NFL Pics Week 17 in the Doormat Division

We are sprucing up the cellar for the New Year's Eve party and Week 17 chip and beer blowout on Jan. 2. This could be one of the best NFL Doormat weeks ever. The old salsa is scraped off the Green Bay Packers throw rug, we have a brand new keg of Hamms beer in the cooler, the ash trays have been emptied and I cleaned up the Barcalounger with some WD-40. It looks real shiny and smells new. And the neon Blitz sign is working again, though it leans a little to the right on the wall. Time to plunk down on one of our two red naugahyde barstools and make some predictions for the Doormats in Week 17.

The Oracle from the Basement predicts:

Pansies- 0
Falcons- 75
{Pansies complete 2-14 season. A great year for a Doormat)

Yikings- 10
Kittens-7
(Kittens can't win four in a row, can they?)

Nils- 21
Jets-24
(A cliffhanger, but Jets hold on so they can lose in the first round of the playoffs)

Bungles- 10
Ravens- 40
(Without homefield advantage in Bunglelonia Cincy is toast)

Cowpies- 10
Eagles-- 24
(Goodbye, Cowpies)

Crudianals- 8
049ers- 9
(stiff of the year, but no Single-minded at least)

Gauguars- 44
Texans- 30

Buncos/Donks- 12
Chargers- 17

Lambs-12
Seahags- 17

(This is the Doormat game of the century. With a lSt. Louis loss in Seattle, NFC West makes history by offering a team for the playoffs that could not even win half its games. Does that mean Seattle takes the division? It couldn't happen to a nicer city. Someone call Dr. Kramer for some help in this troubled time for sports in the Emerald City. Looks more like radioactive moss right now.)

And who will be our Doormat winners? The Pansies obviously have a lock on the NFC, though the NFC West has managed to stumble its way to notoriety, sort of like Vanilla Ice. But in the AFC, it's hard to call. Bills lose, Buncos lose, Bungles lose. But I predict the tiebreaker of points for and against divided by 3 and multiplied by turnovers divided by 4 will result in an AFC Doormat Championship for the "dark" horse Buncos. A from out of nowhere swan dive to the bottom of the AFC.

And that's where the Oracle ends for this year. What are your pics, guys? C'mon, pony up.

Yikings Complete Upside Down Week 16

As if the NFL Doormats hadn't already turned the race to the bottom into Final Destination XVI, the Yikings step up without Brett Farve and put an untested quarterback into the cannon and pull off an unlikely comeback win over the soaring Eagles.

Maybe the Vikings' season would have been different without Farve? But who cares about what ifs? We got what is, and that's classic Yiking victory in a frozen north pole landscape.

This moldy carpet is up for grabs.

NFL Doormat Division Week XVI Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division Week XVI Wrap-Up and Drop Kick into….

World Turned Upside Down!

Sorry I’m late with this, I fell asleep during the Laughing Clown Malt Liquor Bowl and boy did I wake up with a jolt. Or maybe that was the bare wires and the squishy carpet. The Zenith was showing nothing but snow when I woke up, so knew I was in another dimension.

Donkey-Buncos WIN. Crudinals WIN (Cowpies lose!). Bungles WIN (two in a row!!!). Nils….okay okay. But Detroit. The LIONS. Excuse me, I gotta clear my throat for this:

DETROIT LIONS WIN….THREE….IN…A…ROW!!!

Lions 34, Floppers 27

Break out the peppermint schnapps and fire up the ’74 deVille!!! Put on a stack of Motown records a MILE HIGH!! The Motor City is back in business. Not only have the Lions done the Doormat pull-up out of the Basement (3 in a row), they win their second in a row on the ROAD, which has not happened since the Harding administration. I bet you don’t even know who that IS. Or WHEN. The Lions score 17 points in the final 4:36, against all odds, and WIN the game. The Fins, in a flurry of turnovers, just out-doormatted them, hands down, and get themselves under .500 with just a game to go. Unfortunately, Miami has begun their slide too late and cannot get the magic 10 losses.

Does this mean the Lions, the most consistently hapless NFL franchise for decades, are going to be a team to be reckoned with next year OUTSIDE the Doormat Div.? Well, ask the Brownies. They won 4 in a row to close out last year, and yesterday they nailed down their 10^th loss. So, in a word…NO. It means absolutely NOTHING.

But who cares? Break out the motor oil, cut cookies in the vacant lot next door, start a bonfire in the street with a pile of abandoned Ford Fiestas and Chevy Cavaliers! The sun is shining, figuratively, in Detroit. Congratulations, you long suffering Kat Box faithful, your team has positioned itself for next week’s total beat-down of the Minnesota Yikings, the #1 wuss-meisters in the NFL.

Yikings -0, Eagles -0

Good grief. This has to be the Yikings making the call on this one after last week’s freeze-bomb at Gopher Hole stadium. Pennsylvania’s governor was not happy. We agree- get out there in the snow and play you bunch of pansies! Somebody ask Carl Eller what he thinks. Who cares if the wind is blowing 40mph and the visibility is zero from the 3^rd row. Do you think anybody actually wants to see this game with no obstructions? Just take your 10^th loss like men, and relax in the barcalounger in the Basement.

NFC WORST UPDATE

By God, and anybody else you want to invoke, it’s gonna happen. We are going to have a division champion with a losing record. You just watch.

0-4-9ers 17, Lambs 25

Ready…aim…FIRE!!! Voltaire and Marx Bros. team up on the script for this one, and Mike Singletary gets the juiciest lines and finds himself, yet again, in a sideline argument with a QB that has to be broken up by a wide receiver and 3-4 other bored teammates. I just…it’s all…this team may have 5 victories but WOW is this top-down ineptitude. Jed York FINALLY fires coach Single-minded with one game to go. Why? Who cares? What is wrong with you? Do you know that the 0-4ers don’t even have a General Manager? Will they even have an NFL team next year? Stanford could beat these guys.

Seahags 15, Buccaneers 38

Pulling the kind of tank job only a team with a vision can create, the Hags play terrible D, and the O-line does the jello wiggle and falls down. Tampa Bay, with a shred of hope for a playoff spot, recognizes the Seattle plan for next week’s showdown with St. Louis, and takes the game in a blaze of competence.

Next week’s ridiculous game between the HAGS and the LAMBS, in Seattle, has been moved to prime time so everyone, everybody, all the little children, can watch history in the making as the Hags will pull out the win at home, end up tied with the Lambs, and take the Division Crown at 7-9. Be there next Sunday- 5pm. The Doormat Division should get an analyst on the haltime show, if they had any sense over there in TV-land.

The Run to the Moldy Carpet

NFC

The Carolina Pansies clinch the NFC with Thursday’s loss, and everybody else’s bonehead wins yesterday. Not only that, but Pansies can keep under 200 points scored AND achieve a +200 point differential next week in Atlanta, which seems very doable.

Congratulations, Carolina, and may I say, the Pansy wallpaper is looking goooooood here in the basement. Their only real threat were the Arizona Crudinals, but…

Cowpies 26, Crudinals 27

The Cruds couldn’t help it. Derek Anderson got a concussion and they threw John Skelton out there and OMG he’s competent. You are not getting the Moldy Crown if you have a QB who doesn’t make at least 7-8 real bonehead mistakes a game. Derek Anderson was going to set the record for lowest passer rating for a full season in NFL history. Now it’s all wasted effort, and the Cruds win a game that normally they would lose. But oh, gosh it feels good to award the coveted 10^th loss to the Cowpies. They couldn’t be more deserving, don’t you think? Welcome to the club, America’s (most over-inflated) Team.

AFC

It’s going to the WIRE, over here in the AFC, where everybody has started getting on the wrong side of the W’s, and the worst we’ve got is 4-11- But it’s the Nils, Bungles and Donkey-Buncs neck and neck with the Brownies and Tex-ass-tons still in there with maybe a shot.

No head to head next week, too damn bad. The final week is very hard to call, because a whole raft of teams just became meaningless, and will be on vacation next week, trying to just not get injured before they hit the golf course in Florida.

Bungles

Just two weeks ago the Bungles looked like a LOCK. Not anymore. Bungles have inside track because they get the Ravens in Baltimore, where Frank Zappa’s bust is going to be used as the tee for kick-offs and the Ravens, though they have clinched the playoffs, can still win the division, so….the Bungles chances for a win are: NEVERMORE, you knuckleheads.

Nils

Nils stay in the hunt by staging a turnover clinic in Buffalo, coughing up the ball SEVEN times. I think that’s the season high. Man, are these Yaks dedicated. Now Nils travel to the Jets, where the pride of Queens have backed into the playoffs playing pretty close to cellar-ball as you can do and still make the postseason (looking ominously like last year’s Bungles). Will the Jets mail it in? Last year, in their final game for a playoff tune-up, the Bungles got ZERO yards passing (and that was with the first string in there for 3 quarters). Can the Jets come up with a flop like that? This isn’t Bunglonia, folks. Nils get the ‘L.’

Donkey-Buncos

I really thought these guys had it wired until yesterday, until they put in Mr. Confident, Tim Tebow, and he goes all winner on us and pulls off an inspiring comeback. Of course, it just may have been the Texans elbowing their way into Doormat contention.

Donky-buncs host the Chargers, who just got eliminated from the playoffs after yesterday’s quagmire in Bunglonia, and I’m calling that the Chargers fold their tent and start making tee-off times mid-game. Denver wins final game and BLOWS the Doormat Moldy Carpet AFC crown.

Should Nils and Bungles end in tie, we’ll have to do some sifting, because they did not go head-to-head. Tiebreakers are points for-against and Division record. Stay tuned.

I have no idea what the Brownies or Texans chances are, so we’ll just wait until the 3 front-runners do their thing to even worry about those guys. A 5 win team is a lot in the basement-kinda odd to have a 5-win team win AFC Doormat at the same time a 7-9 team wins a division. It’s a World Turned Upside Down folks, or maybe all in the middle, but we’ve got our feet firmly on the ceiling here in the basement.

Weak XVI Futility Meter- ruled by the Kings-to-be.

Points: 3 Nils, Pansies

First downs: 7 Pansies

Yards: 119 Pansies

Passing: 45 Pansies

Rushing 67 Lions

Turnovers 7 Buffalo

Punts 8 Pansies

Passer rating 33 Clausen, Pansies (how did he beat Nils’s Fitzpatrick??

Okay that’s enough! It’s BBQ tonight on the Grill of a ’74 Dodge Dart!

aaaaAAAAAAAND That’s the View From the BASEMENT!!!!

Doormat Division Week XVI Preview!

Doormat Division Week XVI Preview

Pretty quiet here in the Basement this morning. Just me and the possum that’s in here somewhere after somebody left the sliding door to the patio open all night long. The little space heater has it all the way up to 44º, so I can’t complain. And neither can my hairless friend. That doesn’t actually distinguish a possum from a person, do it? His diet doesn’t, either. Speaking of playing possum…

Pansies 3, Steelers 27

Getting a leg up on the rest of the Division on a Thursday, and the only doormat that gets to properly relax on Christmas Day (these guys are so on top of it), the Carolina Pansies put up the kind of numbers that should hold up on the Futility Meter by next Monday.

The real score in this game is 270-3, but the zero was taken off as a math-ratio-rounding deal. No touchdown. 7 first downs. 119 yards total offense. 8 punts. 2 turnovers. 33 passer rating. 3-13 on 3^rd down (Steelers 4-12). Somehow the Pansies managed 24:36 time of possession, which indicates just how slovenly they were about getting up to the line. Does Carolina even have wide receivers? What is Steve Smith doing out there? Holding a bridge club with the 3 guys covering him? Somebody’s got to be open. Somebody better be open later tonight when I do my shopping, that’s for sure. I DID get the tree, though. Purple aluminum with 32 (nfl-themed) pine-scented air fresheners. I think it lends a…

Wait a minute, I think the possum’s getting into the 15 lb bag of corn chips, I’m not sure he knows where the guacamole is, better check it out…

The Doormat Christmas Lineup:

Cowpies at Crudinals: Not as big a comedy of errors as wherever Denver is playing, but wow this has to be a mess of a game. Cowpies playing better, but can still get 10 losses. Not against these guys they won’t. Two division winners from last year, sharing guacamole with a possum.

0-4-9ers at Lambs: Huge battle for the NFC Worst crown! Playoffs hang in the balance! All eyes on St. Louis and everybody’s got bait-breath!! Stay out of the worm bucket, OK? This is as close to having a NFL game scripted by Moliere or Voltaire or the Marx Brothers as we’re going to come. The tragi-comic potential is completely off the meter, here. Lambs should win this, but with those script writers, who knows.

Pats at Nils: It’s gonna be closer than people think. It could be 35-10. Or 28-7. Or somebody just call Mr. Plow and throw the whole thing into the…but wait! Could Ryan Fitzpatrick play the game of his life? Is it living when you play for the Nils? These guys had a chance at tying for the Doormat lead last week, and blew it. Pats roll.

Ravens at Brownies: Brownie-bake-sale again in Cleveland. Cold, frozen brownies. The guys with no logo (a brown square is my suggestion, with a few crumbs nearby) go for loss #10, and they will get it. Brownies start with bake sale, end up hamburger.

Kittens at Miami: Time to start a new streak- and that’s either going for 28 losses in a row on the road (taking them into the next century) or going for, I can’t believe I’m writing this…THREE WINS IN A ROW. As you know, 3-in-a-row is the big red flag of Doormat life coming to an end. The Raydurz did it this year, the Cheaps did it. But, the Kittens already have their 10 losses, so their Doormat cred is safe for another year. But this one is going to be tough to lose. Miami brings boredom and pathos to a game like nobody else in a warm climate can. Kittens win?

Texans at Donkey-Bunco-binky-bonks: The bumblingest team in the NFL hosts the Houston Texans. Everybody else at the doormat bottom won last week except for these guys. They are focused, fierce, flailing, flopping, fumbling. They’re going for the Moldy Carpet, people. They just may get it.

Chargers at Bungles: except the Bungles have to play the Chargers, and Denver has to lose twice to match this. Chargers playing extremely well. Let’s see if they can do that in Bunglonia, where everybody plays extremely poorly.

SeaHags at Tampa Bay: I don’t’ think the SeaHags can win a game on the road, right? Even with the division title there for the taking? SeaHags stay on course for NFC Worst All-Losing-Record accomplishment, boot this game, and win next week against Lambs to take the division.

The possum’s going outside… I hope he put away the guac.

The Doormat Division Weak XV Wrap UP, Disposal and Burn

The Doormat Division Weak XV Wrap Up, Disposal, and BURN

Ooohhh, my head. It’s Xmas party weekend and …oh wait, it’s Monday? If you’re expecting me to wax poetic about yesterday’s gridiron heroes, well, I got pretty waxed myself last night, so we’ll just see if…just a sec, I think the instant coffee from Friday is boiling kinda hard on the grill outside. It’s probably ready……

Ahhh! Now that’s what I call an eye-opener.

Here we are, arriving at the doorstep of the final, brutal, hard fought weeks of the NFL season, and everybody came out swinging- and the Doormat Division did not take the week off, either. How could it? It’s MONEY time.

Break up the Kittens

KITTENS 23, Buccaneers 20 (ot)

The Detroit Lions have done the unimaginable. They have won a road game. Just a week after ending the longest string of losses against divisional opponents, the Kittens close the book on another incredible achievement, the longest all time losing streak on the road in NFL history (a mark previously held by the…Detroit Lions). Winning their first game since Dec. 21^st, 1638, which is, of course, also the last time the winter solstice, a full moon, and a total lunar eclipse took place, the Kittens clawed their way to victory over a Tampa Bay team that had no idea they were going to be playing a real football team yesterday. “But you said Detroit was coming to town!” Break out some Cranberry-Mango-Frittata juice and celebrate! The Lions now are a complete longshot to win the NFC Moldy Carpet.

NFC WORST UPDATE

By now everybody can smell the moldy carpet on this division. Wow.

The official Basement prediction is whoever ‘wins’ the NFC West, and that will be decided in Seattle on January 2^nd, will make it all the way to the NFC Championship and come within, oh say, 43 points of being competitive in that contest.

Guaranteed best anybody can do is 8-8, and THAT isn’t going to happen.

I hereby proclaim that we will have our first 7-9 division winner in NFL history, but who that will be is completely up for grabs. The 0-4ers are the longshot, only one “L” away from the magic ten, but have the Lambs and the spectacular Arizona Crudinals for their last two games. I say 6-10 for the biggest bust in the NFC this year.

Lambs 13, Cheaps 27

8 punts, 2 INT, 14 first downs, 3 yard avg. per play. Just crawling up and down the field in this field goal party at Arrowhead. Lambs, if they ever win again, have to get one against either the 0-4ers or Seahags. I say 7-9 finish.

Seahags 18, Falcons 34

Falcons dunked the Hags in the Puget Sound all afternoon, leaving them beached in a tangle of seaweed and kelp, and with two games to go, the Hags have to face Tampa Bay on the road and the Lambs at home. Hags will lose to Tampa, and beat the Lambs at home on the final game of the year, finishing 7-9.

Who will win this division? Do we need divisional play tie-breaker to determine the champ? If so, then the Hags take it with…WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? The undisputed champeens of this Division are the Arizona Crudinals, good grief DUH.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Pansies 19, Crudinals 12

Carolina clears 300 yards of offense! That might be a first this year! Crudinals score only touchdown on fumble recovery in end zone. Otherwise, that stalwart Pansy defense held lost boys of the high desert in check all afternoon. Who’s your daddy? You know what? Nothing happened in this game. But, the Pansies, being completely inept, can’t even clinch the NFC Moldy Carpet trophy just yet! They can’t win for losing…or lose for winning…or..

THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET

Here come the Donkey-Buncs!!!!!

Donkey-Buncs 23, Raydurz 39

Despite being staked to two touchdowns by the Raydurz, the Buncos are in reverse and stepping on it so hard, it doesn’t matter. Nobody can lose to these guys. The Crudinals BLEW THESE GUYS OUT LAST WEEK. Think about it. With two games to go, Denver finds themselves TIED FOR FIRST in the Doormat AFC. That’s myyyyy team.

Bungles 19, Brownies 17

I knew it. The Brownies just can’t leave the Doormat Division behind. Staging this week’s perfect Futile Comeback, the Brownies push the ball over the goal line with 2:13 to go, leaving the Bungles with no choice but to run the clock out and win the game, thus plunging them into a tie with Denver, and keeping Buffalo just one game out of the lead.

This is going down to the last week.

Nils 17, Fins 14

Stiff #2 of the week. I’ve noticed the Dolphins get involved in an inordinate number stiff, or stiff-worthy games. Bills blow golden opportunity to pull into tie for AFC lead.

Nils keep themselves under 15 first downs, but only 1 turnover and got only sacked twice, so awfully hard to lose a game with those kind of stats.

OK: Final Games Ladies,

Denver: Texans, Chargers

Buffalo: Patriots, Jets

Bungles: Chargers, Ravens

Hmmm. Nils can’t beat either of those teams, unless the Patriots decide to rest the entire team, and the Jets are still in Brooklyn, partying their brains out right up until game-time, and Mark Sanchez gets busted propositioning a draq-queen hooker). Bungles will get pulverized by both the Bolts and the Edgar Allan Poes (though the Ravens ARE one of the Bungles wins),

And the Donkey-Buncs are in danger of winning a game against the Texans, though, honestly at this point I don’t know if they can win a game of Mouse Trap. And they’re going to need a Rube Goldberg device to have any chance at all.

The Bungles lost to the Nils, and Denver hasn’t played either of those teams, so it’s going to be INSANE these next two weeks watching to see which team can really keep the Doormat standards intact. It takes planning from the TOP DOWN to win the Moldy Carpet, so base your predictions on how the whole organization is prepping for these last two games. Remember, it’s the coaching that makes all the difference.

Sez here it comes down to a tie-breaker between the Bungles and the Dunco-Bonks.

It’s going to be a slug-fest of ducking, fumbling, bumbling, and just plain stumbling here in the Basement, and we’ll be right on top of the news.

THIS WEEK’S FUTILITY METER

Sorry, nobody can touch that Cheaps game last week, wow.

Points: 7 0-4-9ers yes!

First Downs 9 Donkey-Buncs

Yards 192 0-4-9ers yes again!!

Rush 27 Saints

Pass 126 Pansies

Turnovers 3 Deadskins, Eagles

Sacks 6 0-4-9ers Yes yes!!!

aaAAAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!

NFC West Keeps on Track as the class of the NFL Doormats

The entire NFC West lost today, making it a very real possibility that the division winner will end the season under .500. Though the run to to Superbowl may be exciting, this year could go in the history books as the year of the Doormats.

Who would have thought you could lose with the best of them and still win? The big question now is, who will win the NFC West? It is bound to be the most exciting finish in the NFL this year.

49ers Stage Clinic, Fail to Show Up for Game

0-4ers 7, Chargers 34

The NFC Worst is in good hands. Faced with the prospect of having an outside chance of finishing the season 8-8, and playing the only team that gave them last best chance for an L, the San Francisco 49ers threw everything they had into this game to secure the loss.

We have to get better at our predictions. 36-10 was just WAY off. How could we be so inaccurate?

1. Two minutes into the second quarter, the 49ers kick a field goal for 3 points. Hold on! Penalty Chargers. 0-4ers take penalty, score a touchdown, Bolts challenge and win, 0-4ers lose touchdown, get down to 4^th and goal, skip kicking a field goal because this is the team that CAN’T score from the 1. 0-4er end up with NO points.

2. Lone 0-4er pass rusher Justin Smith shoves official and is first player to post-game spread. Hit the showers Justin! Have a nice, long, hot tub. Doormat All-Star selection just for this one, glaring, moment. SF defense completely tanks after this.

3. Doormat All-Star offensive tackle Anthony Davis falls down, slips, misses, flails, and provides excellent lanes to the QB all night long. The rest of the 0-line follows suit. 6 sacks, and a bum’s rush on every play for Alex Smith.

4. Linebacker Ahmad Brooks drops two interceptions, one deep in Charger territory. He was the ONLY linebacker not wearing a cast, and it showed. Somebody tape him up!!

5. Coach Mike Single-minded, the man who has NEVER called his radio co-host on the Mike Singletary Show by name, did not consider changing quarterbacks because “It’s a different thing to go from Troy to Alex- it’s, I think, a HORRIFIC thing to go from Alex to Troy.” You know, Mike’s a player’s coach. Too bad the players are in Chicago in 1985.

6. 49er Ted Ginn runs back 2^nd half kick-off for touchdown! Just kidding. You can’t cover 85 yards with this team and not get at least ONE penalty. Take another 7 points off the scoreboard.

This is how you lose to teams with winning records, and it’s also how you lose to the Carolina Pansies. And they DID.

Doomat Specialist Matt Millen, along with Joe Theisman, was in the broadcast booth last night, and weighed in late in the game with his assessment- now is not the time to panic in SF. What the 0-4ers need is some consistency. Stay the course……HE SHOULD KNOW! This is the man the drove the Detroit Lions into the ditch so hard, they’re STILL trying to pull themselves out of the muck. Listen to the man, San Francisco. With any luck, next year you can contend for the Moldy Carpet.

Carpe Diem!!!

NFL Doormat Predictions Week 15

Crudinals and Pansies will be the game to watch (out for) this week.

NFL Week 15 starts tonight with a classic Doormat match up between the San Francisco 0-4-9ers and the San Diego Dolts. It's a battle for bragging rights in California. Though both teams are out of contention for the Moldy Carpet, this game still has tremendous Doormat significance as the Niners need a loss to stay well under .500 as the NFC West makes its bid for Doormat Immortality by finishing under .500. Imagine, division champ under .500 going to the playoffs!

As for the looming Doormat championship, the only teams really in contention now are the Pansies and Kittens (and possibly Crudinals) in the NFC and the Bungles, Nils, and Buncos (Donks) in the AFC. The Bungles have a chance to take a comanding lead into the final two weeks with a big loss against the refurbished Brownies. And don't forget to watch the worst game of the year as the Carolina Pansies take on the flaccid Arizona Crudinals. This should be anybody's game as just about anybody can beat these two teams. I heard the Washington State Cougars invited them to play in Pullman next year.

The Oracle From the Basement rummaged around and found an unopened quart of Bohemian beer,  circa 1972. I also found a Joe Namath bobble head, a little chipped and sticky, but it still works. Using these two charms (and after swilling down the Bohemian), we spin the bottle and the bobble head and here are the NFL Week 15 Doormat predictions:

0-4-9ers- 10
Dolts- 36

Brownies- 33
Bungles-28

Deadskins- 12
Cowpies- 17

Cheeps- 44
Lambs- 3
(blowout of the week)

Nils- 14
Floppers- 21

Kittens- 10
Bootineers- 28

Crudinals- 10
Pansies- 3
(Stiff of the Week)

Falcons- 42
Seahags- 0

Buncos (Donks) 18
Raydurz- 21
(Game of the Week!)

Bears- 7
Yikings-10
(Gonna be cold at University of Minnesota!)

Coldest NFL Football Games in History

OK, Doormat fans, none of the coldest games in history involved doormats because they are almost all playoff games. Late in the year, it's getting cold. Duh. The three games of the  top 17  coldest that were not playoff games were classic tilts between the Vikings and the Bears or Packers in icy Metropolitan stadium at Minnesota. All three games in were in early December, just before the playoffs.

But the coldest game ever was the NFL championship at Green Bay between the Cowboys and the Packers (1967)

But here are the 17 coldest games ever, with wind chill taken into consideration.

This info from: http://www.listafterlist.com/tabid/57/listid/10843/sports++recreation/nfls+coldest+football+games+ever.aspx

Dec. 31, 1967 - Lambeau Field - "The Ice Bowl" / NFL Championship Green Bay Packers vs. Dallas Cowboys - Temperature: -13 degrees / Wind chill: - 48 degrees

Jan. 10, 1982 - Riverfront Stadium - AFC Championship Game: Cincinnati Bengals vs. San Diego Charges - Temperature: -9 degrees / Wind chill: -59 degrees (I remember this game!)

Jan. 7, 1996 - Arrowhead Stadium - AFC playoff: Kansas City Chiefs vs. Indianapolis Colts - Temperature: -6 degrees

Jan. 4, 1981 - Cleveland Municipal Stadium - AFC playoff: Cleveland Browns vs. Oakland Raiders - Temperature: -5 degrees

Jan. 20, 2008 - Lambeau Field - NFC Championship Game Green Bay Packers vs New York Giants - Temperature: -4 degrees / Win chill: -24 degrees

Dec. 3, 1972 - Metropolitan Stadium - Minnesota Vikings vs. Chicago Bears - Temperature: -2 degrees / Wind chill: -26 degrees

Dec. 10, 1972 - Metropolitan Stadium - Minnesota Vikings vs.Green Bay Packers - Temperature: 0 degrees / Wind chill: -18 degrees

Dec. 26, 1993 - Lambeau Field - Green Bay Packers vs. Los Angeles Raiders - Temperature: 0 degrees

Jan. 15, 1994 - Ralph Wilson Stadium - AFC Playoff: Buffalo Bills vs. Los Angeles Raiders - Temperature: 0 degrees / Wind chill: -32 degrees

Dec. 22, 1990 - Lambeau Field - Green Bay Packers vs. Detroit Lions - Temperature: 2 degrees

Dec. 18, 1983 - Solider Field - Chicago Bears vs. Green Bay Packers - Temperature: 3 degrees / Wind chill: -15 degrees

Jan. 10, 2004 - Gillette Stadium - AFC Playoff: New England Patriots vs. Tennessee Titans - Temperature: 4 degrees / Wind chill: -10 degrees

Jan. 10, 1988 - Solider Field - NFC playoff Chicago Bears vs. Washington Redskins - Temperature: 4 degrees / Wind chill: -12 degrees

Dec. 5, 1970 - Metropolitan Stadium - Minnesota Vikings vs.Chicago Bears - Temperature: 9 degrees / Wind chill: -30 degrees

Dec. 19, 2004 - Solider Field - Chicago Bears vs. Houston Texans - Temperature: 12 degrees / Wind chill: -7 degrees

Dec. 30, 1962 - Yankee Stadium - NFL Championship: New York Giants vs. Green Bay Packers - Temperature: 13 degrees

Jan. 4, 1976 - Three Rivers Stadium - AFC Championship: Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Oakland Raiders - Temperature: 11 degrees

Mea Culpa

A nagging little signal in my brain finally registered. The Yikings did NOT beat the Kittens at the Cat Box two weeks ago- it was the Bears. My bad in the last post by me.

Yikings and Kittens will duke it out for NFC North Knuckleheads in Week XVII. What a finale that will be.

-e

Vikings Stomped in Cat Box by Raging Giants

Brett Farve sat on the sidelines for the first time since 1992 and the Minnesota Yikings, who traveled all the way to Detroit to avoid losing again at home, were stomped in the Kittens Cat Box 21-3 by a Giants team desperate to save its season. The Yikings managed only 162 total yards and the Giants pretty much smashed their faces in the ground and made them eat cat litter all night.

The collapse of the  Metrodome some say is a sign from Odin that the Vikings will never win a Superbowl until they start playing outdoors again. As the following photo clearly shows, it's better when the Vikings crush people on a frozen tundra called a football field. Wouldn't it be great to see teams like Dallas or Miami having to play in Minnesota in the playoffs in January?

Oh, Snap!

Oh, I get it now. The Lions got a call from the Fallen Inflato-dome Yikings and said...."suuuuuure you can play in The Cat Box. Be our GUEST." Even though the scent of victory was still hanging over the litter from Sunday, Lions officials were pretty sure the overall, uh, ambience of the season would carry the Yikes to the assumed outcome.

[There are so many things that the Yikings have done wrong this year, but, honestly, Brett Favre could've played if they'd just played outdoors. His WHOLE BODY would've been numb over at Gopher Stadium, so what's the deal with just a hand? Side note: I hope the U of Minnesota people have secret tunnels under the field...I mean, c'MON.]

And what an outcome! 21-3! No touchdowns, 10 first downs, 164 total yards (more than DOUBLE than yesterday's Cheaps, though -67!!!!), TEN punts! Ten punts is the upper stratosphere, guys. It's really hard to get that. What a stinker.

So HATS off to the Detroit Kittens for playing gracious host, and giving a true DOORMAT welcome to the new guys, the Minnesota Yikings.

DOORMAT CRITERIA

We have a Criteria Obsession around here, and the main one is:

You have to get 10 losses or you are not worthy.

with yesterday's humongous L, the Yikings (5-8) are eliminated from playoff contention, and can now concentrate on the more logical goal, 10 losses. 5 teams have already crossed the 10 threshold, and 11 more have a shot, including the entire NFC Worst (though maybe impossible for all of them, what with divisional play coming up).

OK, that's going to have to do for now. What a season!

Doormat Division Weak XIV Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division Weak XIV Wrap-up and Disposal

Only 14 more shopping days until the end of the season. What do you give a Doormat that has everything?

Well, duh!

THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET

NFC

Pansies 10, Falcons 31

The Pansies fumble on their first play from scrimmage! Touchdown, Falcons. The Pansies stage a Puntfest for the rest of the first half! 17-0. It was cold, wet, and half-empty for the Masochist’s Club meeting at Bank of America Interest Hike Stadium yesterday, and when you have that much teal exposed on a lousy day, it’s depressing.

The Pansies are in the driver’s seat, but the Kittens, even though they won yesterday (they did their best, but came up short), can still win it…but Carolina would have to win 2 games. Ha.

The usual: 1 touchdown, 5 sacks, at least 2 turnovers, under 100 yards passing, and infighting right down to the water boy. These guys are not just not on the same page, they can’t agree on the book.

With only 164 points on the season, you may ask, is that a record or something? NO!

The Atlanta Falcons clocked in one fine season with an 8-point average per game. Pansies not even close with a 12.6 point average. They have to get shut out for the last three games to get to 10.25, even.

AFC

Bungles 7, Steelers 23

AFC leader Cincinnati (2-12) continues phenomenal push to crown with 10^th straight loss. Carson Palmer keeps taking care of business, with three INTs, and the Bungles do get to count this as a Come-from-Ahead game, since they led 7-0.

Nils 13, Brownies 6

Nils host the biggest bumblefest of the year by the Brownies, who just like we thought cannot shake off the Doormat Aura just YET. On one possession alone, they fumbled THREE times!! Somehow they recovered every time. What else did the Brownies do?

Did not cross 50 yard line entire second half. Fumbled back the ball after recovering a fumble (true Doormat play). 2-10 on third down, when they got that far. 9 First downs.

The Nils, once 0-8, are now 3-10 and have to lose out the season and the Bungles have to win at least ONE game to have a shot at the Moldy Carpet. They Bungles get CLEVELAND next week in Bunglonia, so watch out!!

Buncos 13, Crudinals 43 (Blowout of the Week)

Let’s not forget the Denver Donkey-Buncos (3-10), who just put the pedal to metal yesterday, and still have a shot at the championship. Faced with playing the worst of the NFC Worst, the Buncos were not intimidated, starting prep early in the week by firing their coach (who also CALLED THE PLAYS), turning over the ball SIX times, going 3-15 on 3^rd down, with Kyle Orton taking this week’s honors for worst passer (27.1). These guys, the dark horse all season, just might be taking it to the house.

The Crudinals won the game by claiming Derek Anderson has a concussion and breaking out secret weapon Jay Feely, who scored 22 points (including a touchdown run), and suddenly find themselves nearly out of Moldy Carpet contention. But…..

NFC WORST UPDATE

The Dream is still alive! Everybody’s safely back under .500!! Never before have we gone this late in the season with an ALL-losing record Division. It can be done!!

0-4-9ers 40, Seahags 21

Definitely the ‘didn’t see that coming’ Game of the Weak. But we shoulda known- the SeaHags are terrible on the road. Matt Hasselbeck takes care of blowing the game on his own, throwing 4 INTs, and the 0-4ers score every time. The 0-4ers got only 10 first downs, but who needs them when you are ripping off 30-50 yards every other play the whole first half? 0-4ers still have a chance to actually WIN this division- NFC Worst, I mean, which is hilarious. It’s hard to win the Moldy Carpet when everybody in your division has similar goals.

Lambs 13, Saints 31

Look, Mom, it’s an anagram score! Lambs 6-7 and STILL in FIRST. Love it.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Lotta competition for this- Is it Bills-Browns? Lions-Packers? Or….Dolphins-Jets?

Lions-Packers: 1 TD, 1 fg. 28 first downs. 16 punts. 5 turnovers. Lions zero yards passing first half. Lions break 20 game losing streak to NFC north division opponents. They sure have a lot of streaks going on, don’t they? Also, I gotta say, WHY would you let the Yikings, who just beat you in the most embarrassing way, at home, come and play in your stadium? Well, it must be $, but you know what? I don't know, but the Vikings call me with their deflated dome whine, and I tell them I just can't cancel the flea market.

Dophins- Jets: 1 TD, 3 FG, Dolphins only 6 first downs..20 total. 5 turnovers, 18 punts. 30 yards passing total for Fins.

I’m giving it to the Dolphins-Jets. Jets are supposed to be good and they play a total stiff a week after getting their cans kicked. AT HOME. What are the good people of Queens supposed to think? “Same old Jets” , I imagine.

Special Mention: The Kansas City Cheaps turn in possibly the worst performance of the year by any team, especially one with playoff aspirations. See below.

THIS WEEK’S FUTILITY METER:

Points: 0 Cheaps

First downs 5 Cheaps

Total yds: 67 Cheaps (season low, easily)

Rushing 47 Bears (Cheaps 48)

Pass 19 Cheaps (1 yard per pass only, please)

Turnovers 98 Buncos

3^rd down 0-11 Cheaps

Punts: 10 Yikings (not enough turnovers, gotta work on that)

Penalties 10-71 Yikings

Time of poss: 19:50 Cheaps!

aaaAAAAAnd That’s the view from the Basement!!

NFL Week 14: Doormat Division Weak XIV Preview

Puntfest 2010

Here it is, getting late in the season, and suddenly the SeaHags @ 0-4-9ers game is looking HUGE. I refuse to say ginormous. I also won’t say prestidigitator, either, but that’s another story. This could be one of the Marquee Doormat games of the year. The NFC Worst don’t have much marbles to play with, but the ones they got are all on the table, mis-shaped and ugly as they may be. If Seattle wins, the NFC Worst has a team with a winning record, and the dream begins to fade. If the 0-4ers win, which I seriously doubt, they can keep their feeble feeble feeble playoff hopes alive, because they could still mathematically make 8-8, and 8-8 is going to do it in this division. And, I mean the NFC Worst, because 8-8 for SURE doesn't do it in the Doormat.

Marshawn Lynch has resurrected his career in the Seattle backfield after getting the Nils jinx rubbed all over him so bad it followed him home and escorted him to the local police precint station multiple times. It got so bad, the cops would just show up at his place first thing in the morning, set up a coffee stand, and just wait for him to attempt to move or park a car. In Seattle, you don’t need a car- you need a boat.

The Oafers (0-4ers) may not have nose tackle Aubrayo Franklin, which is critical even if nose tackling was made into a personal foul last year. Seattle may just drive a Boeing 747 through a couple of those holes.

Even more intriguing is fumbling 0-4er coach Mike Single-minded’s decision to put whipping boy Alex Smith back in at quarterback after it was discovered that Troy Smith didn’t actually know any of the plays and once opposing defenses kept him the pocket, nothing happened. And if you are going to have NOTHING HAPPEN, you might as well run Alex out, who is the better Smith at these things.

The Hags pummeled the 0-4ers, 31-6, in the first game of the season, and the bog that is Candlestick Park in December will suit them just fine. Will Singletary again thank coach Carroll for kicking his butt, again, or go all-in and do a Gatorade dump? It’s as close as he’s going to get for one of those, so pay close attention to final seconds, they will put the finishing, final, coffin-nail touch on San Francisco’s descent into…say, when’s spring training start?

Brownies at Nils

Well, here I was, ready to do proper props to the Brownie Way, when they go and win two in a row. You only have to either be just one game under .500 or win 3 in a row to have your Doormat status taken away, and these guys are in danger of doing BOTH.

And this game is the ultimate test. This is bragging rights for Mistake by the Lake (any Great Lake qualifies you)! The next two weeks, at Buffalo and then the dreaded trek across Bunglonia, will put the resurrection of the Brownie Bake Sale franchise to the true test. They’ve beaten the Pats, Saints, Jags, and Dolphins. So what? Can you beat the teams you’ve been living in the Cellar with for the last 10 years?? Come back…stay with us…

I didn’t select that ORANGE couch completely at random, you know. Brownies should just dismantle the Nils, but here in the basement, all bets are off when it’s Doormat time.

Green Bay at Detroit

Things are glum at the Kat Box. After the Kitties logged their 7th Come From Ahead loss, it took all week for the grounds crew to bring in enough kitty litter to cover last week’s steaming heap, and they should have just waited until this one was over. The Packers already have 200 yards in passing offense and kick-off isn’t until 1pm Central.

Atlanta at Pansies and Lambs at Saints

Blow-out of the week. U-pick.

Buncos at Arizona

Wow. STIFF of the Weak. Maybe the year. Puntfest. Things are so bad in Arizona, they put somebody else in at quarterback. Think how little confidence they must have in those bench-warmers when it took until the 13^th week of the season for the Cruds to try something else. Buncos just fired their coach, which is always a big red flag in losing culture. Buncos should have a field day…on the field.

aaaAAAAAND THAT’S THE PREVIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

NFL Week 14 picks and predictions from the Oracle from the Basement

Colts to flirt with Doormat greatness in a monumental 2010 swan dive.

It's NFL Week XIV, though many teams have not played 13 games so it's really week 13 for them. But hey, who's counting other than the NFL back office accountants?

The Oracle from the Basement found a can of Billy Beer next to a moth-eaten moose head in the back room of the cellar. It was next to an old avocado colored hand coffee grinder from 1973. I think it had red daisies painted on it. It was used, but the grounds weren't coffee. Not sure what they were grinding back here in 1973. Er, anyway, this week's predictions are based on rolling the can down the driveway over chalked squares for numbers.

And the predicted winners of the NFL Week XIV games:

Brownies- 16
Nils-13
(Brownies  score in last 2 minutes to ice the Nil's season)

Giants- 24
Yikings- 17 (Farve returns, 4 int.)

Bungles- 0
Steelers- 60 (Time for the playoff drive, sorry Bungles, it's blowout of the week time.)

Falcons- 54
Pansies- 3 (Pansies, see above. Sorry, last week was your last chance to win a game)

Raydurz- 28
Gaguars- 33
(This might actually be a really good game)

Lambs- 18
Saints- 31 (Saints get back on track)

Buncos/Donks- 14
Crudinals- 0
(Stiff of the week)

Cheeps- 28
Dolts- 24
(Again, this might be a great game)

Eagles- 38
Cowpies- 33 (Resurgent Dallas slams up against desperate Eagles. Vic pulls a winner here)

Seahags- 21
0-4-9ers-20
(game of the week!)

And what may be the swan dive of the year even though it's not a Doormat team:

Colts- 17 (and they go below .500. It's cold in the basement!)
Titanics- 28

By the way, in all seriousness, Bears/Patriots will be a big, big game.I predict four broken bones, five poked eyes, 15 jammed fingers, six sprained knees, one messed up ankle, and two bruised kidneys.

Doormat Division Weak XIII Wrap-Up and Disposal

The Doormat Division Weak XIII Wrap-up and Disposal

With just 4 games left in the run to the Moldy Carpet, the Basement’s expertise in predicting futile effort and expected results is uncanny. It just might PAY to look at things from the bottom up.

Well, of course it does. That’s why we’re here.

NFC WORST UPDATE

As expected, the Lambs and the Seahags pulled even at 6-6, and next week it’s up to the 0-4-9ers to stop the Seattle juggernaut, and the Saints to burst the Lamb’s balloon, like an undercooked Haggis left out in the sun (which I know is nearly impossible in Scotland, but humor me). With the way the 0-4ers are playing, that won’t be easy, and the Saints have a real knack for playing down to the opposition.

Take yesterday, for example, with their white-knuckle ride through Bunglonia yesterday, the most frightening quagmire since the Dead Marshes in Lord of the Rings.

BUNGLES 30, SAINTS 34

There was a lot of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory yesterday, and let’s start right here. For a team with 10 defeats (welcome to the ‘10’ Club, guys), the Bungles come tantalizing close to nearly winning. They have 5, count’ em, FIVE Futile Comebacks this year. 4 times they have come back from a deficit of 10 or more to score (and be within one score of tie or lead) with not enough time left to get the ball again and win the stupid game. Add to this their 4 Come From Ahead losses and you’ve got a LOT on anguish in the stands.

Trailing 20-6 in the third quarter, the Bungles wake up and stage a furious rally, taking the lead with 4 minutes to go, giving the fans something to expect disaster from and SURE ENOUGH, Drew Brees whips the Saints down the field (or maybe that’s flogs) and throws the game winner with :30 left on the clock. So, a wild wild game but the Bungles come away with the much needed L, and that’s crucial, because…

The RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET GOES THROUGH CAROLINA

PANSIES 14 SEAHAGS 31

Keeping pace with these guys is a CHORE. Good luck, I say. We’ve already got the Pansies wallpaper up, which shows incredible confidence here in the Basement, but I just don’t see these cats faltering.

With four games to go the Pansies have a mere 1 game lead over Detroit, Buffalo and Cincinnati. Surely the Nils or any of these teams have a chance, right? Not so fast. The remaining Pansy puntfests are the Falcons, Crudinals, Steelers, and Falcons again. They’ve got 11 losses and they haven’t even played the leader in their division yet!! The Arizona game is a serious threat to their running the table, as the Cruds are playing as badly badly badly as a team can play. This game is gonna be HUGE. Dec. 19^th- be there.

So let’s say the Pansies WIN a game (oh, come on). 2-14.

Bungles games left: Steelers, Brownies, Chargers, Ravens. Bungles already beat Pansies, so they LOSE tiebreaker. But they DID lose to the Nils. They can’t beat Ravens twice in one year. But Brownies game…red flag. Bungles can’t win another game or they’re toast. They need to run table and have Pansies win 2. Ha.

Kittens games left: Packers, Bucs, Dolphins, Yikings

Kittens lost to Nils. Should do Perfect Fade against Pack and Bucs, Miami is on the road (27 straight losses!) but in danger of winning against Yikings at home. Also cannot afford to win a game, must run table and hope tiebreaker brings the title home.

Nils games left: Brownies, Dolphins, Patriots, Jets. Nils have shown they can have high offense games, and atrocious abominations that make you pull your ear muffs down, close your eyes, and scream. Did you know that Edvard Munch grew up in Buffalo?

I think the Nils are going to get one more W, which is a shocker to say when the early predictions were expecting a potential perfect (0-16) season from these pros.

Which brings us to: Which of these teams is best at Futile Comebacks or Coming from Ahead?

The Detroit Kittens clock in with an a-MAZ-ing 7 Come from Ahead ‘L’s, including yesterday’s debacle against Chicago in the CatBox. It’s going to take a LOT of kitty litter to cover that one. These guys are the Kings of Fade. When the trainers talk about conditioning in Detroit, they’re changing the shampoo in the showers.

Here’s the spread:

Futile Comebacks Come From Ahead

Kittens 2 7

Bungles 4 4

Pansies 4 1

Nils 6 2

Clearly, the Pansies are the boringest, and probably truly the worst team in the league. They can’t even get ahead to blow a lead. Their only Come From Ahead game was just their re-enactment of what they’d do in the Super Bowl. You know how when the underdog in the Super Bowl scores first, but they only get a field goal, and it’s the kiss of death? They never score again until the game is 55-3 in the 4^th quarter? They got their chance in their game against the World Champeen Saints, and that’s as close as they are gonna get so they took it while they could. And their only win, 0-4-9ers, was an attempted Futile Comeback, but they were up against Mike Single-minded in that one and it didn’t work out.

Past that, the other three are neck and neck, though I think the art of Come from Ahead is more likely to consistently produce an ‘L.’

THEREFORE- I think it’s between the Kittens and the Pansies for the Moldy Carpet.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Stiff of the Weak

BUNCOS 6, CHEAPS 10

1 touchdown. 14 punts. 2 lost fumbles. 9-28 on 3^rd down. 3 points in the 2^nd half. Sknxxxnxnxnxnxnxn!

Brownies 13 Dolphins 10

Brownies win 2 in a row. Is it another late season run like I said wouldn’t happen?? Are they “The Pressure’s Off” team of the season?

LAMBS 19, CRUDINALS 6

The Crudinals are playing the worst ball in the league right now and that’s no mean feat in this league this year. 1-11 3^rd down conversion. Derek Anderson outdoes himself with a 29.8 passer rating. The desert just got a lot more desolate.

Kittens 20, Bears 24

As professional a Come From Ahead game as you can draw up. And at HOME.

YIKINGS 38, NILS 14

How was I to know that interception machine Brett Favre would twist his wrist and super mega-star bench guy Tavaris Jackson would come in and bring the lost Yikes safely to port? Just to keep pace, though, he tossed in 3 INTS. Brett got one on his only pass attempt, as well. What a guy. NILS counter with FOUR fumbles.

0-4-9ers 16, Packers 34

My prediction was 34-14. ‘nuff said.

Jaguars 17, Titanics 6

Titanics are all…the…way….back!

Week XII Gleaming Spires of Pulchritude

Points: 6 Cruds, Buncos, Titanics (crowded in here)

First downs: 11 0-4-9ers, Titanics

Yards: 220 Titanics

Rush: 40 Colts (no no no running game)

Pass: 86 Buncos

Turnover: 5 NILS

Punts 9 Brownies

3^rd down conv 1-11 Cruds

penalties 13-105 Raydurz (still the kings here)

poss: 22:02 Titanics

DOOMAT DIVISION WEAK XIII PREVIEW

Doormat Division Weak XIII Preview

Well, I got the Hello Kitty Carolina Pansies wallpaper up and I must say it really does something for the place. It looks ridiculous and covers up the black mold. I guess it clashes slightly with the green shag carpet, but…at least, I think it’s green. It could be red.

Anyway, it’s a festive football atmosphere here in the Basement, and let’s get to what’s on everybody’s mind:

WILL THE NFC WORST MAKE IT THROUGH THIS WEEKEND??

Will we still have a division leader with a losing record????

It’s gonna be tough. How tough? Both Seattle and St. Louis should be .500 by Sunday night. I shay SHOULD.

0-4-9ers at Green Bay. The O-4ers (Oafers) have successfully worn out Frank Gore, and now Brian Westbrook brings his 1-concussion-left cranium to Lambeau field. Can the Niners resist handing him the ball 27 times? NO. Packers decide they are a great team in the middle of the game. 0-4ers don’t argue.

Packers 34, 0-4ers 13

Lambs at Crudinals

Yes, the Lambs, our reigning Doormat 2009 Champs, are leading a division with a losing record. Clearly, greatness does not go unrewarded. But, to lose this one, the Lambs will have to continue the dive-bomb they pulled in the 2^nd half of last week’s game- for the whole game. The Cruds limp into Sunday with a 6 game skid (NFL best), a frustrated quarterback they can’t bench (rookie Max Hall…how bad could he be?), and no answers. The good news in Arizona? Becca is the Cheerleader of the Week.

Lambs 21 Cruds 10

Pansies at Seahags

Another major challenge for the Hags. The Pansies, the cream of the Doormat 2010 season, bring into Seattle a precision-loss team that has had only one blemish all season (of course at the hands of an NFC Worst team, the 0-4-9ers), and shows no sign of slipping up. Hags will have to have a turnover fest, with at least 3 of them inside their own 15 and 1 returned for a TD, to have any chance of losing this game.

Hags 14 Pansies 9

So, we will have to hope for miracles (which happen all the time in the Basement), or just wait for next week, when the Lambs get the Saints and the Hags visit the 0-4ers.

It could STILL HAPPEN, keep the hope alive.

AROUND THE LEAGUE:

Bears at Kittens

The Detroit Kittens are going with Drew Stanton at QB just in time to get sacked 9 times by the Chicago Bears, who have become kinda scary. It’s gonna be a long day at the Cat Box. Stanton has played some this year, and showed excellent Doormat skills with 3 fumbles and an INT against the Giants. Kittens can’t win on the road…byt they can’t win at home either.

Nils at Yikings

The Yikes had their emotional recovery game last week, and that’s gonna be it.

Nils win. Did I really say that?

Brownies at Dolphins

I don’t say much about the Brownies, not like last year, but these guys are still the class of the league. I promise a closer in-depth look at this amazing franchise soon.

Brownies lose easily.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Saints at Bungles

It’s dangerous going into Bunglonia and not coming out with a bunch of fumbles and missed assignments stuck to you, but the Saints will somehow survive this tarpit. Avert your eyes.

Buncos at Cheaps! Raydurz at Chargers!

Another couple of old AFL matchups, and you really can’t say for sure what’s going to happen, but it’s not going to be good for the Bunks or the Raydurz, unless some gris-gris, ju-ju, lucky charms are being waved in that Gorilla mask at Raydur nation headquarters and the Bronco statue on the way to Denver airport.

Good luck teams! Uh, oh, the wallpaper is peeling already. Maybe that old UHU glue stick was a bit on the dry side after all.