yards, punt 10 times, play your 3^rd string QB, and win a game? Play the Jacksonville Gaguars! A 19 punt game, tying last week’s Lambs-Seahags Punt-a-thon, the Gaguars stay out of the red zone, and score their only TD on a fumble return at the start of the game. Another quiet afternoon at Sea Of Teal Empty Seat Stadium. The Texans have 17 possesions, and average 12.6 yard per possession, punting the last 7 times they had the ball. There were 11 straight punts to start the 2^nd half. They should have just erected a net at the 50 yard line and had the cheerleaders play volleyball.

New York Jets 28, Buffalo Bills 24

I want to feel sorry for the Nils, but I just can’t. They’re back in the basement, just barely, at 5-6, but they deserve it. I saved this one for last because I want to give the Doormat MVP of Week 12 to Buffalo wide receiver Steve Jackson. You want Bonehead Forest? Here it is: Jackson catches a TD pass from Ryan Fitzpatrick, and performs an end zone dance that included pretending to shoot himself in the leg- a glaring dig at Plaxico Buress on the Jets sideline. Penalty! The Nils have to kick off from about the 3 yard line, botch the line drive kick, it bounces off a Jet, and the Jets recover at the Buffalo 35 yard line. 4 plays later, guess who catches a TD pass for the Jets? Plaxico. Isn’t Plaxico a Venezuelan oil company? Not done yet with his MVP performance, Jackson and company manage to drop about 15 passes on the day, and Jackson tops it off with a WIDE-OPEN drop on Buffalo’s final drive that had TD written all over it, which would have won the game. Way to go, STEVE!!! Nils lose the most desperate game on Desperation Weekend. Time to shift gears, guys.

THIS WEEKS NFL WORST STATS WEEK 12

Points: 6 49ers

First downs: 9 Texans

Yards: 170 49ers

Rush: 53 Packers

Pass: 96 49ers

Sacked: 9 49ers

3^rd dwn conv: 1-9 Dolts

Turnovers: 4 Cheaps

Penalties: 10-115 Deadskins

Punts: 10 Texans

Avg poss: 12yds Texans

aaaaAAAAAAAnd THATS the View from the BASEMENT!!

As The Turkey Bowls: NFL Week 12 Predictions!

Holy Cow, it’s almost Sunday! We better stop the Turkey Bowling championship and make some predictions.

The Team with the EDGE has the best chance to lose.

Game of the Week

Carolina Panthers (2-8) at Indianapolis Colts (0-10)

Dolts run Chris Painter out there one more time, and he has to go up against the hottest rookie in the NFL, Cam Newton. The Pansies lose more close games than anybody in the league, except for maybe the Dolphins, but this one won’t be close. They’ll have to do back flips and run the ball the other way to have even a remote chance of losing this one. Pansies can score. Dolts can’t. Dolts have 3^rd string QB Dan Orlovsky in reserve, with the gold standard credential of having been the backup QB on the 0-16 Detroit Lions of 2008. This will be the biggest blowout a doormat team will muster against another doormat this year. I’m thinking 45-14.

EDGE: DOLTS

Buffalo Bills (5-5) at New York Jets (5-5)

Well, are you mired in mediocrity, or sliding down the slippery slope? One of these guys gets to hang out in the basement after this one. The Jets have lost 2 in a row, and the Bills have lost 3. Most telling stat is these teams are home town beasts and road weenies - 4-1 home and 1-4 on the road for the pair of them.

EDGE: NILS

Arizona Cardinals (3-7) at St. Louis Lambs (2-8)

The NFC Worst begins inflating two of the worst teams in the league with ‘W’s, because somebody has to win. There hasn’t been a tie in the NFL since 2008 (hey, not that long ago!) when the Pheebles and the Bungles struggled to eternal deadlock, 13-13. Cruds QB John Skelton is still at the helm, vastly increasing their chances of losing. Sam “my ball” Bradford goes for the Lambs. The Lambs don’t score. The Crud can score as long as the other team has no ‘D.’ I refuse to ignore the Lambs and their level of ineptitude.

EDGE: LAMBS

Houston Texans (7-3) at Jacksonville Jaguars (3-7)

The Texans are on a 4 game win streak, and the Gaguars pulled out the loss in Cleveland last week by rocketing a pass through the endzone as time expired. Even with Matt Leinart at QB for the Texans, they have no choice but to win.

EDGE: Gaguars

Minnesota Vikings (2-8) at Atlanta Falcons (6-4)

The Yikings have no preference where they lose being 1-4 both on the road and at home.

EDGE: Yikings

Washington Redskins (3-7) at Seattle Seahawks (4-6)

There may only be one game difference between these two teams, but don’t let that fool you. The Deadskins are on a major slide (6 games) and the Hags have won 2, with one of those games being Baltimore. WTF?? I find it hard to believe the Hags will win 3 in a row, not having done it for 4 years, but the Deadskins are just bringing the bumbling at a very high level.

EDGE: Deadskins

Denver Broncos (5-5) at San Diego Chargers (4-6)

Tim Tebow brings his squeaky clean rough and tumble act into San Diego, where they have the Philip Rivers whine complain and bitch routine going on. Amazing that it’s the Charge-its with the losing record, huh? That’s what leading the league in picks will do for you.

EDGE: EVEN

Cleveland Browns (4-6) at Cincinnati Bengals (6-4)

The Bengals haven't made it to 8 wins yet, so they are still on our mast, but they get closer this week, as their stalwart defense blanks the Browns. Should be about 17-0.

EDGE: Brownies

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

Pittsburgh Steelers (7-3) at Kansas City Cheaps (4-6)

The Cheaps may have nabbed Kyle Orton off the waiver wire, but stay calm- they’re starting Tyler Palko at QB anyway. Mr. Palko may be a great QB someday, but it won’t be this week.

EDGE: Cheaps

BOWL THAT FROZEN TURKEY AND MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!!

DOORMAT ALERT! Repeat 0-16 in sights for QB!!

Guess what Doormat followers? We have history in the making. Indianapolis Colt's backup backup QB Dan Orlovsky may just start getting under center this Sunday as Curtis Painter gets one last chance to attempt to actually win a game for the Dolts. He has absolutely no chance as the Carolina Pansies will just kill them in 4 quarters of the Cam Newton show.

So what, you say, about Orlovsky? People! Orlovsky was the backup backup in Detroit in 2008 when the Lions went 0-16, becoming the first team EVER to lose 16 games in a season. And now, here in 2011 Mr. Orlovsky has the very very good chance to help direct another team to an 0-16 season. He may get to work this Sunday. Of course, what we all know is changing quarterbacks on a team headed for history can derail things terribly and it could result in a victory, especially when the Gaguars show up for the season finale, after everybody on that team has completely thrown in the towel and had a couple beers before the game.

So, okay? Keep your steely-eyed Doormat specs on the Dolts now, as the stretch run begins this Sunday.

Thanksgiving Pride

Packers 27, Kittens 15

Ah, yes, Detroit pride and Thanksgiving. Years and years of the biggest sleeping pill of a game to mix perfectly with the tryptophan in your turkey to put you out like a light for the whole day. But things are different now, right? Well, yes. And no. The Kittens pulled one out of the hat at the Kat Box yesterday, just for old times sake, and put up a stinker before a raucous crowd, and apparently some very fine looking ladies from Detroit (lots of pride there) to honor their loooooooooooooooooooooooooong standing tradition of being the worst best worst option for football on Turkey day. Matt Stafford continues his slide into fantastic pointless yardage pile quarterback, amassing 409 total yards while tossing 3 interceptions. Add to this some of the ugliest stupid penalties I've seen all year, lead by Mr. Knucklehead, Ndamukong Suh, who really needs to be kicked out of 5-6 games for his Bonehead Forest antics. It wasn't just a loss, it was an EMBARRASSMENT. They haven't made it to 8 wins yet, Doormat Fans, and let's just see what happens now after the wheels fell off in the biggest game of their season.

Cowboys 20, Dolphins 19

The Floppers lose again when they should have won. That's Doormat Ball! Fish out of water! Floppers improve to 3-8, and a stunning 1-5 on the road. They are this year's Buffalo Nils....except the Nils are turning into this year's Nils.

Ravens 16, 49ers 6

Yes, I know this is NOT a Doormat game, but the NINE sacks of 49er QB Alex Smith has to be mentioned because it's going to hold up as the season high. The Hairball, oh, I mean, Harbowl lived up to expectations, except Jim Harbaugh seems to have had no response to the absurd bum's rush of the quarterback, like, say a TE release or a RB screen pass as the 14 Ravens head for Smith's disappearing frame. Niners get serious wake-up call.

aaaAAAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!

FUMBLE!!

Sure, Joe Flacco is leading the league in fumbles, with 10. Sure Colt McCoy and Sam Bradford are in hot pursuit with 9, with Michael Vick and Blaine Gabbert bringing up the rear with 8. But these guys handle the ball on every play. What about the guy who is averaging a fumble every 4.8 times he touches the ball?

Tampa Bay WR Preston Parker is your man. Arrested in 2007 after falling asleep at the drive-thru window at a McDonald's at 4 am while totally having the munchies but passing out before the bag arrived (arrest officially for a DUI and 'under the influence' of pot), Parker is keeping up the fuzzy senses all the way to 2011. 29 catches on the season, and 6 fumbles. Wow! I wonder how many of QB Josh Freeman's 15 interceptions are tipped balls by Parker? I'm guessing four, at least. No wonder the Bucs have faded to 4-6.

Doormat ALL-STAR!

THANKSGIVING FROZEN TURKEY SPIN

Thanksgiving, where turkeys are the main event. At least, in years past it's been that way. The Lions, the Bears,- teams that, in years past, provided us with nap time football every Thanksgiving. Then, of course, the Cowboys....maybe there's a Smurfs movie on.

But that's all different tomorrow! Sorta.

Packers-Lions

Lions are still here, but no longer a doormat, and it looks like the are going to make it to 8 victories this year, which will mean we have to remove their logo from the Doormat totem pole. It's going to take a miracle to beat the Packers, and Lions only hope is to turn it into a Slufgest. No turkey spin.

49ers-Ravens

Another team that is not a doormat anymore, and has ALREADY made it to 8 victories. The Harbowl is upon us, and everybody just wants the game to end so we can see the handshake.

No turkey spin.

But have no fear, people, there is ONE doormat team in the lineup:

Miami Dolphins (3-7) at Dallas Cowboys (6-4)

The Floppers have been having a real good time in Florida. They'll be a fish out of water in Dallas. Cowpies, 31-20

DOORMAT ALERT!

Kyle Orton, the man who lead the Denver Broncos to a very hopeful doormat start of 1-4, has been released. Since benching him and installing Tim Tebow and the option offense, the Buncos have gone 4-1. Don't let the door hit you on the butt on the way out!

Now, Orton could be a very good addition to a doormat team in the stretch run- or, even better, a team that has aspirations to run the table and lose out the whole schedule. Kansas City comes to mind (though I think Tyler Palko looks very promising there). The real kicker would be the Bears taking Orton back after shipping him off to the Bunco hinterland last off-season. That would pick up the Yikings spirits, should they want to try to win a game. The Houston Texans have lost Matt Schaub, and plugging Orton in there could really get the drive-killing interceptions going, and just get the whole team going in a new direction. It's all very intriguing.

Happy Thanksgiving to all Doormat Denizens everywhere, and may your frozen turkeys thaw nicely.

- the guys in the Basement

Monday Night Embarrassment

New England Patriots 34, Kansas City Chiefs 3

They've done it again, folks. The blowout blueprint: losing team gets first score, kicking chip shot field goal. They never score again while the winners just pile up the points. We've had 3 of these in the last week. Schizophrenic Doormat Kansas City follows the blueprint to the last detail. Hats off, once again, to coach Todd Haley and his staff for using a game plan with great precedent.

The Cheaps are making me rewrite this week's lows on the wrap-up, as back-up QB Tyler Palko takes over for Matt Cassel, and brings home the Doormat bacon, flinging 3 interceptions and keeping the Cheaps out of the endzone. 3 points is this week's most anemic output. It looks bleak for the Cheaps now. 4-6 and Pittsburgh, Chicago, Jets and Green Bay coming up, followed by the revenge minded Oakland Raiders, and finishing the season in Denver. The losing streak is at 3 now, and I don't see why they can't lose out the rest of the schedule- a potential 9-game losing streak, and finishing 4-12. Wow.

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 11 Warp Up and Cosmic Dust

An Idle Brain is the Doormat’s Playground!

The Indianapolis Colts did not play yesterday. Please call this number, (800) 805-2658 to try out for QB. Or RT. Or DB. Your choice. Operators are standing by.

WORST BEST WORST TEAM OF THE DAY

San Francisco 49ers 23, Arizona Cardinals 7

Having trouble getting your Doormat mojo going? We’ve got the solution for you.

Play the 49ers! The Crudinals were the latest team to get the opportunity to hone their doormat techniques against the guys who cause more bonehead plays than any other team in the league. 5 turnovers, 11 first downs, 1-9 on 3^rd down, blown reads, fisticuffs, passes that made me check the roster and make sure that wasn’t Derek Anderson out there, 48 total plays…. Where does coach Ken Whisenhunt find these guys? With 7 minutes left in the 3^rd quarter, the Crudinals time of possession was 9:30, and they set a new Doormat World Record, holding the ball for a miniscule 15:44, a good 1:17 better than the previous record, with the number being inflated by garbage time, and a third string quarterback who actually made some decent reads. QB John Skelton (pass rating of 10.1) is headed for the bench, if they have one in the doghouse. The Cardinal offense, which actually ran the ball ok yesterday (but didn’t seem to notice), is basically “Where’s Larry?” 49er defensive coordinator Vic Fangio said before the game “prepare for Skelton? We don’t have to- he just stares down (WR) Larry Fitzgerald on every play.” Ouch! I hadn’t seen a QB throw away more passes to nowhere in particular since….well, just last season, and it was the Crud’s QB. Skelton even got flagged for intentional grounding when he was actually TRYING to throw to a receiver, but it was an impressive 15 yards off target. Carry on, men.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Seattle Seahawks 24, St. Louis Rams 7

Yes, I know, how can we call a game the Stiff when 4 touchdowns were scored??

Because these guys got off a world record 19 punts, with the fabulous St.Louis Lambs completely outdoing themselves with a season high 10.

To get in 19 punts, you have to start punting on 2^nd down. You have to be punting with abandon. You have to have no interest in using good field position. Now, you’d think that, with 19 punts, somebody would eventually call the Blocked Punt run back for a Touchdown play, but..no. The Lambs played their usual bombed-out game, with punching bag Sam Bradford holding onto the ball so long he named it, and hit the turf for 5 sacks, 7 hits, two sack-&-fumbles (ball-y come back!), one of which set up the Seahag’s second TD nicely. Seattle got into doormat rhythm early, starting off the game with TWO interceptions, and the Lambs actually FOUND the end zone on the second one (a 30 yard drive, an immense distance in Lamb measurement- not to be confused with sheep herding). The Lambs are firmly in the chase for the NFC crown, a solid 2-8. Seahags now have 4 wins, which would have been good enough for first last year in the NFC Worst. Now, it’s just good enough for a spot on the sofa in the Basement. Another great Slufgest- you can always count on the Seahags to be part of the party, losers or not.

NON SHOCKING SHOCKER OF THE WEEK!

Miami Dolphins 35, Buffalo Bills 8

8 points?? The Nils are almost back- 5-5 and are getting it done on the road- 4 straight losses away from home. Allmighty Dad called this one. The Floppers are just pulverizing teams, and the Nils are pure Pulver, whatever that is. Nils do not converts a single 3^rd down conversion, going 0-12. We refused to take the Nils logo off our mast when they started out on fire, and our wisdom prevails. The Nils started off the game with the dreaded quick field goal, and that was pretty much it. Floppers still just 3-7, but aren’t acting like doormats at all. Nils on the road again next week @ NY Jets. It’s put up or shut up time in the basement.

The REST OF THE GAWDS OF GAWDAWFUL

Cleveland Browns 14, Jacksonville Jaguars 10

The Brownies finally scored a touchdown in their own stadium yesterday, going nearly 3 games without a TD. The 2 touchdown explosion in the Dawg Pound was so shocking that the Brownies tried to make up for my blowing yet another FG with 2:50 left in the 4^th quarter (actually Phil Dawson is one of the better kickers in the league), and then allowing the Gaguars to get all the way to 1 yard line, where the Gags pulled the final gag, with QB Blaine Gabbert throwing a bullet through the end zone on the final play of the game to seal the loss. Gags still a towering 3 games off the pace at 3-7 in the Doormat, but made yesterday’s loss so painful that it really should count for two.

Oakland Raiders 27, Minnesota Vikings 21

It’s QB Rookie-o-Rama in this league, the the Yiking’s Christian Ponder got a real nice visit from the entire Raider defense yesterday, collaborating for 5 sacks, a fumble, 3 INTs, and an excellent Futile Comeback (you’re getting clobbered and then you make it close, but do not endanger the loss, in the final minutes), which have been few and far between this season. The Raiders tried their usual Penalty Drive, giving the Yikings SEVEN, I say , SEVEN first downs from penalties. 2011 high so far. It didn’t matter. The Yikings are still neck and neck with the Lambs and Pansies for 1^st the NFC Doormat at 2-8. It’s gonna be a helluva stretch drive.

Philadelphia Eagles 17, New York Giants 10

The Pheebles. Michael Vick broke some ribs. Vince Young (Michael Vick Lite), came in and did his best impression with three INTs, but it was not enough. Pheebles defense plays inspired, and Eli Manning hits the fake grass-like material all day. Andy Reid saves his job for another week.

Detroit Lions 49, Carolina Panthers 35

Pansies are, yet again, in another wild one, most entertaining game played yesterday, but still chalk up the “L,” and I gotta say, I really haven’t seen anything quite like this team. It doesn’t really matter how many points the Pansies score, the other will score more. It is written. Except for next week, when the Pansies pull into Indianapolis for a quiet game being held for a select audience of masochists. Be there or be somewhere else better for your health. Odessa, Texas comes to mind.

Chicago Bears 31 San Diego Chargers 20

So, who is the better one-man wrecking crew? Philip Rivers or Michael Vick?

It’s really close, but today I gotta go with Rivers, because he manages to look like a real pain in the ass to play with, showing up his teammates on the field, throwing a lot of bluff on the sidelines, jawing with his coach, and laser-beaming game killing INTs on a regular basis. This guy pulls into first this week. Doormat All-Star of the Week. The…21% introductory Rate Chargers (yes, their name really is related to credit cards) fall to 4-6 and look like they could lose a raft of games to end the season. Bears lose Jay Cutler, who played with a broken hand for the whole game. Does that make up for his weenie act in last year’s playoffs?

Dallas Cowboys 27 Washington Redskins 24 (OT)

Deadskins take it to OT, playing their best game of their 6 game slide, but the slide continues, and next week they’re playing Stiff of the Week monsters Seattle over there in Cloud City, so the adrenaline of the rivalry is all gone now, and it’s back to just plain lousy football. Deadskins still in the race at 3-7. Prognosticator Allmighty Dad called this score exactly.

Kansas City at New England

The Cheaps should make us proud.

Even without the Cheaps final stats, here are

This Week’s NFL WORST STATS WEEK 11:

Points: 3 Cheaps

First downs 11 Buncos, Crudinals

Yards 185 Lambs (a measly 15 yards per possession!!)

Rushing 41 Nils (2.1 yards per rush)

Passing 104 Buncos

Turnovers 5 Yikings, Crudinals

3^rd down con 0-12 Nils

sacks 5 Yikings, Lambs

punts 10 Lambs (ties record)

penalties 13-100 Seahags (Raiders still get more yards-117)

passer rating 10 Crudinals

time of poss: 15:44 Crudinals

AS THE FROZEN TURKEY SPINS: NFL WEEK 11 PREVIEW

Broncos best reception of the night: a pick-six

Broncos 17 Jets 13

I hate these Thursday night games. I’ve barely recovered from my NFL Sunday hangover, the Basement is still awash in pizza boxes and beer cans, and now we have to start getting out our predictions by Thursday morning. Come ON.

I bet the New York Jets hate Thursday night, now, too. Tim Tebow is now leading the charge for what is the most unique phenomenon in the NFL- a team playing pure doormat ball (until the final 5 minutes), and winning games! It’s the best of both worlds! Except the Buncos now have no chance to win the Moldy Carpet, and they sure aren’t going to win the Stuper Bowl. But, enjoy this time, Denver phans, because NFL teams are going to start watching video of the past 5 games, and the good teams (wait, do the Broncos play any of those?) will be figuring out your 1 ½ dimension team.

11 first downs! 56 total plays! 104 yards passing! These stats could hold up as WORST NFL STATS of the Week, and it’s only Friday! What are the Buncos doing right? Their defense is keeping it close. Tebow is not getting sacked quite so often anymore, and the guy sure does know how to snatch a victory from the jaws of defeat, which is just not the Doormat way. The Donkey-Buncos have 6 games left to get an education, but there are some pretty shaky opponents in that mix, with only Chicago and New England looking like a sure L. All you Bronco haters out there, they’ve just upped the ante!

Okay, on to the preview:

NFL WEEK 11 Preview and Frozen Turkey Spin

Remember, the team with the EDGE has the best chance to lose

Game of the Week!

Seattle Seahawks (3-6) at St. Louis Rams (2-7)

Last time these two Doormat titans met, it was for all the marbles in the NFC Worst, and a place in history as the Seahags became the first team in history to win a Division with a losing record (7-9). The Hags are one of the worst road teams on the planet. The Lambs, fresh off their second straight win, will be straining to maintain their Doormat cred, but it just might not be enough.

EDGE: Seahags

Jacksonville Jaguars (3-6) at Cleveland Browns (3-6)

Another week, another Brownie-Bake-Sale in Cleveland. Pour another bowl of Chomps Cereal, sit back, and close your eyes, Cleveland. The Moldy Carpet could have been yours, but you squandered your chances in the early season, winning games you should have lost, and now look- a 3-6 record, a paper bag, and some scissors. The Gaguars, continuing their tour of the quietest stadiums in the NFL, fresh off their failure to out-lose the Dolts, will be really bringing it. The ineptitude, I mean. This is the game that asks the question: why haven’t any NFL coaches been fired yet?

EDGE: Brownies

Buffalo Bills (5-4) at Miami Dolphins (2-7)

The Bills are teetering near Nils territory folks. With one more loss, they’ll be back at .500, and will be allowed to hunker over the grill on our patio. The Floppers have become the Doormat bully lately, suddenly finding their alter-ego, and tromping teams somewhat decisively. Shocking. Time for some over-confidence!

EDGE: Floppers

Dallas Cowboys (5-4) at Washington Redskins (3-6)

The Deadskins are on a 5-game roll, and the Cowpies pulled themselves over .500 last week. The Deadskins are past mediocre now. They’re a fixture at the bar in the Basement.

EDGE: Deadskins

Arizona Cardinals (3-6) at San Francisco 49ers (8-1)

The Crudinals were no match for the Pheebles last week, so they’ve gone back to the drawing board to figure out what is going on. No worries, Doormat fans, even though I can’t get used to seeing “8-1” next to the 49ers in the standings, the Cruds will have trouble crossing the 50 yard line in this one. Look for one pick-six in this affair.

EDGE: CRUDINALS

Oakland Raiders (5-4) at Minnesota Vikings (2-7)

The Raiders have scraped all the rust off Carson Palmer, the receiving corps is pumped to say the least, and the Yikings will be hoving into sight at just about the right moment on Sunday- losing time. Now, the Raydurz can play a sloppy, boneheaded game with the best of them, so anything is possible, but right now I’m seeing 4 touchdowns out of the Silver and Black,and I think the Yikes have stopped doing that now. After all, it’s Week 11, guys are getting more than tired.

EDGE: YIKINGS

Carolina Panthers (2-7) at Detroit Lions (6-3)

If the Lions can blow this one at the Cat Box, people might start looking over their shoulder to see if Matt Millen’s ghost is floating by. The Kitties have looked sloppy and unfocused, Matt Stafford has started doing that ‘flinging it’ thing he does when he’s tanking, and the wheels are wobbling. Lose this one, and it’s a short week before the Packers show up and start kicking cat litter in their face. Pansies really tanked last week. Newton will play better, but the Pansies are better at coming close but no cigar than any other team.

EDGE: Pansies

Philadephia Eagles at New York Giants

“How bad could it be?” Michael Vick has broken ribs, the Eagles have forgotten how to use LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson is either unhappy or screwing up, and the Pheebles will come skulking into the Jimmy Hoffa Memorial End Zone Sunday, hoping to pull their feet out of the cement shoes they’re being fitted for. Not a chance.

EDGE: Pheebles

Blowout of the Week

Kansas City Chiefs at New England Patriots

The Cheaps are 15 point underdogs on Monday night, and it’s just the kind of national stage that gets a coach fired from a team he is running into the ground. Hard to get fired when your stars are out for the season, though, with QB Matt Cassel handing the punishment over to Tyler Palko (first start ever) and RB Jamaal Charles checked out for the duration of the season. The Cheaps have given up nine sacks in the last two weeks. They may get that many more come Monday night.

EDGE and complete abyss: CHEAPS

TIME TO SUMMON THE ORACLE AND

SPIN THE FROZEN TURKEY.

GENTLEMEN, MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS!

Yikes and Away!!

Packers 45, Vikings 7

The Minnehaha Yikings lost the coin toss. The Packers, thinking ahead, kicked first. 3 Plays later, the Yikes punted to #18, there, and Randall Cobb runs past 11 guys in purple and scores without the vaunted Packer offense even going on the field. Game over. Yikings DO score a touchdown, but only after the Packers muff a punt at their own 15. Yikings able to row in from there, safely buried on the scoreboard. It is not without precedent, but the Yikes elected to not run the other way. That only works when you are on defense and you have an excuse for not knowing which way you are going...you're a defensive player, how are you supposed to know where the ball is going?

Hairstyles may be getting adventurous, but which division has the most teams that have not changed their unis in ages? The Packers are the last team in the NFC North division now to not have done at least an iota of change. Yikings have the Nike pants now, the Bears wear orange jerseys sometimes (wow), and the Lions blue color seems to be fading just a tad every year. Anybody got that stat?

Yoiks and away, indeed.

THE DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 10 WRAP-UP and Dinner Cereal

PERFECTION!

Jaguars 17, Colts 3

The Dolts and the Gaguars started this game with a bang yesterday- dueling interceptions. The Dolt’s Chris Painter hurls an interception on the third play of the game, setting up the Gaguars at the Indy 18 yard line. No problem- the Gaguars retaliated immediately, with QB Blaine Gabbert gift wrapping an INT on the very next play. The crowd settled in..slumped might be the word. This week, though, the Dolts were only able to string together 4 punts in a row (still a league leading 60), which is pretty average, though they were able to toss in a punt reception interference call to set up the Gags in excellent field position for their first field goal. Dolts avoid scoring a touchdown.

The Gaguars, even with the bye week to get themselves unprepared, could not match the Dolts in this huge AFC South face-off. Putting together a long 16-play 86 yard drive in the 3^rd quarter (gold star to Dolts for for illegal use of hands penalty on 3^rd and 11 sack of Gabbert, keeping drive alive), was really out of character. In a game like this, holding the ball for more 5-6 plays is really kind of gauche. The Dolts only got the ball 4 times in the entire second half, but made hay with those, with the gold medal going to the fumble at their 8-yard line with 4:48 left in the 4^th. The Gags fell into the endzone, and the Dolts get past the only real threat to their quest for the perfect season and the Moldy Carpet trophy (which is curing now in the store room here in the basement- don’t go in there). 0-10 and looking unbeatable..unwinnable..un…the Dolts now have a 2 ½ game lead on Miami, who are clearly losing their way, winning two weeks in a row.

The Bonehead Forest!

Rams 13, Browns 12

It was an exciting morning at the Brownie Bake-Sale, what with the new line of Chomps Dinner Cereal laid out, smorgasborg-style, on the Basement bar. I tried them all, but I think my favorite was ‘leftovers.’ Tasted very realistic. Also good was ‘regular,’ which, I’m pretty sure, is ‘dog food.’ Ever see that Jane Fonda movie where she feeds her cat, and then licks the spoon? Oscar performance moment.

And speaking of dog food, the Brownies utilize their kicking game again to go for the loss, and THIS TIME it worked, shanking a field goal from point blank range with 2 minutes to go to pull out the loss against one of the most formidable opponents in the Doormat. The Brownies are like beginning piano students- they can’t repeat something simple more than 4 times without screwing up. Here’s their drives for the game:

punt, FG, punt, FG, punt, FG, punt, FG, punt……MISSED FIELD GOAL!! Wait, let me try that again!

This was a one-touchdown kind of game, and the Lambs got it early, at the top of the second quarter. Both teams did as little as possible in the 2^nd half. Lambs have now won 2 games, and fall into a tie with the Carolina Pansies (and most likely the Yikings after tonight) for first place in the NFC doormat.

THE REST OF THE GAWDS OF GAWDAWFUL

Broncos 17, Chiefs 10

Tim Tebow throws 8 passes, completes 2 (one for a touchdown), the Buncos run the ball 237 times and the Cheaps have no answer for mediocrity. Except terrible coaching. That’s their answer for everything. The Cheaps descend to 4-5, and are exhausted from all that winning they had earlier this year. It’s going to be hard for either of these teams to really go on a losing tear, because the AFC West is all about sharing.

Cardinals 21, Eagles 17

I’m really not sure why we still keep picking the Pheebles to blow out bad teams. They ARE a bad team. And, let’s admit it, this is the most fun bad team to watch this year, because they went out and bought a bunch of pro-bowl free agents, had no training camp, and it’s 53 guys all on their own page of inflated over-confidence. It’s like the Miami Heat, except they’re really stinking up the joint. In Philly. Boo!!!

It takes some real planning to make the Crudinals look good, but 123 yards passing, a Sack-&-Fumble coupled with an INT on the next possession, a tidal wave of penalties (11), and a defense more porous than a baseball coach’s sunburned shnozz, the Pheebles had it all worked out. Pheebles whip off 8 punts, which ties them with Carolina (excellent company) for punting honors in Week 10. Pheebles have now blown 5 fourth quarter leads, which really puts them ahead of the Yikings for most stirring Come From Ahead losses.

They’ve got a spot right next to the Deadskin at the Bar now in the basement, and we really wish they were playing each other next week, just to settle who gets which stool, but we have to wait until Jan. 1^st to see who scrapes the bottom of the NFC East. Crudinals now 3-6 but only a game off the pace for first place in the Doormat NFC.

Seahawks 22, Ravens 17

Boy, the Ravens sure can play a crummy game, huh? Clearly looking past the Hags to next week’s big one against the Bengals, the Ravens blow their chance to take over the

AFC North, and the Seahags fall into a victory that they had not prepared for.

Titanics 30, Panthers 3

The Pansies have improved- they’re just plain losing now. Forget the shanked FG at the end of regulation. Just turn in a complete stinker and be done with it. Pansies tied for first in the Doormat NFC.

Dolphins 20, Redskins 9

The Deadskins bring back Rex Grossman from the scalp pile and throw him into the ocean, where the Floppers are waiting in sack formation. Deadskin coach Mike Shanahan loses 5 straight for the first time in his career, so we all recognize his determination and grit for Doormat glory. Floppers playing good ball, Deadskins not.

FAMILIAR FACES

Special shout-outs to the Detroit Kittens, who are starting to look real familiar, and the Buffalo Nils, who are really teetering on the edge of the Basement steps. Both got blown out yesterday and looked nothing like the teams that started off the season on fire.

Kudos, also, to the Tampa Bay Bucs, who crumbled to 4-5 yesterday, and looked every bit like the worst best worst team of Week 10…if you don’t count the Dolts…or the Brownies….or..nevermind.

NFL WORST STATS FOR WEEK 10!

Points: 3 Pansies, DOLTS

First Downs 12 Buccaneers

Yards 212 Dolts

Rush 41 Saints

Pass 69 Denver (and the WON)

Turnovers 4 Buccaneers

Sacked 5 Dolts and 4 other teams

Punts 8 Pansies, Pheebles

Penalties 13-100 Seahags

avg.yard poss 17.6 Dolts

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!