Doormat Division: NFL Week 8 Par-tay!!

PARTY IN ST. LOUIS!!!!

St. Louis Rams 31, New Orleans Saints 21

You didn’t see that coming, did you? What was our prediction? 73-0? 222-0? Here’s what we all forgot: the Saints tend to play really poorly the week after they blow somebody out. And I mean. Cardinals win the World Series and the Lambs actually win a game. Averaging a blowout per game (28-9 average), the Lambs get in on the parade in St. Louis, dunk the Saints in the Big Muddy repeatedly, and Stephen Jackson runs right over the victory-addled Saints in a good old-fashioned beat-down upset. The throwback unis didn’t hurt either. Upset of the year so far. The Lambs lead for 39 minutes, which is 6 times as long as they’ve been ahead ALL SEASON. Nearly everybody took off for the Cardinals parade right after the game, but left a few deputized hard-core tailgaters to guard the scoreboard and make sure it was still 31-21 until well after midnight.

Job well done! The Lambs, er, Rams, now have 87 total points, ballooning their points average up to a gaudy 12.4, seriously jeopardizing their chances to break the record set by the amazing Atlanta Falcons of 1974 (7.9). They also leave the ranks of perfect records, leaving just the Dolts (0-8), Floppers (0-7) and some team called the Packers. They aren’t even in last place in the NFC Worst, for crying out loud. What kind of a league is this?

Baltimore Ravens 30, Arizona Cardinals 27

I’ll tell you what kind of league it is. It’s where you blow a 21 point lead, and you’re coach says “our guys believe in what we’re doing. If you look at the first half, it shows that if we do it the right way, we can be a good football team.” Uh-huh. A quarter here, a half there, pretty soon, you’ve compiled a WHOLE good football game. Crudinals come crashing to the front of the NFC Doormat lead. Guess who’s on the schedule for next week? The Lambs!!! It’s for all the marbles next week in the desert!! Be There.

Or be somewhere far away.

Perhaps by 'available', she means ready to take a few snaps.

Pulling a “Tebow”

Detroit Lions 450, Denver Buncos 10

Well, we were right. It’s Two Mile High stadium now, after the Buncos get blown Rocky Mountain High (man, that’s good sh-) by the kinda pissed off Detroit Lions. Tim Tebow gets mocked on the turf for prayers to the almighty for everything from soup to fumbles. Wanna take a knee? The Lions were only too glad to help- 7 sacks, 5 fumbles, a ‘pick-6’ and just a good old fashioned trouncing. Buncos back to losing big, like we know they can. Up next: the Headless Raiders. He’s heading into the belly of the beast! Get thee to a nunnery!!

WORST TEAM OF WEEK 8

Buffalo Bills 23 Washington Redskins 0

Hold on, you mean we have to CHOOSE? I’m going with the Washington Deadskins, who gave coach Mike Shanahan his first-ever shutout losing 23-0 to the Buffalo Bills, checking in with 10 first downs, NINE sacks, and 178 total net yards. In a close second were the Gaguars, who have 174 total yards, eight punts and nearly bored the Houston Texans to death. It kept them in the game. Deadskins back on the right side of losing, at 3-4.

The Rest of the Gods of Gawdawful

Minnesota Vikings 24, Carolina Panthers 21

They tried. They really did. The Yikings, Kings of the Come From Ahead Loss, had it all set up as time wound down yesterday, giving the Pansies multiple opportunities to pull out the win, but were thwarted from even sending it into overtime in order to lose there, as the Pansies have kicker Orlando Mare shank one from 3 feet away as time expired. And they did it at home! Ka-Blooey!! Honestly, this game was pretty darn fun to watch, both rookie quarterbacks look good, but that ending- the Pansies still are pulling out the deflating losses, no matter what. My Yikings fall to 2-6, and lose a chance to take the lead in the NFC. Grr.

Tennesee Titans 27, Indianapolis Colts 10

Dolts just keep on rolling, rolling…they just keep rolling alooooooooooong.

What’s going to keep this team from losing them all? Peyton Manning returning, which seems to be never, or the Gaguars who show up twice real soon, or the Pansies- who should trounce the Dolts, but…see above. Dolts have serious shot to go 0-16.

Philadelphia Eagles 34 Dallas Cowboys 7

Tony Romo shows Michael Vick who’s boss, and the Cowpies play their worst game of the year- and that’s not chopped liver. Time of possession 17:51- anything under 18 minutes is like never having the ball all day. That’s like taking Sunday off. Maybe run some errands, get a little yardwork done.

Cincinnati Bengals 34, Seattle Seahawks 12

You want chopped liver? The Seahags are your team. Is there really such a thing as a Seahawk, or is that really just a grouchy seagull? I remember throwing chum off the back end of the ferry in the Puget Sound, and the seagulls circling and timing the catch amazingly perfect each time. It’s so pleasing to have a Seahawk catch something you’ve thrown………..not that it happened in Seattle yesterday. Actually, the Hags rang up 350 yards of passing, but shot themselves in the foot so many times in every other phase of the game that they had to play the last quarter driving those ‘retiree’ carts. It was the Jim Zorn Syndrome all over again. Seahags ‘improve’ to 2-5 and the 49ers clinch the NFC Worst.

NY Giants 20 Miami Dolphins 17

The Floppers should have won this game. But, if you’re a Flopper Fan, you can’t say that, because you’d be saying it every week, and people tend to start giving you extra space if you keep saying the same thing all the time. Floppers getting really good at blowing the game late. Still perfect after seven games, the Fish will be hard pressed to go 0-16, though, as bad as they may be. The Cheaps, the Deadskins, the Cowpies , the Pheebles, the Raiders and the Jets can all play a mean game of terrible on any given Sunday, so there’s going to be some more nailbiters like this one. Hang in there, Flopper fans, just be glad the Dolts don’t come to town.

San Francisco 49ers 20, Cleveland Browns 10

Brownies bring it under .500, at 3-4, and just can’t leave the Basement. It’s the orange couch, isn’t it? Make yourself comfortable guys. You have a defense, but still, after all these years, no offense.

THE BEST WORST STATS OF NFL WEEK 8!!!!

Points 0 Deadskins

Yards 174 Gaguars

Rush 26 Deadskins

Pass 90 Gaguars

3^rd dwn conv 2-14 Donkey-Buncos

Sacked 9 Deadskins

Turnovers 3 Donkey-Buncos (plus 1 int for TD!)

Punts: 8 Gaguars, Titans

Penalties: 12-92 Crudinals

Poss: 17:51 Cowpies

So Who Really Is the Worst NFL Team?

The Doormat Division has a storied history of bumbling and fumbling to the most extreme levels of boneheaded badness. But which city or franchise is the all-time doormat?

Well, here are few facts to help answer that question.

Since the beginning of the modern era (the first Super Bowl and the advent of Howard Cosell) we have tracked the biggest doormat from each league/conference, and through detailed statistical analysis, and a few spins of the frozen turkey, have determined the NFL/NFC and AFL/AFC Doormat Champions and each year's winner of the Moldy Carpet Trophy in the Doormat Bowl.

You can see the complete list here: Doormat Champion History.

Here are the teams with the most appearances in the Doormat Bowl:

AFC

Kansas City- 6

Houston- 6 (once as Texans)

Buffalo- 5

Cinncinati-5

New England- 4

NFC

New Orleans- 7

Tampa Bay- 6 (once as an AFC, but 6 total)

Arizona (Phoenix, never at St. Louis)- 5

Atlanta- 4

Detroit- 4

NY Giants- 4

And the teams with the most Moldy Carpet Trophies are

​

Houston- 5 (all as the Oilers)

New Orleans- 3

New England- 3

Detroit- 3

Buffalo- 3

Tampa Bay- 3

From these numbers, it's hard to call an all-time doormat champion, but Houston is a strong favorite with 6 AFC Doormat championships and 5 Moldy Carpets. However, New Orleans (7 and 3) and Tampa Bay (6 and 3) are close. Kansas City has 6 appearances in the Doormat Bowl, but couldn't get the loss.

By the way, the only two perfect Doormat Seasons are Tampa Bay (0-14) in 1976 and Detroit (0-16) in 2008.

We will be posting final season standings and other stats later. Maybe then we can do a little more analysis to determine who is really the Worst City in the NFL

NFL Worst Beat the Odds in Week 8

The Doormat Division heads into the halfway point of the season with several teams who have confusticated the Vegas odds makers this season. The biggest surprise is the Indianapolis Colts, you have jumped head first into the basement and earned the name of Dolts. But there are other teams as well, especially the Philadelphia Pheebles and the Buffalo Nils, both with unexpected records.

So the Oracle from the Basement has tossed out the stats and analysis and gone back to spinning the frozen turkey while chugging a room temperature quart of Ranier. Don't forget the Cheeze Whiz and potato chips.

Gentlemen, here are the predictions. Please post yours as well.

Dolts- 10
Titanics- 13

Saints- 64
Lambs-0

Floppers- 16
NY Giants (or pesky Gnats)-  21

Yikings- 6
Pansies-13

Crudinals- 14
Ravens (Cravens?)-17

Gaguars- 17
Texans- 28

Kittens- 36
Buncos- 33

Bungles- 9
Seahags-3

Cowpies- 36
Pheebles- 12

Cheeps- 17
Bolts- 24

The Oracle has spoken!

THE DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK EIGHT PREVIEW

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WORST WEEK EIGHT PREVIEW

Before we make our predictions, maybe we should consider some facts!

Remember , the team with the EDGE has the best chance to LOSE.

Cleveland Browns at San Francisco 49ers

Ah, the Brownies continue their tour of the NFC Worst with a stop in my town.

Bringing their 6 point explosion in Cleveland with them, the Brownies face the second best defense in the league, which gives up only 16.2 points a game. Cleveland is averaging 16.166666667 points a game…so…how will we be able to tell if the Niner’s defense is working?? Niners only team in the league, except for maybe Cincinnati, that can punt 9 times and win the game. They just pin you to the 7 yard line, and wait for their punt returner to run one back to the other team’s 35,and then Frank Gore runs it in.

EDGE: BROWNIES

Indianopolis Colts at Tennessee Titans

Titans are this year’s mystery team. Dolts are not.

EDGE: DOLTS

New Orleans Saints at St. Louis Lambs

Is Sam Bradford back from his injury? Does it matter? Lambs averaging 9.3 points a game, and allowing 28.5 They are AVERAGING a blowout a week. They lead the league in sacks allowed. They are on a roll. Saints put up a tidy 62 points last week. Wonder how tidy they can be this Sunday? If this isn’t blowout of the week, I’ll eat my beignets. I’m gonna eat them anyway, but hey.

EDGE: LAMBS

Jacksonville Jaguars at Houston Texans

Gaguars kicked 4 field goals and beat the Ravens on Monday. They’re all field-goaled out. They may not bother to score. Houston will make the effort.

EDGE: GAGUARS

Miami Dolphins at New York Giants

Is it time for a cold and miserable game at the Meadowlands yet? Giants are not consistent, and they can play down to the competition, which they tend to do in every game, so give the desperate and fumbling Floppers a chance to BLOW IT IN THE FOURTH QUARTER AGAIN.

EDGE: FLOPPERS

Minnesota Vikings at Carolina Panthers

O, Boy, this looks like yet another excellent opportunity for a Come From Ahead Loss for the Yikings. Cam Newton and Christian Ponder square off in the “slingin’ Rookies” face-off, and whoever throws 3 interceptions carries his team to defeat.

EDGE: YIKINGS

Arizona Crudinals at Baltimore Ravens

Wow, the Ravens sure looked bad on Monday night. Crudinals defense is not as good as Jacksonville’s and they can score a few more points. Suddenly, the Cruds have hope. But, I can’t believe. Ravens rebound.

EDGE: Crudinals

Detroit Lions at Denver Broncos

Lions still reeling after getting beat, Doormat-style, by the Niners, and now have a two game losing streak going. Donkeys have Big Lunk at QB and a dubious defense. Lions should blow them so far off the turf, that’s it’s going to be Two Mile High Stadium.

EDGE: DONKEYS

Cincinnati Bengals at Seattle Seahawks

After that 3-point gem last week, I don’t know why the Seahags should even play any more games. That was perfect. But, I’m sure Pete Carroll has another crafty game plan up his….actually, Hags play much better at home, so this should be another ‘nailbiter.’

EDGE: BUNGLES

Dallas Cowboys at Philadelphia Eagles

Mr. Implosion, Michael Vick, the one man wrecking crew, returns to the gridiron after a week off and will see if he can out do his formidable counterpart, Tony Romo, in the disastrous play at the crucial moment department. Fumbles, interceptions, sacks, it’s all there and available for both of these guys. It’s just a matter of timing.

EDGE: COWPIES

Embarrassing Plays for Bills

Love those Buffalo Nils.
from BuzzTap: http://buzztap.com/-V8YfQD.

Clarification of the Facts

One of our readers has posed the question: do you guys report the actual game or are you making stuff up?

Answer: While we do make some embellishments around the game (for example, saying the defensive coordinator throws his clipboard down in disgust), we never add any fiction to the events on the field. Every play that we report on happened.

There is no need to ever invent bumbling football. On any given weekend in the NFL, there is enough mayhem and bonehead decision making to make it unnecessary to ever make anything up.

This season , so far, has been no different, and possibly record setting in the Doormat Division. We still have 3 winless teams.

We hope this answers your questions.

thank you , readers,

The Doormat Denizens.

Gaguars Blow Opportunity, Win Game

Jaguars 12, Ravens 7

It may not have been a Slufgest, but it was pretty darn close. The Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes and the Jacksonville Gaguars staged a re-enactment of the Pit and the Pendulum last night- at least it must have felt like that to their fans. Just kill me now!

16 punts. 146 total yards of offense from the Ravens. The Ravens didn't get a first down until the 3rd quarter. The Gaguars were not prepared for this level of competition from the Ravens, and, despite not even scoring a touchdown, prevail in this MNS (Monday Night Stiff) that outdid the other 6 Doormat-worthy games they've had on Monday night this year. 16 penalties. SIX fumbles (2 lost). Seven sacks. 23 total first downs. Lord God Almighty, it's a crowded Basement.

I guess we could call it stalwart defense, but....the Doormat Division knows better.

Good grief Jack Del Rio saved his job. By coaching to lose but winning anyway. What a league.

Well, a fitting end to an amazing weekend of football. As DT Rocks said last night, "I'll stop complaining about soccer being boring if this continues." Now them's strong words.

-wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK SEVEN SLUFGEST

The Doormat Division: Where You CAN Win for Losing

Browns 6, Seahawks 3

You can’t just show up in Cleveland at the Brownie Bake-Sale and expect to pick up an easy loss. Forget it. Don’t be fooled by that friendly pregame handshake between the coaches. They’re more malevolent than any Jim Harbaugh explicative and forearm shiver.

Faced with the real possibility of making it to .500, the Brownies do their utmost to position the Seahags for an easy early score and victory, pulling two 3 and outs to start the game, but the Hags counter with three of their own. Undaunted, the Brownies set up a perfect blocked field goal play, giving the Seahags the ball at their own 48 (they tried to let it roll farther, but finally had to down it). Unimpressed , Seattle counters with the most sure play in sports, the Sack-‘n-Fumble, with backup extraordinaire Charlie Whitehurst pulling off the play as best as can be expected from someone who has been on the sideline all year- perfectly. Brownies take over at midfield, take it to 4^th and 3, line up to punt, but Seattle is ready for this, and lines up offside for the classic bonehead dumb-f@*k play by a defense- the neutral zone infraction. You don’t have to burn a single calorie for that. FIRST DOWN- take that, Cleveland. Three more plays of ineptitude, and the Brownies can’t really punt from there, it’s just too obvious, so they have to try a field goal, and the damn thing goes through the uprights. 3-0 Brownies.

[You know, the Brownies have it tough this year- so far they have had to face off with the Dolts (Colts), Floppers (Dolphins), Seahawks, and will still have to play St. Louis, the Crudinals, and the Gaguars. That’s a murderer’s row in the Doormat. That’s a WHO’S WHO in the NFL WORST.]

But back to the game, if we can call it that. 47 punts and an interception later, the Brownies punt again (my foot is sore just writing this) and do the special teams Scramble, opening up a lane a Biggest Loser could fit through, and the Seahags score a touchdown!

Except no! A game-saving penalty illegal block nowhere near the ballcarrier nullifies the phantom only touchdown of the game, and it’s back to the maneuvering. Brownies coach Pete Shurmer flips off Pete Carroll. Seattle continues the brilliant play calling by calling the deep interception. Brownies coaches failed to yell loud enough for the safety to drop the damn ball. Defensive coordinator throws down his clipboard and glowers. Brownies counter with another 3 and out.

Brownies finally put together something so inept that even Whitehurst can’t screw it up, and the Seahags get a long pass for 40 yards. Brownies call a timeout, to arrange the scoring drive from there. A hilariously obvious face mask for 15 yards moves Seattle into field goal range, and the Hags put on the brakes really hard right there. Once again, the ball wobbles through the uprights and the Stiff of the Week (and maybe the century) is TIED. 3-3 mid 3^rd quarter. The lines at the concession stand are epic, and the parking lot barbecues start to smoke.

It’s really a shame this game didn’t go to overtime. What else is there to do in Cleveland than to watch a game of this caliber?? If you want to get an idea of what eternity is like, attend this game. The very next drive the Seahags maneuver the Brownies down the field expertly, falling down, falling over and getting out of harm’s way. Brownies try to stop the carnage, but can’t. Yet another 53 yard field goal floats through the goalposts, and Cleveland regains the lead, 6-3. There was plenty of time of time left, and the Brownies called another blocked field goal play, but it came to nothing as the Hags end the game with a PERFECT bonehead personal foul to give Cleveland the first down and run out the clock. The Brownies tried, but the Seahags had the better game plan, and the most grind-it-out loss of the season goes to the pros from Mold City, the Seattle Seahags. Seahags have possession of ball for only 17 minutes the entire game. This is a Doormat record. Hats off to Pete Carroll and his coaching staff for a brilliant Doormat performance. Whew!

BA-LOOOOOOOWWWWWW-OUT of the WEEK

Colts 7, Saints 62

I don’t know how anybody is going to stop the Dolts. These guys just are hitting on all cylinders. Every single phase of the game is fine-tuned now, right down to the glum wide receivers on the sideline looking up into the domed sky, and the back-up QB who looks personally ashamed for the whole franchise. Unfortunately for the Dolts, the cloning lab Peyton Mannings won’t be ready for another 19 years, so guess what? Settle back and enjoy some consecutive Doormat Molday Carpet Trophies. God, I wish the Lambs were on the schedule. I’d PAY to watch that. Saints win by largest margin in franchise history, which is saying something considering Drew Brees is just about the slingin-est QB on the planet. This record should last until….next week when they play the Lambs.

Rams 7, Cowboys 34

Sam Bradford takes a seat on the bench, and Tony Romo has no answer for the losing machine that is the St. Louis Lambs. The institutional level of losing is so professional, that it’s going to take the Crudinals to get a win out of the Lambs, and I doubt even that.

The Lambs pick up the news that rookie Cowpie RB Demarco Murray does not have a rushing TD yet, and decide to do something memorable: a 1^st quarter 98 yard saunter straight down the field for the longest first career TD since the AFL-NFL merger in 1492. Game over.

SPECIAL HONORS!

Raydurz 0, Cheaps 28

Rustiest QBs award goes to the Oakland Raiders who unveil a barrage of interceptions between Kyle Boller and Mr. Creaky, Carson Palmer, in the kind of embarrassment that had Al Davis spinning in his crypt all afternoon. I hope the lid is real tight on that thing.

3 interceptions apiece for the tag-team Clowns in Silver in Black. SIX interceptions, with two run back for touchdowns. Cheaps have no chance against this onslaught, absolutely no answer, and pull to 3-3. A sell-out crowd of Silver and Blacked Out are wearing two eye patches by halftime. Raydurz in serious trouble and may be returning to the basement immediately. It’s not like we run a tight ship down here, but I really hated cleaning up after those guys.

THE REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL

Honestly, I could be writing all day, yesterday was so incredible.

Dolphins 15, Broncos 18

If it hadn’t been for the Seahags-Brownies, this is the game of the week in the Doormat.

And it didn’t disappoint. The Dolphins, with their perfect record in serious jeopardy, pull off the best Come From Ahead loss of the season, giving up 15 points in about 30 seconds in the 4^th quarter, taking it to overtime and, after the Donkeys do just about nothing in OT, finally call the old standby, the Sack-‘n-Fumble, and the Donks have no choice but to attempt a field goal, which clears the uprights in Miami and sends all those Tim (two left feet) Tebow fans home happy, and the Floppers home still neck and neck (get it?) with the Dolts. 11 total sacks in the game! Up next for the Flops- the Giants, which is no gimme. Donkeys ‘improve’ to 2-4 and play the alarmingly deflated Detroit Kittens next week.

Steelers 32, Cardinals 20

The Crudinals may not be tearing the league up with ineptitude, but they are still pulling down the ‘L’s and you can’t argue with their prime weapon: the perfectly timed penalty. Steelers get 4 free first downs at just the right moment, and the rest is gravy.

Vikings 27, Packers 33

Yet another Come-From-Ahead loss for the Yikings- that’s five out of six losses. It’ll set a record, if they keep it up.

Panthers 33, Redskins 20

Pansies try really hard to keep to field goals, leading only 9-6 at halftime, but it all falls apart in the second half, as the Deadskins start a concerted gameplan of turnovers and orange cone defense (complete with flagmen), and the Pansies have no chance but to run through green lights for the entire second half. Congratulations, Pansie fans. Your team won a second game before the mid-way point of the season.

Tune in tonight for Monday Night Embarrassment, as the Jacksonville Gaguars go on primetime for the Jack Del Rio Swansong against the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes.

THE WORST STATS FOR NFL WEEK SEVEN !!!

Points: 0 Raydurz

First Downs: 9 Seahags

Total yards: 137 Seahags

Passing: 72 Seahags

Rushing: 32 Buccaneers

3^rd down con: 1-12 Kittens (looking like their old selves)

Turnovers: 6 Raydurz

Sacked: 7 Donkeys

Punts: 9 Donkeys (17 for the game total)

Penalties: 14-120 Raydurz (they just don’t stop)

Time of Poss: 17:04 Seahags (Doormat record)

NFL Worst Predictions Week 7

New Offensive Front Line for Miami 

​The NFL worst move into Week 7 showing great signs of true badness.

For the Dolphins, nothing else has worked, so the Miami Floppers decided to think out of the box and go with a new front line for pass protection. Chad Henne is going to need it as he has only thrown for 868 yards all season and balanced his passing with 4 interceptions and 4 touchdowns. The tough part is he has been eating tartan turf most of the road games. At least he gets soft, moist grass at home. This new front line, hopefully, will distract pass rushers long enough for Henne to actually throw the ball while not running for his life and screaming for his mother.

This week the pass rushers are the Denver Donkeys, a defense that gives up 300 yards a game average. So, their average. But this should be the Doormat Division matchup of the week. Denver was in the Doormat Bowl last year and may get there again this year. Miami has shown this season that they can lose any game. Should be a good time on the moldy duct tape covered couch.

And speaking of offense and defense ratings, the Patsies have the top rated offense and the lowest rated defense in the NFL through week 6. Who says you can't win without defense? Oh, they didn't always win? My bad.

And now it's time for all of the NFL Week 7 Predictions for the Doormat Division:

Seahags- 12

Brownies- 9

Donkeys- 24

Floppers- 21

Deadskins- 17

Pansies- 14

(Actually, this is a game the Pansies can win. But they won't.)

Cheeps- 10

Raiders- 35

Steelers- 21

Crudinals- 17

Lambs- 0

Cowpies- 16

Dolts- 13

Saints- 36

Gaguars- 7

Ravens- 28

And now for the blowout of the week--

Green Bay- 46

Yikings- 6

And let's give a Doormat shout out to the NY Zeps. Your doormat is at the design shop right now.

Bolts- 28

Zeps- 10

THE DOORMAT SHUFFLE: Fallout from NFL WEEK SIX

Doormat QB Shuffle!!

Sure enough, Week Six has started the general landslide, where the pride of the basement decide that changing quarterbacks will solve their problem…uh-huh.

Always start by cutting off the head, that way when you’re running around the field like a chicken with it’s head cut off, it’s natural. And, it’s easier to change the QB than the entire front line- besides, there isn’t enough room on the bench for those guys.

DEADSKINS!! Washington Redskins coach Mike Shanahan throws Rex Grossman into the doghouse (though it was nearly intercepted) and elevates eternal journeyman John Beck to the starting position. Never heard of John Beck? That’s perfect. He hadn’t played a down since 2005 for Miami until last Sunday, when Grossman finally just went super Doormat All-Star. Now Rex has little chance of leading the league in INTs, and we’re sorry about that. He was on fire.

Based on 5 games he started in 2005 for the Dullfins, Beck’s INT-TD Ratio is 3-1, so he should pick right up where Rex left off. It’s nice to have choices.

YIKINGS! Minnesota Vikings QB Donovan McNabb is replaced by Tomahawk Choppin’ (FSU) QB Christian Ponder. McNabb was nearly at the bottom of the stats in just about every category, so might as well let a rookie get in there and find out just how fast those linebackers and defensive ends are. Yikings look like they are really jumping into the abyss. How much worse could it get? We’ll find out. If the Minnesota fans start doing the chop, I will disown them. I will burn my purple pants.

DONKEYS!! Speaking of Florida, Tim Tebow gets the start over Kyle Orton for Denver this Sunday in Miami. The Dolphins have sold 10,000 tickets since finding out TT will be starting. Donkeys have home field advantage and will win. Floppers will not be making QB change because they have run out of QBs. There will be no QB. Same with Denver.

LAMBS! Sam Bradford is hurt. Probably in about 14 places. The man who hits the turf more often than anybody in the league, and with more force, takes a breather and Ultra-Journeyman AJ Feeley will…run for his life all day in Dallas. Condolence cards or wreaths should be sent to : 1 Rams Way, St. Louis MO 63044

BUNGLES!!!!! Non-QB Carson Palmer finally gets off his butt (and off our sofa) and gets traded to the Oakland Raiders. I can never figure out if Palmer is really great, or just the guy who commits the worst mistakes at the worst time. The Cincinatti Bengals are just about the most baffling team in the NFL, and Palmer figured that out and wanted off the roller coaster. I can’t think of another team that goes, since 2000, 4-12, 6-10, 2-14, 8-8, 8-8, 11-5, 8-8, 7-9, 4-11, 10-6, 4-12. That’s not football. That’s a yo-yo. The rustiest man in sports goes under center this Sunday in Oakland against the cheaps. Be there.

SEAHAGS!!!

Oh, who cares who is QB for these guys? Have another coffee.

The Doormat Division: NFL WEEK SIX WRAP-UP and DISPOSAL

DOORMAT DIVISION 2011: NFL WEEK SIX

Week Six is the big one. Ever since we set up the basement- threw down the ‘green’ shag carpet, hauled in the orange Duct Tape couch, plugged in the Zenith, and flickered on the Rainer neon- we’ve learned that week six is one of the crucial weeks in the NFL. Desperate teams either come out swinging, or lie down like Lambs. Early season surprises meet in high energy pit fights to claim supremacy, or suddenly don’t look so hot. The really good teams start to just crush people, and the season is sealed for a LOT of members of the basement. Notice how 4 Doormats had the week off? Wonder how much cash it took to buy off the NFL schedule pimps and skip #6. It’s your last chance to turn it around for this season.

Who’s Not A Doormat?

49ers 25, Lions 19

Why am I even covering this game? Because these teams have both come stormin’ out of the basement, both of them improbable (49ers the most), and it’s our ex-doormats duking it out for bragging rights to hottest turn-around and Division leads. Good Grief!!

In a jaw dropping perfect imitation of a classic Raiders game, the Niners commit 15 penalties (tying the Raiders for this year’s high) for 120 yards, punt NINE times, get only 14 first downs, get a couple of huge plays at the crucial moment, play smash mouth defense, and unbelievably win the game in the final minutes at the Kat Box. It wasn’t pretty. What else to expect from two just recent ex-doormats? They wanted to kill each other. They still do.

The Lions and Niners linemen are going to need 2 weeks to recover from this game. Niners get it. On at least two occasions, everybody on the line made impact at the same time and stood each other up, like a freeze frame. You almost never see that. WHAM!

With the Detroit fans going bonkers, the 49ers come out stumbling on offense, but are insane on defense. Matthew Stafford looks like his old self, falling backward, getting canned, and throwing sidearm to the general area of Chris Johnson.

The Niners run Frank Gore RIGHT AT Ndamukong Suh, and it works like crazy.

OK, so the Lions aren’t going to go 16-0. They aren’t going 5-11 either. So improbable are the Niners at 5-1, that coach Jim Harbaugh gave Detroit coach Jim Schwartz a forearm shiver and a kick in the nuts at the traditional post game hand shake. OK, it wasn’t that bad, but Schwartz came back at him, players had to separate them, and they sorta made up in the tunnel to the locker room. But not really. If these teams make it to the playoffs, a rematch will be off the hook.

BLOWOUTS OF THE WEEK!

BEARS 39, VIKINGS 10

The Yikings started the season with an All-Star 4 Come From Ahead losses, then really honestly tried and won a game, and then hit the Barcalounger. Whew! At some point you realize you better focus on the little things. Like 15 first downs, 53 yards rushing, 1-3 in the red zone, 0-2 on 4^th down, and start a game with 2 punts and a safety. All of those things are little, small, tiny things. Yikes are 1-5 and host the Packers next week. Yikes!

Packers 24, Rams 3

The Lambs pile up 424 useless yards, QB Sam Bradford attempts to pull into a tie for most interceptions (7) with a nifty goal-line INT, and the Lambs go 0-3 in the red zone.

Lambs defense opens up some extra lanes to improve traffic flow, and Aaron Rodgers drives the bus through for 21 second quarter points. Game over. Bradford gets 3 more sacks to pad his league-leading 22. Lambs definitely the inside fave to win it all in the Doormat NFC. But don’t count out the Pansies just yet.

THAT SINKING FEELING

Falcons 31, Panthers 17

The Carolina Pansies- last year’s Moldy Carpet Trophy winners, are starting to settle in.

Cam Newton is getting the hang of it- try to win the game all by yourself and think you can throw a pass through a hole even a mouse wouldn’t attempt. 3 interceptions for Cam, and a Doormat worthy passer rating on the day of 44.6. Welcome to the club, Cam. I’m not taking down the Pansy wallpaper in the basement now. Pansies 1-5 and host the Deadskins next week.

Steelers 17 Jaguars 13

STIFF OF THE WEEK! Gaguars punt 7 times, amass 76 yards passing, play terrible and still have a shot to beat the slowly disintegrating Pittsburgh Steelers. Ha! Gaguars watch their season sink into the Allegheny river, never to be seen again. Time to go for worst.

Don’t fire Del Rio now, you guys are starting to look good in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. Go for it. Gaguars are 1-5, but still not last in the AFC South, because…

Bengals 27, Colts 17

Give up now, Dorothy. Peyton Manning is your brain, and you don’t have it. The Colts stage this season’s first really good Futile Comeback, pulling within 3 points with 9 minutes to go, but remember who they are and go with the perfect fumble on the carpet with 2 minutes to go and the Bungles run it in for the TD and the final nail in the horseshoe.

Colts still without a blemish at 0-6, worst in the NFL. The Bungles are 4-2, people, and get the week off. When do they ever play a team with a winning record again? They may get to be this year’s Mirage team.

Raiders 24, Brownies 17

Sloooooowly, sloooowly the Brownies descend again into the dank dank basement. Raiders lose QB Jason Campbell for the season. Not good. Kyle Boller is not the answer.

Eagles 20 Redskins 13

The Feebles save themselves from Week Six damnation, pulling out a gutsy victory against the ‘resurgent’ Deadskins, and at 2-4 still have a shot at being a football team. Michael Vick still gets in an INT (8), but Deadskin QB Rex Grossman throws FOUR to rocket to 9 on the season and the lead in the interception derby. A spectacular 23.7 rating for the week for Rex, aaand a benching. Wow!

Jets 24 Dolphins 6

Hey..the Floppers are really really putting on a show. True Doormat membership means refusing to be outdone by some other team’s charity. Shining example: The Flops kick a field goal in the first quarter, and recover the muffed kick-off at the Jets 18. Never miss an opportunity to give back – Flops promptly throw INT at the Jets 1, and it goes 99 the other way- touchdown, Jets. You have to love that.

Dolphins end up with more first downs than the Jets, outgain the Jets, and outshoot themselves in the foot more than the Jets- which is really saying something. 2-12 on first down, 3 turnovers, 0-3 in the red zone. Look out DOLTS, the 0-5 Floppers are for real.

The Flaw-fins, the Dull-fins, the Flops host Denver next week, so it’s going to take some Doormat preparation to blow that game. Don’t count the Flops out, ever. They can get the loss anywhere, anytime.

You GOTTA love WEEK SIX!!

NFL WEEK SIX WORST STATS

Points: 3 Lambs

TDs: 0 Lambs, Dolphins

First Downs: 13 Jets

Yards: 209 Gaguars

Rush: 42 Deadskins

Pass: 76 Gaguars

3rd down: 1-10 Deadskins (Lions 2-15)

Turnovers: 4 Deadskins, Saints, Pats

Sacked: 5 Gaguars, Yikings, Lions

Punts: 9 Niners

Penalties 15-120 Niners

AAAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement..urp.

The Loss Leaders- The NFL's WORST STATS WEEK 5!!

The Loss Leaders: The NFL’s Worst Stats! Week 6, 2011

Five weeks is a fair and balanced chunk of time to establish your credentials in the NFL….for the basement! If you can’t fumble the game away by now, you probably aren’t going to do it.

THIRD DOWN CONVERSIONS

If you can’t make a first down, you can at least help the other team get some. It’s only fair.

The new kings of the Basement, the Colts are leading the league in 3^rd down conversions given up 49.3%. WOW. It must feel like 99% in Coltville.

Miami and St. Louis are duking it out for First Worst in converting their own 3^rd downs at

26.5% and 27.9%, respectively. If respect has anything to do with it. Unfortunately, they will not be playing each other, a real Doormat let-down. But the Lambs DO get the Seahags (33%) Nov.20^th. That should be a real…long tailgate. I’ll just have one more brat..and a beer….and watch a cooking show.

MOST INTERCEPTIONS

Everybody loves this one, and it’s a helluva battle.

Kyle Orton and Philip Rivers faced off last week in the Battle for What Are Our Colors Again?, and Rivers took the lead in the first half, only to see Orton respond with a costly INT in the second half. Tied at 7! But, unbeknownst to them, on the other side of the country, Eagles QB Michael Vick throws an incredible FOUR interceptions in week 5, and finishes the day with 7 INTs on the year. WOW! Throw in 2 more by the back-up, and you’ve got a league leading 9 for the Feebles.

Interceptions, player:

Vick, Eagles, 7

Orton, Broncos, 7

Rivers, Chargers, 7

Bradford, Rams, 6 (he’s a game behind, so give him a chance)

Interceptions, Team

Eagles, 9 (Eagles have more INTs than passing TDs)

Broncos, 7

Cardinals, 7

Cowboys, 7

Chargers, 7

I put the Chargers at the bottom, because they have a winning record. Pfftt!

LOWEST QB RATING, TEAM:

If you can get it under 60, your offense is hitting on all the burnt out cylinders.

I mean, your line stinks, your coach stinks, and your quarterback really ought to be backing up somebody else. I hear Mark Rypien’s daughter is tearing up the Lingerie league.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars 58.7

2 Rams 69.7

Lowest? Eagles backup QB, Mike Kafka (47.7). Unless he undergoes some sort of METAMORPHOSIS, Vick’s job is safe.

NFL WORST Doormat QB All Star:

QB Sam Bradford, St. Louis Lambs! 70.8 rating, 19 sacks (1^st) , 5.6 yards per attempt (1^st), and 48.7 (1^st) completion average. How many milliseconds is Sam getting to drop back and throw before the tidal wave hits him on every play? Yow! He’s got Happy Feet! Not happy enough. The Rams running game has left them, so…duck. It’s gonna be a looooooooooooong season in St. Louis.

Most Times SACKED

Getting dropped on your ass tells us a lot about a team, mostly that the offensive line is a bit too fat, a bit too slow, doesn’t really like the QB, nobody’s open, and the QB holds the ball waaaaaaaaay too long.

1. Bradford, Rams 19 (some say 18, some say 19)

2. Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler, Bears, 18

3. Kevin Kolb, Cardinals, 16

4. Rothlisberger, Steelers 15

5. Whoever, Miami 14

A GOOD KICK IN THE TEETH

Runback yardage, most allowed.

The Carolina Panthers (Pansies) come in with a whopping 27 yards of return for every punt they kick. Nobody else even comes close. Think about this. Even if not EVERY punt gets run back 30 yards, MOST of them are. Even if you kick it to the 15, your opponent brings it out to the 42. That’s insane. Cam Newton can throw all the touchdowns he likes. He’s not going to win when the other team gets to start in his front yard.

Most Punts

This is the Boring Game meter. If you can get over the magic 7 punts a game, you are in a class by yourself! This means not only are you bad, you’re a stiff. Nobody’s there yet, but the Seahags have the inside track.

1. Seahawks, 33 6.6 (avg. per game)

2. Bengals, 32 6.4

3. Jets 31 6.2

4. Bears 30

Yep, there’s some of the most boring teams in the league, right there.

[The Bungles have opened the season playing nothing but Doormats (but losing to the resurgent 49ers and Bills), so don’t give up on them yet. They’ve got some ‘L’s left in them.]

Punt Average

And, the ONLY way to lead the league in punting (avg yards, that is) is to have a team that can’t get over the 40 yard line most of the time. It’s fun to be on a loser if you’re the punter. You become the most important guy on the team.

1. Andy Lee, San Francisco 51.6 This won’t last if they keep winning.

2. Brian Colquitt, Denver Broncos 50.7 That’s having a LOT of field to work with

PENALTIES!

If you can’t lose the old-fashioned way, by just getting run over, call for the yellow hanky play. Give the other guys as many chances as possible. They deserve it.

Most FIRST DOWNS given up by Penalty

This stat is the real killer in penalty land. Just when you think they’re punting, you give them another set of downs. The Oakland Raiders come in so far in front on this, it’s not even a contest.

1. Raiders 22

2. Cardinals 13

3. Tampa Bay 12

The Raiders always commit a lot of penalties, but somehow they are winning anyway. It’s going to catch up with them. Unless, of course, they just keep pulvering the other teams to the point where they really don’t wanna be on the field anymore. Funny how that works.

MOST PENALTIES:

1. Oakland Raiders 10 per game!

2. Tampa Bay 8.8

3. Chicago 8.6

4. Seattle 8.2

RUSHING YARDS GIVEN UP

You can get away with giving up a lot of yards in the air, as long as you stop them somewhere (bend but don’t break), but you can’t let them run over you. It’s demoralizing, and it eats up the clock. You end up on the field all night long, and pretty soon you just give up.

Our leaders are a who’s who of the Doormat Division:

1. Rams 179.8 (Lord have mercy on their fans)

2. Colts 145.2

3. Eagles 140.2

4. Bills 138.4

Bills keeping afloat by just scoring so damn fast it doesn’t matter. Them and the Lions. Lions only give up 114 a game, though, so look for them to win more often.

RUSHING YARDS, PERIOD

Tired of watching your guy run into the line…and falling backward? Anything under 100 yards is anemic.

1. Titans 66.6 yards per game.

2. Jets 76.2 holy mother Mary this team is boring.

3. Colts 82

4. Seahawks 83

5. Giants 83.8

6. Browns 85.8

7. Cowboys 86.8

8. Rams 92.8

Somehow the Titans are 3-2, as are the Giants. Their defense is bailing them out, and the passing is just getting them over. Without Peyton Manning, the Colts are TOAST.

The GIVE AND TAKE

Remember, if they give you the ball, be charitable, and give it right back.

The Philadelphia Feebles come in WAY WAY WAY ahead in the Giveaway Takeaway Derby, with a -10 total. Good old Michael Vick, dancing around with a bread loaf, putting on the turf (7 times) or chucking it up there for whoever. What a giver.

1. Feebles -10

2. Cowpies -4

3. Crudinals -4

The Feebles lead the league in interceptions AND fumbles (7). It’s just a one-man wrecking crew over there. He makes the rushing yards look good, but what’s it matter if you don’t have the ball after all that prancing around?

What’s it all mean?

Here’s what it means: The Rams really are a well rounded bad team. Ditto the Colts, though I think they are improving at QB. The Jets really should lose a boatload. Look for them to make it in the 10 club. The Eagles are shooting themselves in the foot better than any team in the league. Keep it up, and they rule the NFC Basement. But, right now, the Lambs are far more consistently, and institutionally, bad.

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!